Bacon and Legs – Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter
Fontina: I have this column that I write every couple of weeks for this pop culture website. I usually make a recipe and talk about something new that’s coming out. Later this month, season two of Rick and Morty is going to be coming out and I’m really psyched about it. I made this great recipe for it, now I just have to write about it. The problem is, I’m having a hard time figuring out what to say. The show is so great, I don’t just want to write some generic bullshit and throw it up on the Internet. What am I going to do.
Ooooh. Fuck, that was obvious.
Fontina rustles around and pulls a weird box out of her ginormous purse. She presses the big round button.
Mr. Meeseeks: I’m Mr. Meeseeks, oooh hey there, look at meee!
Fontina: Hey, I need to write a column about the animated series Rick and Morty but I have writer’s block.
Mr. Meeseeks: Oooh, can do!
Fontina: Perfect. I want it to talk about how it’s a great cartoon and fun to watch, but how it goes deeper than that and is actually one of the better written sci-fi shows on the air right now. Can you do that?
Mr. Meeseeks: Yes ma’am! But I’ve never seen the show, Fontinaaaa.
Fontina: Um. Seriously? You know, that’s where you’re from … right? Ugh. Here, we can watch it on Adult Swim’s website right now.
Fontina puts on the episode “Meeseeks and Destroy” for her Meeseeks to watch. He sits, terrified and captivated. His lower lip starts to quiver.
Mr. Meeseeks: Ooooh okay! Yeah, I know what to do!!
Mr. Meeseeks takes the box and presses the button.
Mr. Meeseeks 2, son of Mr. Meeseeks 1: Ohh I’m Mr. Meeseeks, look at me. What do we got here, Mr. Meeseeks?
Mr. Meeseeks 1: Fontina here is trying to write a column about this show Rick and Morty, I’m going to sit here and watch … ooooh, look at meee, for research, why don’t you help her write?
Mr. Meeseeks 2, son of Mr. Meeseeks 1: Ooh, okay! We need an outline, Fontinaaa!
Fontina and Mr. Meeseeks 2 begin drawing out an outline to the column.
Fontina: Right, I guess that’s good, but I want to include more quotes … and I want to say something about Roiland and Harmon.
Mr. Meeseeks 2, son of Mr. Meeseeks 1: Yooouu got it!!
Mr. Meeseeks 2 presses the button two more times.
Mr. Meeseeks 2, son of Mr. Meeseeks 1: Mr. Meeseeks, go research quotes, ooooh, from Rick and Morty. Other Mr. Meeseeks, go Google “Roiland and Harmon”…. oooh, yes.
Mr. Meeseeks 3 & 4, sons of Mr. Meeseeks 2: Can dooo!
Mr. Meeseeks 2, son of Mr. Meeseeks 1: Alright Fontina, that part is under control, I’m Mr. Meeseeks, look at meee!
Fontina: Thanks, Mr. Meeseeks. You guys are great. Oooh, where’d that one go?
Mr. Meeseeks 2 and Fontina walk over to the computer where Mr. Meeseeks 4 had been sitting and was now gone. On the screen, he had Googled “Roiland and Harmon” and then disappeared.
Fontina: Damnit, Mr. Meeseeks, his purpose wasn’t detailed enough!
Mr. Meeseeks 2, son of Mr. Meeseeks 1: Oooh, I’m sorry FONTINAAA!
Mr. Meeseeks 1: Oooh, I got this, giiirl!
Mr. Meeseeks 1 take the box from Mr. Meeseeks 2 and presses the button again.
Mr. Meeseeks 5, son of Mr. Meeseeks 1: I’m Mr. Meeseeks, look at meee!
Mr. Meeseeks 1: Hi Mr. Meeseeks, I’m Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! I need you to sit at the computer and write down interesting facts that you find about Justin Roiland and Dan Harmon. Let Fontina know when you’re dooooone.
Mr. Meeseeks 5, son of Mr. Meeseeks 1: Oooh, you goottt it!!
Mr. Meeseeks 1 goes back to watching Rick and Morty.
Mr. Meeseeks 3, son of Mr. Meeseeks 2: “Where are my testicles, Summer, oooh, look at meee!”
Mr. Meeseeks 5, son of Mr. Meeseeks 1: Ooh, looks like Justin Roiland voices meeee! I’m Mr. Meeseeks, listen to meeee!!
Fontina: That’s … that’s not actually helpful, Mr. Meeseeks, everyone already knows that.
Mr. Meeseeks 5, son of Mr. Meeseeks 1: But does everyone know that he wishes “people would take themselves less seriously, in general”? I’m Mr. Meeseeks!!
Fontina: I actually think they could probably guess that about him, but it’s good to know, Mr. Meeseeks.
Mr. Meeseeks 5, son of Mr. Meeseeks 1: Oooh, alriiight!!
Mr. Meeseeks 3, son of Mr. Meeseeks 2: “I’m Mr. Boobie-Buyer, look at meeee!”
Mr. Meeseeks 1 starts sniffling while watching “Close Encounters of the Rick Kind” when he sees Jerry bonding with Rick J19Z7.
Fontina: Okay, Mr. Meeseeks, this is distracting and not helpful anymore. Can we just start writing?
Fontina sits down with Mr. Meeseeks 2 to write the column based off of their outline. Occasionally the other Meeseeks would yell out something about their individual tasks. It was all going well until Mr. Meeseeks 5 started freaking out.
Mr. Meeseeks 5, son of Mr. Meeseeks 2: I can’t do this maaaan! I can’t keep reading about the guy who voices me!! It’s gettin’ weird!
Fontina: Mr. Meeseeks, we better finish this column before Mr. Meeseeks has an existential crisis over there.
Mr. Meeseeks 5 has opened up a bunch of images of Roiland as is now curled up in a ball, gently rocking back and forth.
Mr. Meeseeks 3 son of Mr. Meeseeks 2: “I’m Mr. Meeseeks, puffy vagina, look at meeee!”
Fontina (reading aloud): “So I encourage you all to have respect for the show you love and wait until July 26th to watch the new episodes when they premiere. Get together, have a costume party and make some delicious Rick and Morty themed foods. Below is the recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter, that you can serve canapé-style and you can also whip up a batch of my Rick Potion #9.” … and send.
The Meeseeks all poof out of existence. Fontina goes to fetch the Fleeseeks box.
Toss all of the ingredients in a 9x13 baking dish. Bake for 30 minutes, stirring once about half-way through. Remove from oven and let cool.
Dump all of the ingredients into a food processor and blend.
Serve atop tiny toasts and garnish with with poppyseeds and black sea salt.
Serve with Rick Potion #9.
Fontina Turner, a food blogger and graphic designer from Philadelphia, makes classy-as-fuck comfort food and consumes an unhealthy amount of cheeses and craft beers. She can be found in the kitchen, at the bar, on Twitter or trying to make H. Jon Benjamin love her. Contact her at email@example.com.