[This column originally ran on HoboTrashcan on October 26, 2009.]
This time last year, I was extolling the virtues of the fine art of the slutty Halloween costume. Or, you know, the uber judgmental opposite of that. My feelings this year are no different. I still feel quite strongly that dressing up as a big dumb whore generally makes you boring and uncreative, and that’s okay. That’s your journey, and I salute you on your path.
This year, I wanted to do something different. I’ve changed in the past year. No longer will I sit idly by and criticize you for being a useless skank. No, I’m kind and gentle now, in case you haven’t noticed, tramp. So I’m here to help.
I think it’s important to at least give the illusion of creativity and borderline interesting-ness. Much like how family sitcoms of days gone by often featured the classic trope of a female teenager being encouraged by peers to feign stupidity in order to snare a man (always corrected in the end with a sad music sting, a hug and a renewed sense of self and live studio audience ovation), I encourage the stupid to feign mattering in order to be less awful. Because, again, I’m a kind and gentle soul.
Look, I’m not being unnecessarily cruel here. There are some people in this world who are just boring. Sometimes these people are physically attractive, and the combination of being gifted aesthetically and mentally limited essentially turns them into mindless flesh sacks. And again, that’s okay. Those hot wings aren’t going to slap on orange short-shorts and serve themselves. But for those who do have some cognitive ability and still want to only receive notice for their jiggly parts, I want to make your life easier. ‘Tis the season, after all.
Ten costumes that show some leg without showing your IQ
1. Slutty Sonia Sotomayor
It’s important to show that you have a firm grasp on the year’s current events, giving you a topical costume. And if you can make said topical costume hotter than than the Bronx in August, then even better. Throw on a black robe with little to nothing under it, have a friend dress as Newt Gingrich (better yet, Slutty Newt Gingrich) and call you racist all night. Then talk more than anyone else present, being particularly knowledgeable on first amendment rights in relation to campaign finance. The boys will come a-runnin’.
2. Slutty Nazi
Dress as Kate Winslet in Revolutionary Road because you got it confused with The Reader. Accost teen boys all night. Acquire German accent. Add illiteracy and serve cold.
3. Slutty Gaza Strip
Adorn yourself in Israeli and Palestinian flags. As the night goes on, strip. Check and mate, and I do mean “mate” as a verb, what up.
4. Slutty Goose
This costume involves feathers in strategic places and a male escort dressed as Chesley Sullenberger with a crepe paper jet engine on his crotch.
5. Slutty 2009 NATO
One boob is Albania, the other is Croatia.
6. Slutty Swine Flu
Put on pig ears, then run up and lick people. When you’re finished licking, explain that you’re a statement on the ignorance of some less intelligent Americans. If you haven’t offended them, congrats, they might totally buy you a Jagerbomb.
7. Slutty Bea Arthur
Her sad death was overshadowed by the eleventy bajillion that followed, so put on your best pair of clip-on earrings and a very short muumuu and blow some minds. Thank you for being a slutty friend.
8. Slutty Chicago Olympic Bid
Requires: your finest Harry Carey glasses, a hot dog with no ketchup, the consumption of nothing but Old Style and a gold medal. You will also wear a dress made of soda can plastic rings painted to look like Olympic rings. Your friend will be dressed as Rio and will kick your ass all night.
9. Slutty Nobel Peace Prize
You’ll of course need a friend to go as Obama, preferably a black friend unless you enjoy seeing your friends get the shit kicked out of them. Make out all night. That’s all.
10. Slutty I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell Film Adaption
Make sure no one sees you.
See? It’s not so hard to come up with these things. And this way, attempting to have one of those pesky personalities finally won’t interfere with your push-up bra and garter purchases. Happy skankoween. May your costume possibilities be as open as your … nah, too easy.
Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at email@example.com.