Bacon and Legs – Little Wampa’s Hoth and Ready Pizza (Star Wars-themed recipe)
It’s not easy, opening up a pizzeria with only one arm. Have you ever tried to toss dough? It’s hard enough to do with two arms … then you factor in keeping the fur out of everything …
Little Wampa, an ironic nickname given to him by his friends, didn’t let this stop him from achieving his dream. From as far back as he could remember, all he ever wanted to do was feed people. This wasn’t evident unless you really knew Lil’ Wamp though. See, at first sight he just seems like a blood-hungry monster who hunts living creatures. But there’s something you haven’t considered.
If Little Wampa opens up a restaurant … who is going to eat there? His home planet of Hoth is pretty damn desolate. So what does he do? Whenever he sees someone, he tries to bring them back to his cave to try out his recipes. He doesn’t hunt them, he’s just gushing with hospitality. Not to mention, he wants to do some market research and build up some PR buzz so when he opens up his restaurant, Little Wampa’s, people will be bundling up and flocking to Hoth.
One fateful day, he sees this human and a tauntaun out and about. He tries to talk to them but the tauntaun freaking flips out on him, tossing the human that’s riding him. He takes them back to his cave to keep them safe until they wake up …
Despite Wamp’s best efforts, the tauntaun dies there. While the human is knocked out, Wamp starts making a sauce. Since food is scarce and a tauntaun in your cave is just like having a pig there, he decides it would be foolish not to start working on some Tauntaun Gravy. He’s trying some of it to see if it needs more salt when …
All of a sudden, the human wake up, summons his weapon (which Wamp was keeping near him and completely safe for when he awoke) and completely loses his mind. Wamp tries to stop him to calm him down, not realizing that the human doesn’t speak Wampa. (Seriously, who comes to Hoth without at least an English-Wampese dictionary?) He runs by him, cutting Lil Wamps arm off.
Devastated, Lil Wamp slowly recovers … physically. He learns how to continue cooking with one arm. He gets some loyal customers and opens up his own restaurant. But he is too damaged by what happened in the cave that day. To think, he would savagely harm someone like that was too much for his psyche. Poor Lil’ Wamp becomes a vegetarian. It really shaped his restaurant and his position in the culinary world. He turns his trauma into delicious creations. His loss is our gain.
Next time you are in the Hoth system, stop by the planet and pick up some of Little Wampa’s pizza. He takes into consideration that no one wants to stick around, so it’s available for pick up at all hours. He even released the recipe for his famous veggie pie in case you can’t make it by his cave. He’s just that kind.
Bake pizza dough into two crusts, according to directions.
In a mixing bowl, blend together mayo, cream cheese and ranch mix. Spread half on each crust. Top with shredded cheese, followed by vegetables.
Serve to all of your cave prisoners … er … guests.
Fontina Turner, a food blogger and graphic designer from Philadelphia, makes classy-as-fuck comfort food and consumes an unhealthy amount of cheeses and craft beers. She can be found in the kitchen, at the bar, on Twitter or trying to make H. Jon Benjamin love her. Contact her at email@example.com.