Jo Jo Lyons
Dear Loyal Readers of HoboTrashcan.com,
I wanted to take this week to address you all directly and introduce myself. I am Jo Jo Lyons!
Okay, that’s not actually my name. (Cringe face emoji) However, in the pursuit of full disclosure and true honesty in my column, I opted for one teeny-tiny lie in order to preserve my carefully-crafted professional persona. It’s hard for me to keep secrets, so I had to put it out there. If you can get past that teeny-tiny lie (I mean what’s in a name really?), I promise you the most in-depth look into the mind of a 30-year-old woman you could ever want. We’ll talk love, life, friendships, discovering yourself, discovering you don’t know shit and discovering that the minute you think you do know something that again, you really don’t know shit. You see I have an extroverted personality and as extroverts do, I figure things out as I talk, or in this case, write. So fair warning, many times what I write or say one day has already evolved and changed into a new belief by the next day, but I call like I see it … that day.
Side note on personality types: Everyone should take the Myers Briggs personality test and find out what their personality type is. I also recommend then looking up the personality of your ideal love matches. Doing this made me realize my perfect personality matches are all introverts. That discovery led me to the realization that because I always thought my impatience in relationships was an endearing quality (It’s not, it never is, don’t be dumb like me and ever think that), I have been scaring away the people I am most likely to be into, my entire life!! I stumbled upon that life nugget just last month and I feel so much better now that I know why I’m 30 and still single. Patience my friends, who knew?!? Most of the adult world apparently, but whatever.
A little bit more about me and my life at this moment:
- I have a professional 8-5 job that’s nothing spectacular but it pays the bills.
- I do standup comedy and improv on occasion.
- I’m a big believer in horoscopes, I’m an Aquarius through and through.
- Next month I’ll be moving back home with dad in order to save money to buy a house.
- I recently started working out and so far I’ve lost 18 lbs of boob weight. #RIPmyDoubleDs
- I have spent the last four years dating here and there and learning a shit ton about myself.
- Most of my dating stories are past tense as I have declared this the year of me.
- Which, don’t worry, won’t detract from the wonderful stories I have in store for you from my dating life lessons past.
- I was actually in a long-term relationship for most of last year.
- I still love him … and yes that is why this is the year of me. #loveyourselfgirl
- I live in one of the best underrated cities.
- I can’t cook.
- I drive a lemon.
- I bite my fingernails.
- I’m tall … like everybody has to say something to me about my height kind of tall.
- I play volleyball … because I’m tall.
- I come from a broken home (shocker).
- Both my parents are remarried and I have a myriad of step brothers on both sides now.
- I am in therapy, as every responsible adult/child of a broken home should be.
- Until recently, like yesterday recently, I was a total stoner, even though most people would never have realized it.
- As of yesterday I decided to cut back after learning at yoga about how marijuana deadens your pituitary gland, and then also learning that the pituitary gland has something to do with your metabolism rate.
- Healthy living guys, I’m really trying to give it a go.
- I’m trying to get good at yoga, but I really don’t think it was made for tall people.
- I have been working on getting better at meditating for about a year now.
- As of yesterday, I found out that meditating is a lot harder when you aren’t stoned.
- As of just now, I decided to give this weed sobriety a 30 day window and if I haven’t seen dramatic bodily changes after that point, and/or learned to meditate sober, I’m declaring weed to be okay for me.
- I don’t drink beer … at all.
- I can, however, drink an entire bottle of vodka and claim to feel just fine. #Titos
- Despite the above, I am working on limiting myself to two drinks when I drink now because I have finally gotten to a place in life where blackouts and drunken rampages are no longer cool. Go adulthood, whoo!
That is pretty much me in a nutshell. I am oh so grateful that your fearless leader, Mr. Joel, has asked me to write for this prestigious site, and I can only hope that you find my weekly life lessons/ramblings to be an honest, insightful and above all, hilarious addition to your week. Thank you all for reading!
Jo Jo Lyons*
*Still not my real name
Jo Jo is a 30 yr old professional who hails from a bigish city out yonder. She is single and always ready to mingle. At this point in her life, she thought she would have figured out the conundrum that is adult dating, but each week she finds herself on a new romantic entanglement that proves there is still so much to be learned about love, life and everything else in between.