Murphy’s Law – Pokemon Go-bama

Joel Murphy

Joel Murphy

With the success of Pokemon Go, there are rumors a live action Pokemon film may be in the works.

Since I just moved out to Southern California, I figured I’d go ahead and start working on a spec outline before some other hack writer beats me to the punch …

Area 51. Southern Nevada.

Air Force One touches down on the runway. President Barack Obama and a small team, including his chief military adviser, General Joseph Dunford, exit the plane and head toward the entrance of a large compound.

A soldier is there waiting for them. He salutes Obama.

“Mr. President, welcome to Area 51,” says the soldier. “Please follow me.”

They get into an elevator and descend deep into the compound.

The soldier continues, “We’re about 24 floors beneath the surface. And here’s our main research facility.”

In front of the team is a set of glass doors. Behind it is a white room with researchers scuttling around with a purpose. There are about 30 of them, dressed head to toe in white hazmat suits and masks. They seem completely unaware of the President and his team as they approach the doors.

“My god,” Obama says, “Why the hell wasn’t I told about this place?”

“Two words, Mr. President: plausible deniability,” answers General Dunford.

Just then, a man with long gray hair and an unkempt gray beard approaches the group. He reaches out to shake Obama’s hand. Obama, somewhat reluctantly, shakes it.

“Mr. President, this is Professor Oak. He’s been heading up the research on this project for the past 20 years.”

“Mr. President, wow … this … what a pleasure,” says Oak, fidgeting and talking rapidly. “As you can imagine, they don’t let us out much.”

“I can understand that,” Obama responds.

“Well, I guess you’d like to see the big tamale, huh? Follow me,” says Oak.

The team heads deeper into the compound. Oak swipes his ID card to open one set of doors that leads them down another long hallway. At the end of that hallway is a set of blast doors. Oak swipes his card once again and the blast doors slowly open.

They enter the room. The blast doors shut behind them.

“This is the vault,” says Oak. “or, as some of us have come to call it, the freak show.” He chuckles to himself.

Obama is confused. In front of them is a glass enclosure – a small cell, really – but it’s empty. Completely empty.

“I don’t understand,” says Obama. “You dragged me all the way out here to show me an empty cell?”

“No sir, it’s not empty,” responds Oak. “Here. Let me see your cell phone.”

Obama reluctantly hands it over. He watches as Oak heads to the App Store.

“Okay, hold on,” says Oak while fiddling with the phone, “logging on … damn, server error. Let me try again. Maybe. Maybe … okay, there we go. Now let me just set a few things up … okay, avatar all set. Selecting Team Mystic. And here we go …”

Oak hands the phone back to the President. “Now, hold it up to the cell.”

Obama does. While the cell appears to be empty to the naked eye, on the phone’s screen he can see a small, pink creature staring back at him. It has a large head, bulbous blue eyes, two pointy ears, stubby arms, big rabbit-like feet and a long, winding tail.

“It’s a Mew, one of the rarest Pokemon,” says Oak. “It can travel freely over air or water. It’s an intelligent little creature. And playful. And it contains the DNA of every living Pokemon, giving it immense power.”

“So, what are you telling me? These things are everywhere, but can only be tracked down using this special app?”

“Mews? Oh no, you won’t find them anywhere, sir. But other Pokemon, yes. They are all over the globe, hiding in churches, gyms, landmarks. They’re everywhere, sir. And they are immensely powerful.”

“My god … what are we to do?” Obama exclaims.

“It’s simple, sir. If we want to save the planet,” says Oak, “we’ve got to catch them all.”

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Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. Follow Joel on Twitter @FreeMisterClark or email him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

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