A Cinecle View – All I Want For Christmas is …

Tony Marion

Tony Marion

… a quick and decisive death to the phrase “Election Hacking,” so that I can get back to my Christmas time, Hanukkah, almost Kwanzaa movie marathon that I’ve been planning.

CNN, I’m looking at you.

I’ve stated it before, but I’ll throw it out there again just so we’re on the same page: I DIDN’T ASK FOR NOR DO I WANT “PRESIDENT” TRUMP.

But can we, and by “we” I mean USA Today, Mother Jones, The Guardian and everyone else still whining about the election results, please stop using this highly-inflammatory and wholly-inaccurate term before all of us arm chair rebels find out what a real revolution actually looks like?

Hint: It’s going to go extraordinarily badly for most of us. I can already think of five guys from high school with anarchy symbols drawn on their Chucks that would be roasting on a spit in Terminus within 24 hours if the shit actually hit the fan.

No one “hacked” our election; not a single voting machine was hijacked via the interwebs. And implying otherwise is a whole new level irresponsible. Especially when the people whose votes your threatening to invalidate know how to field dress their own food.

Even if by “hacking” you really mean “exposed a bunch of rich, superior, assholes for the hypocrites that they are,” there’s absolutely no proof that the outing of decidedly non-PC behavior by members of the Democratic National Committee’s upper echelon swayed the minds of anyone on the fence between Trump and Clinton.

ALLEGEDLY (I only typed that because I almost got Joel sued once this year; if it were up to me I would have lead with the word “probably”), agents of third parties in collusion with the Russian government hacked the DNC email server and revealed a metric shit-ton of their dirty laundry.

Racism, sexist and anti-Semitic language and the DNC actively favoring Hillary Clinton over Bernie Sanders were exposed for public consumption. And ALL of it was true; ask the four people that found themselves out of jobs afterward.

[Editor’s Note – In the spirit of Tony not wanting to get HoboTrashcan sued, it is important to point out that it’s impossible to verify that “ALL of it was true.” According to the Pulitzer-Prize-winning fact checking site Politifact: “While most of the emails are probably unaltered, [experts] said there is a chance that at least a few have been tampered with in some way.”]

Now, many are claiming that this embarrassing info dump was a Russian cyber warfare campaign personally designed by Russian President Vladimir Putin to sway voters toward Trump, “stealing” the election from Clinton as payback for personal and professional slights. Wow, I hope it’s really that exciting; if I have to postpone my holiday movie marathon much longer at least there’ll be some international intrigue to tide me over.

But extensive polling by every “news” organization in existence has found no evidence that the hack swayed even one person. In fact, most Trump voters have sighted the lack of good paying factory jobs and Trump’s pledge to bring them back as the reason for their vote.

But let’s assume for a minute that anonymous Russian operatives releasing the contents of private DNC communications in violation of the law is responsible for Hillary’s near history-making fumble at the goal line … what’s all the hubbub, bub?

(Cue Wayne and Garth flashback sound effects.)

Where was all of this concern for the sanctity of private, potentially election skewing communications in May of 2012 when, in violation of Florida law, Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney was recorded on video and audio without his consent, speaking in what history remembers as a campaign destroying manner to supporters at a private fundraiser in Boca Raton?

Before we go any further, let me throw this out there, too: I DIDN’T WANT “PRESIDENT” MITTENS ROMNEY, AND HE GOT WHAT HE DESERVED.

Being so arrogant and out of touch that you don’t realize that in the age of the smartphone you need to wait for all of the bussers, servers, and kitchen help to leave the event before you launch into your one man show, “THE MOOCHERS CAN JUST SUCK IT”, disqualifies you from being president.

But you can’t have it both ways.

The identity of the person that shot and released the audio and video that torpedoed Romney’s run remains unknown to this day, except to Mother Jones writer David Corn and Democratic researcher and grandson of history’s most famous peanut farmer, James Carter, presumably because:

  1. He or she broke the fucking the law!
  2. He or she is content to ruin a career by exposing the truth of ugly, “private” moments as long as his or her cowardly ass doesn’t have to expose him or herself.

Just like the anonymous Russian hackers that exposed the DNC.

So, why aren’t these Russian agents being lauded as American heroes in the press like the spy that brought Romney’s presidential aspirations to end?

I said it before, and I’ll say it again: It’s exhausting being right all of the time.

Now, can we pretty please stop talking about the election? It’s Christmas time, Hanukkah and almost Kwanzaa; and I’m starting my Shane Black movie marathon right …



Tony Marion is a writer and filmmaker who splits time between Lancaster, PA and Baltimore, MD. He lives for the work of Descendents (the band), Chuck Palahniuk and Rian Johnson. Check out the digital embodiment of procrastination he calls his website here.

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