A Cinecle View – Ancient enemies unite against … Emma Watson’s boobs?

Tony Marion

Tony Marion

Recently, fashion model, UN Goodwill ambassador, vocal feminist and actress best known for her portrayal of Hermione Granger in the (what was it, like fifteen or sixteen?) Harry Potter films, Emma Watson, cast a spell upon the Earth that united intractable minds of every stripe …

“BREASTIGES CHAOTICUS!”

… against her boobs.

Did President Trump not demean or insult anyone this week? Have Clinton supporters gotten bored with their loss-tantrums? ARE HERMIONE’S FUNBAGS REALLY THIS IMPORTANT?

No, seriously, even Watson herself is wondering …

“I really don’t know what my tits have to do with it …” – Emma Watson.

The uproar began when Watson posed for a Vanity Fair photo shoot and the magazine chose to publish this image …

EMMA VAN FAIR

… and because of her vocal support of/tireless work for women’s rights, certain seemingly diametrically-opposed sections of the internet all lost their shit in unison.

“Feminism, feminism … gender wage gap … why oh why am I not taken seriously … feminism … oh, and here are my tits!” tweeted conservative British radio presenter and commentator, Julia Hartley-Brewer.

“Emma Watson said Beyonces feminism is for the male gaze and now I’m seeing her titties in a magazine. I love how consistent white women are.” added Richey Collazo on his “not-at-all-racist” Twitter account.

“Feminist: Page 3 girls? Topless? Ban them! Emma Watson topless? Brave and Stunning! #doublethink #hypocrisy” chimed in self identifying “Egalitarian antifeminist gamer and science fiction fan,” Brett Caton. (Yes, that sketch artist interpretation that you have in your mind right now is dead on.)

If she could bring together the British Ann Coulter, Hooper X and a guy who could have easily been plucked right out of central casting for the role of “prime suspect in a Gamergate-related hate crime” using only the power of under-boob, I say fuck “Goodwill Ambassador,” send Antonio Guterres back to Portugal, make Watson the UN Secretary-General and let’s get Palestine and Israel a full-on reveal of the twins in all their glory and END decades of hostilities!

When I first saw the headline from the BBC, “Is Emma Watson anti-feminist for exposing her breasts?” my first thought was: Does the BBC really not know what feminism is?

Actually, that was my second thought. My first thought was: I wish I was faster at typing the words “Emma Watson Topless” into the Google search field.

But let’s get back to my second thought. I know that I’m just a straight white dude with disposable cash, a.k.a., a privileged imbecile, but I always thought that feminism was about allowing women to live their lives in complete freedom, without the puritanical yoke of bullshit that weighed them down for centuries all over the world. And still does to varying degrees in various places.

It’s not about a strict adherence to anything other than freedom to be/achieve/do whatever you want without anyone else, male or female, judging the appropriateness of or restricting your actions based on your gender.

It just always reveals to me how many misconceptions and what a misunderstanding there is about what feminism is. Feminism is about giving women choice. Feminism is not a stick with which to beat other women with. It’s about freedom, it’s about liberation, it’s about equality. I really don’t know what my tits have to do with it.

Wow, it appears that present day feminist icon, Emma Watson agrees with me. As does all time Feminism Hall Of Fame MVP, Gloria Steinem …

“Feminists can wear anything they fucking want.”

Thanks for cutting through the clutter, Glo!

So what have we learned?

Feminism isn’t about what you should or shouldn’t do, it’s about getting out of the way of/empowering others to live their lives freely.

Inter-extremist online asshole politics is a weird game with enough irrational persecution complexes to set a world record for the biggest group therapy session, just … ever.

And perhaps most shockingly, we learned that there are douchebags in this world that don’t want us to see Emma Watson’s chestal region, even when SHE IS VOLUNTEERING TO SHOW IT TO US! Seriously, no one had to hack her cloud account, or get Top Gun-level proficient at drone piloting, or hide a GoPro disguised as a bar of Irish Spring in the shower at her gym – THIS IS BEYOND CONSENT; SHE HAD THEM PRINTED ON GLOSSY PAPER IN A MAGAZINE!

Stop ruining her (and my) fun.

P.S. For the record, Watson never questioned Beyonce’s “feminism,” she was commenting on her feelings after viewing Beyonce’s “Lemonade” music videos when she said, “As I was watching (the videos) I felt very conflicted, I felt her message felt very conflicted in the sense that on the one hand she is putting herself in a category of a feminist, but then the camera, it felt very male, such a male voyeuristic experience of her.”

Not a surprising reaction, seeing as the co-director and all seven cinematographers on the project were male and, in many cases, men and women have a different eye when behind the camera. A fact that didn’t seem to bother anyone (and shouldn’t) when the new season of my favorite Netflix Marvel show, Jessica Jones, went into production on season 2.

Hermione

Tony Marion is a writer and filmmaker who splits time between Lancaster, PA and Baltimore, MD. He lives for the work of Descendents (the band), Chuck Palahniuk and Rian Johnson. Check out the digital embodiment of procrastination he calls his website here.

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