A Cinecle View – Where the @#$% are the lawyers?

Tony Marion

Tony Marion

I admit that most weeks I spend an inordinate amount of time in this space whining about things that I read on the Internet, but this week, all kidding aside, I really have to know …

WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE LAWYERS?

Seriously, if Hulk Hogan can take Gawker Media for a Carnival Cruise Ship load of cash because they published a video of the Huckster … I mean, the Hulkster, saying his prayers, taking his vitamins and banging best friend Todd “Bubba The Love Sponge” Clem’s wife in their marital bed with Bubba’s permission – a video that he admits is of him and (the now former) Mrs. The Love Sponge – why are lawyers for Blake Shelton, Gwen Stefani, The Voice, NBC News, The Academy of Country Music, Twitter and most importantly, Miranda Lambert, Us Weekly and the TV show Extra not in court right now absolutely demolishing Entertainment Weekly’s website, the manufacturers of Ultra Premium Garcinia Cambogia and whoever runs UsWeek.com?

Recently, EW.com linked to this sensational story about country music superstar Miranda Lambert’s recent weight loss and her ex-husband Blake Shelton’s divorce remorse booty text’s to a now svelte Lambert.

By all means, pop over there, read it, and come right back. I’ll be right here writing inappropriate parody lyrics about Bill O’Reilly set to the Jeopardy theme while I wait.

Juicy, huh?

And not one single, solitary, motherfucking word of that entire “article” is true; including the author’s name and (I’m guessing) identity.

Yet, the paragon of journalistic integrity that is Entertainment Weekly was okay with linking to the story ON THEIR HOMEPAGE …

EW Link Blake Gwen_00000

… regardless of the fact that:

The quote attributed to Miranda Lambert, “I’ll admit it, Blake left me for Gwen because I’d let myself go. You get comfortable in marriage. And Gwen was his hot attractive coworker. But now … now I’m the hot one and he’s the one that’s texting me on the side! Hahaha” allegedly from a “recent” ACM awards red carpet interview for the show Extra, and illustrated by this screen grab to prove that the interview actually happened …

miranda-extra

… is not only completely fabricated …

… but the interview in question was conducted in 2014, while Shelton and Lambert were, in her own words, still “happily married.”

Similarly, the quote attributed to Shelton, “I have no comment on the texting, but I do commend my colleague and FRIEND that she has lost a great amount of weight and looks fantastic. No further comments,” allegedly made by the singer when NBC News brought Blake and Gwen on for an interview some time later to ask about his new touring schedule and mentioned Miranda’s comment and “stumbling over his words and feeling the pressure of Gwen’s gaze, it was obvious that he was caught off guard” is another fiction, complete with another piece of photographic evidence …

… that is not from an NBC News interview with Shelton and Stefani, but from an episode of The Voice in which Stefani was serving as a mentor to Shelton’s contestants, as seen here in this hard hitting Entertainment Tonight expose on their adorableness as a couple …

Author “Alice Clemmens” (just for fun, head back over there and click on her name above the article to experience the definition of “redundant”) also created a fake Tweet-ish graphic to imply that Lambert was pimping their product on her Twitter account like some sort of Kardashian. Only desperate …

miranda-tweet_00000

And, speaking of graphics, I’m pretty sure the folks at Us Weekly

usmagazine_00000

… may have some concerns about say usweek.com’s logo …

usmagazine_00000

REALLY?!?! THEY’RE NOT EVEN TRYING!

And these are far from the only victims related to this product, the cretins that sell it and the sites that happily take their ad money regardless of the outright lies contained within said ads.

Meghan Trainor, Adele and the unlikely trinity of Christina Aguilera, Rachael Ray and Oprah have also apparently had miraculous reversals of fortune thanks to a product so sketchy, there was a class action lawsuit against TV’s Dr. Oz over his endorsement.

So why am I telling you all of this? Because it took me all of about seven minutes and three seconds to round up documentation proving that the Ultra Premium Garcinia Cambogia assholes, and by association, Entertainment Weekly, are attempting to commit fraud on the backs of some music industry heavy hitters to sell some allegedly worthless diet pills and some ad clicks. So I ask, again …

WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE LAWYERS?

If Entertainment Weekly has zero problem accepting ad money from scam artists that fabricate outright lies about the very people that EW covers daily, can their readers really trust anything that they publish about celebrities?

Maybe they should put their own intrepid reporter Derek Lawrence on the case. He seems to have an absolute rage-boner for stories about “fake news”.

And when he’s done there, he should take another look at the Hogan/Love Sponge/Gawker affair. I’ll never not believe that Gawker was buried by 12 jabronis that marked out to a work by Bubba and Hootie.

Tony Marion is a writer and filmmaker who splits time between Lancaster, PA and Baltimore, MD. He lives for the work of Descendents (the band), Chuck Palahniuk and Rian Johnson. Check out the digital embodiment of procrastination he calls his website here.

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