Honestly, I feel a little weird doing this here in the little corner of cyberspace (they still call it that, right?) that I usually reserve for 750 to 1000 words of what can best described as opinion mixed with text based performance art, but if the posters and commenters over at shesahomewrecker.com have no shame in their dirty laundry airing shenanigans, I can actually hold my head up high.
SIDE BAR: Don’t get too comfy, though, homewrecker hangers-on; your time is coming soon.
I get that you’re trying to manage a brick and mortar business in the age of extinction for large footprint retail stores, but seriously, look into some email marketing software with basic reporting functions, like say … oh, I don’t know … CONVERSION RATES. I only bring it up because you keep emailing me with subtle variations of the same coupon and I haven’t come back … and you should have probably figured out by now that I’m not going to.
I wish that I could tell you that it was because of this experience, but that would be putting the blame on a shithead that can’t even appreciate the irony of his own station in life. No, my friend, this one is squarely on you.
At least once per week, you send me a coupon similar to this …
… touting huge savings!
The problem is, I’m a filmmaker, not a musician. The only reason that I’m on your email list at all is because I needed an audio cable the day before a shoot and my go to source for all things production-related, bhphotovideo.com, was closed for one of it’s annual holiday observances. And I NEEDED that cable. If it weren’t for the unshakeable faith of some very devout Jewish folks in New York City and your draconian can’t-sell-a-person-a-dual-XLR-to-3.5mm-stereo-cable-without-Radio-Shacking-their-personal-data point of sale policies, you wouldn’t be reading this. Also, it may be worth noting how well that strategy worked out for them in the long run.
The point is, I don’t need and/or want 99.9% of the things that you sell. And the stuff that I do want and/or need seems to be included on a list of ineligible items longer than the roster of potential side effects in a Cosnetyx commercial …
Dude, I have no use for anything other than cameras, field mixers, computers, software and maybe some mics and cables. But I’m good to go on both the wireless and wired mic fronts, and even if was in the market, you don’t carry either of the brands (Schoeps and Lectrosonics) that I would want to purchase. Though I imagine that if you did, they would be on the no-discount list, too.
But hey, my choice of vocation is not your fault or your concern; I get that you just have some sales data that says that I’m splitting a stereo mini signal into individual XLR channels so maybe I need more advanced audio shit. That’s one of the reasons why I never wrote you about this sooner. The other was that I was genuinely curious about how long you’d keep sending coupons without converting me to an active customer. And believe me, your Quixote-Ahab-Hofstader like perseverance in the face of certain rejection and abject failure is inspiring.
But then I took a hard look at the list of ineligible products, and I realized that this isn’t a coupon as much as the useless slaying of millions of digital trees (that’s how email coupons are made, right?) because many of the other names on the list …
… ARE MANUFACTURERS OF GUITARS AND GUITAR ACCESSORIES!
You’re kind of a tease. I mean, I get the GoPro’s and Apple computers not being on sale, but you’re GUITAR CENTER; shouldn’t the coupon be attractive to people that play guitar? Fender and Gibson, two of the most popular guitar brands in the world are in the buzz killing fine print of that offer – why not just be honest and label the coupon “15% Off Shit That We’re Tired Of Dusting”?
The only thing more annoying than your coupons are the $5 discounts that a certain online seller of Apple computer products occasionally give on $1300 computers. I don’t want to say their name because I still shop there, but I’ll give you a hint: It rhymes with NacNall. If you’re reading this, NacNall sales department, know that if the customer wasn’t going to buy the machine at $1300, I doubt that $1295 is going to move the needle. Unless he or she plans on using that $5 to actually order a drink at Starbucks while they sit there being seen working on their screenplay or making beats on the new MacBook Air that they got for .0038% off of retail.
Look, I’m just a guy who points a camera at stuff and I’m annoyed; if I played guitar I would be super pissed and you’d never see dime one of my money. Unless I broke the most important string on my guitar (the one that sounds like Steve Vai) an hour before the guitar world championships and I needed a replacement or I’d have to forfeit the title to Malmsteen again.
Anyway, I was hoping that you’d come to your senses, but since you’ve been sending me coupons for almost three years even though I haven’t purchased anything since 2014, and the sight of your name and the Guitar Center logo in my inbox now just make me weary instead of amusing me, I think it’s time that we end this sham of a relationship and start seeing other people. Meaning, of course, that I already am.
When B&H is closed I’ll just use Amazon. At least until NacNall starts selling RED cameras for $5 under retail.
Please stop sending coupons.
Tony Marion is a writer and filmmaker who splits time between Lancaster, PA and Baltimore, MD. He lives for the work of Descendents (the band), Chuck Palahniuk and Rian Johnson. Check out the digital embodiment of procrastination he calls his website here.