I’m not ashamed of my guilty pleasures. Well, not most of them, anyway.
ABC drama, Quantico – or as I like to call it, 90210: The FBI Years – I’m looking in your general direction. Seriously, when did the FBI and CIA academies add “Must Be Further Left Than Everyone In Samantha Bee’s Writers Room And Beautiful Enough To Walk A Runway In Case You Flunk Out Of Spy School” requirements for admission?
A terrorist plot at Fashion Week? If only we had some agents that could blend in …
But that beating will have to wait, for I have discovered a website with posters so stupid that it should be required morning reading for anyone with even the slightest of self-esteem issues. Trust me, nothing kick starts your day faster than knowing that not only do others make bigger mistakes and are way more stupid than you in general, but they also like to confirm those facts by posting the evidence online themselves. I check it every morning to see if I know anyone; it’s like digital endorphins!
(If you think the homepage is subtle, wait until you start reading the posts!)
The bad news for the uninitiated is that you’re out of luck if you’re looking for an “About” tab or a mission statement of any kind. The good news is that it only takes reading a post or two to catch out on the express train to denial, misplaced blame and Springer-guest level deficiencies in pride, couth and dignity.
Don’t believe me that it could possibly be that bad? Well, watch in awe as without hyperbole, showmanship or tricks of any kind, I pop over there at precisely 5:42 pm EST on a Monday, copy the most recent post on the site and paste it here …
“This bitch (NAME REDACTED BY ME BECAUSE, FOR FUCK’S SAKE GROW UP, YOU’RE NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL ANYMORE) slept with my husband on over 6 occasions. He told her he was married from the beginning but she didn’t care. She has no morals and is a horrible example for her kid. She targets drunk men at the bar and hands her # out to anyone. Always willing to open up her legs for anyone, and is too desperate to feel wanted. Men only use her for the sex cuz she’s too hideous to actually want something more. She thinks she has them trapped with all the nudes and text she sends these men. She’s a wanna be model, but all she does is play with glow in the dark toys, shows her flat boobs in clubs and calls that modeling. She has a 12inch fore head, sharpied eyebrows, pig nose, flat ass, big gut. Not even close to being attractive. She goes by the name of Wonder Glow, should change it to Wonder Whore or Miss Piggy. I confronted her about sleeping with my husband, her scared bitch ass denied it and said if she had it wasn’t my business. This bitch is disgusting. She’s so desperate for attention cuz no one wants her after she done slept with half of Ohio. No wonder she has an STD. Spread the word about this hideous creature.
I told you, THIS SITE DOES NOT DISAPPOINT!
And this is just the most recent of hundreds of posts that follow the same general pattern:
1. One person (more often that not, but not always a woman) rips into another (again, mostly women, but not always) with insults about their looks and character while accusing them of ruining their relationship with (usually, but not always, a man) their significant other.
2. More often than not, the cheating significant other is characterized as a victim simply unable to resist the bar-skank-siren’s song. In the rare instances that the cheater does catch some blame for their infidelity, it’s usually no more than a casual aside like, “I know he’s at fault too, but …” Are they all dating/married to this guy?
3. Commenters tear the poster apart by pointing out the obvious …
Is it neighborly to pursue someone that you know is in a committed relationship? No, but karma has a way of sorting that out. Trust me; I’ve been in every column of that ledger and no matter what, eventually that shit gets balanced.
The bottom line is that no one can breakup a committed relationship except the two people involved. Attacking the “whore” or “gigolo” that made the play for your “innocent love” all dating or married to this online is nothing more than an attempt to avoid accepting the truth: YOU WERE/ARE HOOKED UP WITH A PIECE OF SHIT THAT CHEATED ON YOU. The sooner you face it and send them packing, the sooner you can get over it and move on. No one wins when you ruin the “offender’s” reputation, hold yourself up to public ridicule and butcher the English language solves nothing.
Except assholes like me.
On second thought, carry on. It would suck if my breakfast was boring.
Tony Marion is a writer and filmmaker who splits time between Lancaster, PA and Baltimore, MD. He lives for the work of Descendents (the band), Chuck Palahniuk and Rian Johnson. Check out the digital embodiment of procrastination he calls his website here.