I’ve been trying to stay out of political issues in this column for a while now, but multiple things happened in the last several days that make it impossible for me to do so. As the greatest man to ever simultaneously hold a cigar, glass of Scotch and a standup microphone on stage once famously said, “I have the right to remain silent, just not the ability.”
THE TRANSGENDER MILITARY BAN
No evidence, study, or research citations needed: This was, without a doubt, the stupidest thing I’ve heard (or actually read) from the Commander-in-Chief’s Tweet hole just … ever.
So, Mr. “Make The Military Strong Again,” you have a group of people actively participating in the defense of our nation in all branches of our armed forces because they actually WANT TO SERVE, and you’re going to kick them out why?
Their associated medical expenses? Fine, don’t cover their surgeries. But you have no reason to discharge military personal that have already transitioned.
Logistics concerns? Many (including me) have been pushing for unisex restrooms, showers and barracks for a long time now. Don’t kid yourselves with “sexual activity excuses”; there’s plenty of sex, both consensual and nonconsensual already happening in your single gender facilities.
The disruption to the unit (pun intended)? Well, if the unit (still intended) is disrupted by wondering whether or not each of its members (switching it up, but still intended) are still carrying their original packages (I’m on a roll), then maybe we have the wrong people standing at attention (intended so hard it actually hurts). I can keep it up all day (sorry, had to get one more in there – and now a “that’s what she said,” for the beginning of this parenthetical thought, too).
Not only is the ban itself a bullshit, pandering blowjob for the worst elements of his base, but the haphazard nature of its announcement on Twitter is the hardest evidence yet that the Trump administration has no idea what it’s doing. Well, that was true until …
THE (FORMER) WHITE HOUSE COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR PROVED THAT HE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO REPORTERS … WITHOUT GETTING HIMSELF FIRED
Wednesday evening, July 26th, (former) White House Communications Director Anthony “The Mooch” Scaramucci called New Yorker writer, Ryan Lizza, and during an extended rant/inquisition into the identity of the source that hipped Lizza to Scaramucci’s recent dinner at the White House, “The Mooch” dropped several career ending quotes.
On his detractors: “They’re trying to resist me, but it’s not going to work. I’ve done nothing wrong on my financial disclosures, so they’re going to have to go fuck themselves.”
On his employees: “What I want to do is I want to fucking kill all the leakers …”
On journalistic integrity: “O.K., I’m going to fire every one of them, and then you haven’t protected anybody, so the entire place will be fired over the next two weeks.”
On (former) White House Chief of Staff Reince Preibus: “Reince is a fucking paranoid schizophrenic …”
On Trump Adviser Steve Bannon: “I’m not Steve Bannon, I’m not trying to suck my own cock.”
Ironically, the one thing that Scarmucci didn’t say was the only thing that he probably should have: “Lizza, this is off the record.”
But he didn’t know any better. And neither did the idiots that gave him the job.
Just a thought, but maybe we could send Steve Bannon on a tour of all US military facilities to teach the troops how to orally satisfy themselves to cut down on all of that unit disruption and whatnot?
J.K. ROWLING PROVED THAT HOLLYWOOD STILL DOESN’T UNDERSTAND
On July 24th, Twitter user Ansel Herz (@Ansel) tweeted “Child in wheelchair reaches up twice to shake the president’s hand” along with the following video showing Trump ignoring the little boy …
Four days later, Harry Potter creator, J.K. Rowling, chastised Trump in a series of Tweets:
“Trump… pretends not to see a child in a wheelchair, as though frightened he might catch his condition.”
“My mother used a wheelchair. I witnessed people uncomfortable around her disability, but if they had a shred of decency they got over it.”
”So, yes, that clip of Trump looking deliberately over a disabled child’s head, ignoring his outstretched hand, has touched me on the raw.”
“That man occupies the most powerful office in the free world and his daily outrages against civilised norms are having a corrosive effect.”
“How stunning, and how horrible, that Trump cannot bring himself to shake the hand of a small boy who only wanted to touch the President.”
All of that character assassination would have been completely, 100 percent warranted … had the video not been edited.
Yes, he’s a narcissistic asshat, but that doesn’t let Rowling off the hook. Even something like this would have been acceptable:
“And to President Trump, I apologise for accusing you of ignoring a wheelchair bound child because of his disability when it is clear now that you were actually very pleasant to him. But you have to admit that it was an easy mistake to make being that you’re such a complete arsehole.”
But by refusing to admit that you did the man wrong, whether you like him or not, you’ve once again reinforced in the minds of everyone that voted him that the notion that the Hollywood elite think they’re better, smarter and more evolved than everyone else is 100 percent true. Thanks!
Glad I got all of that off of my chest because Comcast came over today …
Tony Marion is a writer and filmmaker who splits time between Lancaster, PA and Baltimore, MD. He lives for the work of Descendents (the band), Chuck Palahniuk and Rian Johnson. Check out the digital embodiment of procrastination he calls his website here.