I’ve been critical of the news media in this space MANY times before.
Some would say, “Yeah, we know, too many.”
To those people I say, “Oh yeah, how about you try to come up with 750 to 1000 words at least tangentially related to pop culture every week without pissing off nerds, liberals, conservatives, fans of Billy Bush, Kathy Griffin, Tyrese Gibson, Ryan Lochte and Thomas Gibson, or, most importantly, without getting Joel sued?”
That’s probably why those people don’t listen or respond to me – I ramble when I’m drunk.
Regardless, THERE’S AN ONGOING STORY here in the USA that is being over looked by the media because NO ONE WANTS YOU TO KNOW ABOUT.
Not Democrats. Not Republicans. Not Bohemian Grove or the Illuminati. Not the retail industrial complex.
Amazon? I could actually see how they’d be pretty stoked if I blew the lid off of this puppy.
Okay, then; this one’s for you BEZO$!
Is anyone else thinking Evan Handler for the biopic?
I know, right?
But I digress …
There is a danger lurking around every corner from late November through the first week of January that threatens the safety of every citizen in the union, and yet, the media ignores it in favor of trivial patter like natural disasters, wars, and our Commander-In-Chief’s latest Twitter nutty/outright lie.
What is this scourge that threatens to turn the winter holiday season into a bloodbath?
I’m serious, they’re fucking deadly, and NO MAJOR NEWS NETWORK is covering them!
Okay, now that I’ve fulfilled my contractual obligation to faceless multinational conglomerate Hobo Universal Media Industries Corporation by making this about pop culture by using the thinest of threads possible to tie my gripe to you know, TV or something, let’s get to the heart of the matter:
If you only drive your car between the months of November and January because you only leave the house when it’s time to shop for Thanksgiving/Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa/New Years/Tibb’s Eve celebrations, GET THE HELL OFF OF OUR ROADS. AND STAY OFF!
They drive too slowly and haphazardly, presumably because they’re …
A. Scared to death of everything around them because they never leave home so every minor change to the outside world seems like they’re driving DoC Brown’s DeLorean.
B. You’re fumbling with a pill caddy, clipping coupons with safety scissors, looking for the parking space physically closest to the store even it only earns that designation by a car width, using an actual physical radio dial to tune in Rush Limbaugh or double checking your
handwritten shopping list in a vain attempt to figure out what the hell a BB-9E is.
Spoiler alert: it’s Christmas 2017’s Cabbage Patch Kid for people glued to their smartphone arguing with strangers on the boards at the force.net about The Last Jedi instead of actively participating in Christmas dinner.
Whatever the reason, I want these people off of my streets permanently or forced to drive year round so that the surprising things that they encounter while crawling between malls during the winter, like, other cars going the speed limit, become commonplace and less jarring to them.
In the last seven years I’ve witnessed nine accidents during the winter shopping months, and in two of those cases, by “witnessed” I mean “was a victim.” When you combine distracted, holiday-agenda-obsessed, slow drivers with aggressive, fast and or/furious, everyday is Death Race 3000, Baby Driver wannabe’s, you create a commuting scenario that inevitably ends with the rest of us as collateral damage. Seriously, here’s an algorithm:
87.7% more slow moving obstacles x the usual number of racer-douches = WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE! (Or at least be late)
I know what you’re thinking: “But Tony, how are these innocent seasonally locomotive folks going to exercise their constitutional rights to acquire groceries for bountiful feasts fit to serve as the prequel to a Roman vomitorium and overpriced, mass marketed gifts for their lazy, spoiled, ungrateful children and/or grandchildren?”
Thank you for that insightful query, Internet, I’m glad that you asked.
I’m launching a petition on change.org to demand a bill that will slightly modify the federal tax overhaul proposed by Republicans in Congress to help get these dangerous impediments to getting to place alive and on time out of their cars and on to their computers.
My plan is simple.
While tax rates and brackets remain the same, we use the revenue that would have remained with taxpayers under the Republican plan to hook-up each seasonal driver with the following publicly funded additions to their homes:
- Internet access
- An iPad, Galaxy, Fire or similar tablet of their choice. EVEN IF IT MEANS
THE XL MODELS
- A lynda.com account so that they can watch tutorials on how to use their new … Peapod and Amazon accounts
- A tween to teach them how to use all of those things for $15 dollars per hour
If only you pricks would spend our money this wisely.
There, now all of you Halloween to January 2nd drivers can spend the 64 days between November and January doing what you do the other 300 days of the year – STAYING IN YOUR HOMES AND OUT OF OUR WAY.
Happy Holidays, everyone!
Oh, and do better, “media”! Sick burn …
Tony Marion is a writer and filmmaker who splits time between Lancaster, PA and Baltimore, MD. He lives for the work of Descendents (the band), Chuck Palahniuk and Rian Johnson. Check out the digital embodiment of procrastination he calls his website here.