A Cinecle View – The Name Game
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Without a doubt (yes, pun intended) one of the most speculated about celebrity couples in all of famous people land is country music legend Blake Shelton and pop music powerhouse Gwen Stefani.
Even after the long awaited announcement that another royal wedding has officially been added to the calendar at Buckingham Palace hit the airwaves, fiber optic cables and interwebs …
WHAT? 16 time X Games medalist and professional BMX legend Ryan Nyquist is engaged to “Hot Girl” from 2005’s A Lot Like Love? I honestly don’t care if no one got that joke, that was GOLD, Jerry!
Gwen and Blake are still such a focal point for entertainment media, i.e., paparazzi bait …
… that THEY FOLLOWED THEM TO CHURCH ON CHRISTMAS EVE!!!
Why is everyone so fascinated with them? Well, let’s be honest, how they ended up together is an interesting story. Two high profile music icons, each entwined in their own celebrity marriage that went down flames, meet at work and fall in love despite appearing to be (at least superficially) polar opposites in every way.
Stefani, former lead singer of 90s pop ska yardstick No Doubt, was married to lead singer and songwriter of 90’s British alternative rockers Bush/reason Skeet Ulrich is sitting by the phone waiting for Lifetime to call, Gavin Rossdale.
Come on, a few “prissy accent” and “looking like you’re pursing your lips even when you’re not” lessons and Skeet’s GOT this!
Stefani and Rossdale were late 90s alternative rock royalty, but like most rock and roll marriages, it didn’t last. Though it wasn’t chemicals that came between them (yes, pun intended) …
… it was (ALLEGEDLY) their nanny.
See, LITERALLY right there between them!
Shelton was also half of a power couple with singer Miranda Lambert, seemingly being groomed and propped up by the country music industry to be their next king and queen.
Dilly dilly! Wait, what’s the country equivalent of that … Dolly Dolly?
But that relationship, too, was done in by infidelity. Some say his, some say hers, but only one of them actually confessed on Billboard’s Hot Country Song Chart …
When asked to comment, Shelton released a statement vaguely disguised as musical Scrabble tips …
Whatever the case, Stefani and Shelton met, became friends, and eventually a couple through their jobs as coaches for contestants on the hugely popular NBC singing competition show The Voice …
Does that count as “disclosing the relationship to HR in a timely manner”?
And now, all eyes in American entertainment media are on them. Well, on Stefani. Specifically, one part of Stefani.
Now, normally I don’t get into following celebrity relationships let alone baby watches, but this one fascinates me on a very specific level – potential Stefani-Shelton baby names.
You see, Shelton’s made the division of responsibilities in their relationship VERY clear …
… so baby monikers are seemingly the exclusive purview of Stefani, a mother of three sons with Rossdale, each with a, well, let’s say, unique name that leads me to believe that they may have been named after the places in which they were conceived.
There’s oldest son Kingston, which could be a reference to either Kingston upon Thames in Britain or Kingston Jamaica …
I’ll guess the latter.
There’s middle son, Zuma, which could refer to Zuma Beach in California …
Hmmmmm, I think a pattern is beginning to emerge in Stefani’s naming scheme; BEACHES. Lets see if she continued to ride that wave (yes, pun intended) when naming her youngest son … Apollo?
NICE! You go, Gwen! So what if Stefani and Rossdale defiled a landmark? I think naming the resulting child after it is suitable penance.
With this as a working theory, I decided to get ahead of the curve by compiling a list of potential Stefani-Shelton baby names using the same naming convention but applying it to the most probable conception sites for the new couple.
- Texoma Stefani-Shelton
- Tishomingo Stefani-Shelton
- Ole Red Stefani-Shelton
- Deer Blind Stefani-Shelton
- Tractor Stefani-Shelton
- Luke Bryan’s Guest House Stefani-Shelton
- Tonight Show Green Room Stefani-Shelton
- Big Red Spinning Chair Stefani-Shelton
- Adam Levine’s Hot Tub Stefani-Shelton
- Carson Daly’s Dressing Room Stefani-Shelton
- Brickwall Stefani-Shelton
Just some suggestions from me to the happy couple.
Though, I just realized that all of my hard work brainstorming baby names for a theoretical Stefani-Shelton child could be for naught. What if naming the kids after their geographical point of conception was never Stefani’s idea, but Rossdale’s all along?
The only way we’ll ever know for sure will be the birth announcements for little Billy or Susie Stefani-Shelton and Backseat Of His Or Her Live-in Child Care Worker’s Ford Fiesta Rossdale.
Tony Marion is a writer and filmmaker who splits time between Lancaster, PA and Baltimore, MD. He lives for the work of Descendents (the band), Chuck Palahniuk and Rian Johnson. Check out the digital embodiment of procrastination he calls his website here.