Just Friends – Karyn

November 22, 2005 Boxcar Betties, Just Friends No Comments



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Name: Karyn
Age: 24
Sign: Taurus

Karyn is the kind of girl you could take home to meet your mother, as long as mom is cool with lots of drinking and swearing. In addition to being way out of Joel’s league, she could probably beat him in a fist fight.

1. How long have you and Joel been friends?

Well, I would have to say somewhere around a year and a half.

2. What do you think of him?

Overbearing, obnoxious little toad.

2b. No, what do you really think of him?

Joel rocks. He’s enough of a smart ass that he can manage to come off as a sweet and funny guy that reminds you of the teddy bear you hugged, then punched, as a kid.

3. If Joel gave you a gun with three bullets (and Leonardo DiCaprio was already dead), what three celebrities would you shoot and why?

First and foremost, Jewel. Her voice is pure torture on my eardrums and I would aim the gun directly at her throat. My second bullet would be dedicated to Keanu Reeves to spare all of mankind from another movie with his deplorable acting ability. Ahh, the last bullet. Considering my growing list of deplorable people on the planet, I would have to dedicate an island to all of the individuals that do not deserve to live, then have them strung together and strapped with explosives. I would then use my last bullet to start the chain reaction of explosions by shooting the first one to look at me cross-eyed.

4. What would be the perfect way to spend a day with Joel (assuming he allows you to hang with him)?

The day must start out with a trip to the closest of my favorite bars. After a deliteful buzz had been worked up, along with consumming fattening bar food, we would then proceed to search out the best adult entertainment store. After perusing all of their merchandise options, we would retreat to another bar to discuss the different products and their uses.

5. What are five random words that describe Joel?

hmm, observing, quiet, funny, different

6. Joel just really pissed you off. You have ten seconds to tell him off. What do you say?

I don’t need words. I use my fist.

7. Can Joel borrow five bucks?

Sure, as long as he signs a contract with 87.4 percent interest with a two year commitment.

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Just Friends – Nicole

October 4, 2005 Boxcar Betties, Just Friends No Comments



Name: Nicole
Age: 23
Sign: Slippery When Wet

Nicole is an absolute whirlwind. She has a deadly combination of beauty, brains and a willingness to say exactly what’s on her mind. Maybe it has something to do with living in Philly, the only city to ever have a jail inside it’s football stadium.

Whatever the reason for her sharp tongue, it only adds to her charm. It’s a shame Joel doesn’t have a shot in hell with her.

1. How long have you and Joel been friends?

One time Joel poured paste down my Little Mermaid underwear in kindergarden, so i stuck gum on his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle lunch box. Been friends ever since.

2. What do you think of him?

He’s a dirty slut.

2b. No, what do you really think of him?

No wait, that was me.

3. If Joel gave you a gun with three bullets (and Leonardo DiCaprio was already dead), what three celebrities would you shoot and why?

Lance Armstrong for the irony of it, Jerry Fallwell for moral reasons and Richard Simmons for fun.

4. What would be the perfect way to spend a day with Joel (assuming he allows you to hang with him)?

I’d sweep Joel off his feet with champagne and flowers. Then once the roofies I slipped in his glass took effect, rape his bum ’til the cows come home.

5. What are five random words that describe Joel?

titillating, fetching, seductive, fascinating, toxic

6. Joel just really pissed you off. You have ten seconds to tell him off. What do you say?

“Joel, you’re so stupid I hate you and your wrestling watching, below the Mason-Dixon line living, bullshit … ok, I love you. Undo your pants.”

7. Can Joel borrow five bucks?

Only if I can stick it in his g-string while he jiggles his balls to “I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred.

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Just Friends – Tara

August 30, 2005 Boxcar Betties, Just Friends, Tara No Comments




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Name: Tara
Age: 26
Sign: Aqua-baby

Tara, a self-described “pitbull in platform boots,” is an Amazonian force to be reckoned with. By day, she works in prospect and fund-raising research for a Boston school. By night, this Irish lass is likely to be found pouring back pints in a local dive bar, making out with boys ferociously or hanging out with any number of her hep cat friends. In her free time, she paints, draws, works on musical projects and devises evil schemes to take over the world, one country at a time. It’s a shame Joel doesn’t have a shot in hell with her.

1. How long have you and Joel been friends?

Forever and a day, it seems.

2. What do you think of him?

He’s an amazing guy – cute, smart, total firecracker in the bedroom. I swear. Honest to god.

2b. No, what do you really think of him?

Really? I think he sucks, big time. But don’t tell him I said so.

3. If Joel gave you a gun with three bullets (and Leonardo DiCaprio was already dead), what three celebrities would you shoot and why?

Paris Hilton, so I can stop seeing her smarmy bony ass everywhere – at least if she did something worth being famous for, I might understand it all; Tom Cruise, just to put him out of his misery and Jessica Simpson – get rid of her before her fame slips even more, and she becomes even more of a joke than she already is … and she just makes me want to punch her in the ovaries.

4. What would be the perfect way to spend a day with Joel (assuming he allows you to hang with him)?

Playing shuffleboard and drinking cheap beers.

5. What are five random words that describe Joel?

Awe-inspiring, shiny, ingenious, polished and pink

6. Joel just really pissed you off. You have ten seconds to tell him off. What do you say?

Go suck a Bactrian camel’s dick, Joel.

7. Can Joel borrow five bucks?

Only if he does a little dance for me. And if he pays me back tomorrow.

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