Chris Kirkman

Previously, on Down the Hatch: I wrote a column filled with Goonies, CSI: Miami and Silence of the Lambs references wherein I dared to question the decisions of the Powers-That-Be. Subsequently, that generated a maelstrom of 53 comments at current count on HoboTrashcan. People, that’s more times than Kate’s been kidnapped. That’s more comments than half my columns combined back in season four – but that probably has more to do with me going on and on about Juliet than anything else. Speaking of Juliet, is anyone checking out Elizabeth over in V? Yeah, me neither. Anyways, this week’s episode was a repeat of “Ab Aeterno” so there will be no disparaging comments since I found that episode completely satisfying. If you’re itching for a recap, you can always check out my review of the immortal Spaniard’s origins and meet me back over here when you’re done.

In the meantime, I’m going to just take a look back at a few things that may have fallen through the cracks the past few weeks, starting with a certain special young man whose name with whom you’re all very familiar.

WAAAAALLLLLLTTTTTTTTT!
In the past couple of weeks on Lost, some long-sought mysteries have finally been explained – namely the secret of the whispers and the revelation by MIB that he has been trotting around the Island as Christian Shephard. Despite the plethora of discussion about the delivery of said secrets, we have all spent the better part of three weeks wrapping our minds around the implications, most notably that of MIB’s notorious shape-shifting. Since MIB admitted that he showed up as Christian Shephard at least once, the natural and logical assumption is that every time we see Daddy Shephard on screen, it’s Ol’ Smokey filling his white tennis shoes. However, as many of you have noted, that opens a whole can of worms in terms of continuity and in what we have learned of the “rules” of MIB.

For starters, MIB tells Sawyer that he can’t just turn to smoke and fly off the Island, because if he could then he wouldn’t need a plane to escape. Of course, back in Season four, we see Christian appear off Island twice – once in LA to Jack (which, admittedly, could have been a drug-induced hallucination), and once on board the Kahana when he tells Michael that it’s finally okay to blow himself to bits. Now, if MIB can’t leave the Island, then who or what the heck is going on here?

The off-Island appearances aren’t the only conundrum surrounding MIB’s revelation. We know of several other instances of his shape-shifting, showing up as Alex and threatening Ben, as Yemi to take down Eko and even being tied to those ridiculous Medusa spiders that did away with Nikki and Paulo. That’s all fine and good, and I have no problems with logically connecting those instances of shape-shifting manipulation with MIB. There is one small, almost-forgotten instance that does have me scratching my head, though, and it involves that very special little boy whose name we all love to scream: Walt.

Way back in season two, in the premiere, Shannon gets a little visit in the Jungle of Mystery from the whispers and then Walt, who – at this point – had been taken off the raft by the Others. Walt appears to Shannon soaking wet and he utters what sounds like gibberish. As most of you will recall, that gibberish was simply reverse speech.

Even though it is still debated to this day, Walt’s backwards speech supposedly translates to: “Don’t press the button, the button’s bad.”

All the button references aside, Walt appears to Shannon twice more in the heartbreaking episode “Abandoned,” which taught us that it’s a very bad thing when we finally start to care about a real problem character. At the beginning of the episode, Shannon’s all cozy inside Sayid’s love tent when Walt shows up and starts dripping water all over the place. He speaks in reverse again, and this time he supposedly says: “They’re coming and they’re close.” Shannon, not being fluent in backwards gibberish and a bit unnerved by the sudden appearance of a young black male in her tent, screams her bloody head off. Sayid doesn’t believe what she saw and she spends the rest of the episode getting all huffy and whining, until the end when Sayid catches up to her in the Jungle of Mystery and they have a real heart to heart. It’s raining, Shannon’s shivering and Sayid finally admits to her that he loves her and that he believes here. It’s about that time when the whispers start up and he glances over Shannon’s shoulder to see none other than Walt standing off in the bushes.

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Chris Kirkman

“The Last Recruit” Recap and Analysis …

Previously, on Lost: Seriously, if you don’t know what’s been going on up until this point, you might as well just go watch American Idol.

This week, on Lost: Not a whole lot happens. Okay, so that’s not entirely true; Kate got kidnapped again (for the 26th and 27th time), the crew continued to blow the hell out of Hawaii and Desmond is starting to get a little creepy. But in a delightful way. Oh, what the heck, I’ll fill you in on the rest.

Hurley, Jack, Sun and Lapidus arrive via torchlight at Camp Black Hat and Locke/Ol’Smokey/MIB invites Jack out into the Jungle of Mystery for a little chit chat. Jack cops a squat and tells MIB he’s bothered because he doesn’t have any idea who the hell MIB really is. MIB tells Jack that he thinks Jack does know, all mysterious-like. Then Jack susses out that MIB took the form of John Locke because Locke was stupid enough to get himself killed and then Jack brought his body back so that MIB could assume Locke’s form – cuz Smokey can only look like dead people. Jack asks MIB straight up if he was masquerading as his daddy way back in season one, and MIB says yup, sure enough. Because he was trying to lead Jack to water. Just like that.

Sorry, I must interject for one moment: Kiss my ass, Lost. No, seriously. We go six seasons of everybody and their brother pussyfooting around important issues like they had explosives strapped to their gonads and the truth would set off the detonator, and now here MIB tells Jack to cop a squat and unveils that he was posing as Daddy Shephard so Jack could find water. That just ain’t right, people. I mean, we had to sit through a whole season and a half of the Others having a rice paddy refugee party, for cripes sake! We had two episodes on Tom Friendly’s beard. I go into this more later, so don’t go hating on me just yet.

Yeah, I’d say that one look sums it up for me too, Locke.

Anyway, I digress. MIB goes into his whole spiel about getting on a plane and jetting it to freedom, but they all have to do it together. Then Jack starts singing old Locke’s praises, about how he was the only one who believed in this place, and I can only sit in amazement that the man of science is exalting the man of faith. MIB cuts Jack of real quick, though, and tells him that John Locke was not a believer – he was a sucker.

Speaking of Locke, he’s having an awfully bad day over in LA X. He’s been run down by Desmond and is rushed to the hospital in an ambulance with Dr. Linus. Ben doesn’t have much information for the EMTs, other than John is a paraplegic – which the EMT somehow missed, despite the fact that he saw Locke’s wheelchair smashed to pieces. Ben doesn’t even know his emergency contact, but Locke manages to eke out Helen’s name, saying that he was gonna marry her. Ben tells him he still can, because he’s gonna live.

If Terry O’Quinn doesn’t win an Emmy for this season, there might very well be rioting in the streets.

Outside the ER, Sun is being rushed in on a gurney at the same time as Locke, and she has a little near-death vision, saying about Locke that “it’s him!” We can only assume that she’s seen Locke Prime’s true face.

Back on Island Prime, Jack and MIB wrap things up and Jack and Claire have a little brother-sister reunion. They catch up on old times and current news – like how their dad is really an ancient smoke monster from either hell or another dimension. You know, things like that. Claire says it’s good to have Jack on the team, and Jack says he hasn’t decided yet if he’s joining Team Black Hat. Claire says that Jack sure has decided – he made the decision the minute he let MIB talk to him. Then she gives him the ol’ creepy stare.

At dawn, everybody’s sitting around Camp Black Hat, drinking coffee, making “people to kill” lists, and pretty much just acting like it’s a boy scout jamboree. Sawyer fills in Hurley about the plan to steal Widmore’s sub, but Hurley wants to know why Sayid’s not invited. James informs Hurley that Sayid has gone over to the dark side, but Hurley says that people can always be brought back from the dark side – remember Anakin? Oh, Hurley, you rock in so many ways.

“So … Jack and Claire are brother and sister, right? And their dad turned out to be the smoke monster who’s, like, evil and stuff and on the Dark Side. Dude, that means Locke is like Darth Vader! Wow, I’m really glad we never caught Jack and Claire making out or anything …”

Claire comes over and she and Hurley hug it out while Sawyer makes faces.

Back in LA X, Officer Ford has AlternaFreckles in custody, and they do the usual flirty song and dance while James reads off her rap sheet. James thinks it’s awful weird that they keep bumping into each other, and Kate wants to know if he’s flirting with her and why he let her go at the airport. James just says all he saw was a pretty girl that needed a door held open for her. Kate calls him on his bullshit and says that he was in Sydney doing secret stuff that nobody needs to know about. James grins and tells Kate he likes her.

Miles interrupts and says they have a little situation. We all get a little taste of the buddy cop procedural that will spin off into its own show in the fall.

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Chris Kirkman

“Everybody Loves Hugo” Recap and Analysis …

Previously, on Lost: Chuck Widmore kidnapped Desmond, stuck him in a Velociraptor enclosure filled with coiled contraptions from the 2145 AD Radio Shack catalog and forced Des to do a little Doctor Who-like dimensional sidestep over into LA X where he learned, again, that it’s NOT PENNY’S BOAT and fell in love with Penny all over again. Oh, and Richard “Lashes” Alpert wants to blow some shit up.

This week, on Lost: Over in LA X, Pierre Chang put on a humanitarian slideshow for AlternaHurley, who, now beyond rich from his love of fried chicken, had just donated enough money to open a paleontology wing at the Golden State Natural History Museum. Hurley thought the trophy, a glass-shaped T Rex, was pretty cool. His mom agreed, saying everybody loves Hugo – everyone except women. Momma Reyes wants Hugo to date more, but Hurley doesn’t have the time. Uno momento por favor, says momma – she’s set him up on a blind date on the next night. Hurley doesn’t seem too sure of that idea.

Back on Island Prime, Hugo is up on Boone’s Hill, visiting Libby’s grave. A bird of paradise rests against the makeshift cross, Libby’s name scrawled down the vertical stake. Hurley tells Libby that a lot of people on the Island have talked to him since they’ve been, well, “gone” and it would be nice if Libby could maybe say hi once in awhile, too. Ilana interrupts, telling Hurley that they’re gonna trek through the jungle of mystery to the Black Rock and pick up some of that swell dynamite they got in there. Hurley doesn’t think this is a very good idea. Ilana asks about the grave, and Hurley recounts his brief relationship with Libby, saying that they were supposed to have their first picnic until she took an unexpected slug in the gut. We all wipe away a tear.

“I’m sorry,” says Ilana, as she walks away. “Yeah, me too,” says Hurley, solemnly. That’s when the whispers start up, and a lone figure walks up and says “Hey!”

Hey Mike, how’s it hanging in the afterlife? You do realize you’re standing on the grave of the lovely lady you murdered to save Waaaaaaalllllttttt, don’t you?

Hurley wants to know what the heck Kevin Johnson could possibly want, and Walt’s daddy tells Hugo in his usual impertinent manner that he’s there to keep them from all getting killed.

Cue the swirling Lost!

Michael and Hurley continue to have a staring contest, until Hugo asks why he should trust Mike since he’s a murdering bastard. Michael tells Hurley that if they go across to the plane that a lot of people are gonna die, and it’s gonna be Hurley’s fault. Mike tells Hurley that people are listening to him now. And … cue the Jack. “Hey, who you talking to, big guy?” No one, says a slightly stunned Hurley. Jack says it’s time to go in suitable Jackian fashion.

Back in LA X, Hurley is eating chips and salsa in what looks like the same Mexican dive where Metatron took the last Scion in Dogma. His blind date is late. Hugo sighs and picks up the Spanish Johnny’s menu for what is probably the 20th time, and hides behind it until a soft female voice asks “Hugo?” Hurley lowers the menu.

Holy frijoles, it’s Libby! I’ve never been so glad to be wrong in my life. Thank God you got to come back, at least for one episode.

Hurley is stunned by the blond beauty in front of him, and stammers, falling over himself trying to say hello. Hugo says that he wasn’t expecting someone so pretty, and that she doesn’t look like a Rosalita. Rosalita she’s not, explains Libby, telling Hurley that she saw him from across the room. Hurley wants to know how she knew his name, and she starts up with the usual mental health disclaimer from every other person who has ever been locked in a mental institute because they felt like they’d lived a life and had loves in another dimension. Then she asks Hurley if he believes in soul mates, to which Hugo subsequently asks if, indeed, he should. “You don’t remember, do you?” asks Libby.

Dr. Brooks interrupts and wants to know if Elizabeth is bothering the nice man. Hugo is suitably confused, but Dr. Brooks informs Hurley that Libby has just wandered off and that he’ll be taking her away now. Libby strains against the psychiatrist, pleading that Hugo believe everything that she’s told him and she meant it. She’s then escorted away.

Hugo makes his way outside and waves to Libby as she’s helped into a Santa Rosa Mental Health Institute van. Hurley smirks and shakes his head, obviously thinking to himself “figures.”

A distressed Hurley marches into his local Mr. Cluck’s and demands a bucket from one of his awe-stricken employees, then proceeds to down the whole thing, alone, at a table in the middle of the establishment. He soon pauses at a drumstick, noticing a man staring him down. It’s Desmond. “What?!” demands Hurley. Desmond quickly walks over and asks if he knows Hurley. Hurley explains that he owns the place, and offers Desmond a “Cluck it To You” keychain. Desmond insists that’s not the connection and they establish that they were both on Oceanic 815. Desmond sits down and notices all the chicken. Hurley says he eats when he’s depressed, and Desmond wants to know her name.

I want a Cluck it To You keychain, actually. And a bucket of white meat. Stat.

Hugo pushes away the bucket and tells Desmond his strange encounter with Libby. He thinks she’s totally awesome, but, unfortunately, she’s a few fries short of a Happy Meal. Desmond tells Hurley that all women are a little crazy. Amen to that, brother. Hurley says that Libby told him they already knew each other, but Hurley doesn’t remember. Desmond leans in real close and asks if Hurley believed her. Hugo pauses, then agrees that he did. Desmond tells Hurley to go with his gut and to seek Libby out. Then his order number is called – number 42, naturally – and Des excuses himself with a knowing smile.

With a renewed confidence, Hugo follows his chicken-filled gut over to Santa Rosa and asks Dr. Brooks if he can see Libby. Dr. Brooks doesn’t think it’s such a good idea since Libby doesn’t have a real firm grasp on reality. Undeterred, Hurley mentions that the rec room is looking pretty gnarly and, grinning, whips out his checkbook, asking Dr. Brooks what 100k might buy.

In the same rec room where Hurley from Island Prime had visited Leonard Simms while he played Connect Four and recited the numbers, he now waits to see AlternaLibby. She comes in, awestruck that he’s there, wanting to know if Hurley remembered. Sadly, he doesn’t. Hugo asks Libby from where, exactly, she knows him and she tells him it’s from memories of another life, with a plane crash and an Island and they knew each other and liked each other. Hugo still doesn’t remember her, and she’s says it’s okay, that she’s just crazy. Hurley says probably, but “we all got something, right?” Oh, Hurley, we love you so.

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Chris Kirkman

“Happily Ever After” Recap and Analysis …

Previously, on Lost:

Nobody can tell ya,
There’s only one song worth singing,
They may try and sell ya,
‘Cause it hangs them up to see someone like you …
But you’ve gotta make your own kind of music,

Even if nobody else sings along …

This week, on Lost: We open on an eye, of course. Desmond’s eye. He’s groggy. Zoe’s there, and she explains that he’s coming out of sedation, and that they had to move him from the hospital. Desmond wants to know where he’s been moved, and he also wants to see Penny. A familiar voice informs Des that won’t be possible, and the plucky Scot looks up to see ol’ Chuck Widmore. The look on Desmond’s face and the sigh of disgust say that he’s not glad to see his bastardly father-in-law.

Desmond is understandably perturbed, and Widmore urges everyone to leave so he can take care of things. Chuck reminds Des that he was shot by Ben. Desmond just wants to see Penny, and Chuck tells him that his wife and son are perfectly safe. Chuck apologizes for taking Des away so quickly, but he had to do it this way because there’s no way Des would come with him if he hadn’t. Come where? asks Des.

“I brought you back to the Island. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling, but if you’ll give me a chance to explain …”

“Explain?? Explain it to this IV stand, you old British bastard!”

A couple of members of the Geek Squad rush in and stop Desmond from beating the Boddington’s out of Chuck. Desmond struggles, screaming his Scottish lungs out, demanding to be taken back. Chuck tells Desmond that he can’t take him back – the Island isn’t done with Desmond just yet.

Widmore wipes the blood from the huge gash in his balding head and saunters into the hall. Jin is there, wondering why Desmond is on the Island. Chuck tells Kwon that it would be easier to show him than tell him, because nobody who knows anything about the damn Island likes to talk about it. Widmore orders Zoe to get the test ready for Desmond, but Zoe reminds Chuck that the test wasn’t scheduled until the next day. Chuck knows when the bloody test was sheduled, just get his machines ready. Then he storms off in a particularly British way.

Zoe takes Jin on a little walk to one of the Hydra facilities, past one of the old Velociraptor enclosures.

Tell me seriously that this scene doesn’t remind you of the opening of Jurassic Park. Dharma could have had Velociraptors. It’s a time-travelling Island, you know. I’m just saying.

Zoe takes Jin into a control room with nobs and geegaws and all sorts of ex-military and steampunk technology. The rest of the Geek Squad are there, running around, flipping switches and acting important. Zoe informs Seamus – that’s the chubby one – that Widmore is moving up the schedule, and Seamus gets all agitated, saying that these are 20-year-old generators and there’s no telling what will work and he’s not even supposed to be here today, etc. Seamus decides to do a power test, and he turns some nobs and flips some switches, and then pulls back on the gearshift from a 1971 VW – and nothing happens. He orders one of the other geeks, Simmons, to go down and check the solenoids, and then informs a white bunny named Angstrom that he’s going in the box next.

Simmons runs down to the Velociraptor enclosure and goes inside. He uses a PKE meter or something to test the shininess of two ginormous copper coils, facing each other on opposite ends of the box. There’s a chair with straps in the middle between the two coils.

Nothing good will come of this.

Meanwhile, up in the control room, Zoe and Seamus watch Simmons on a monitor. Over in the corner, one of the geeks yells out that he’s found it – it being a bad breaker on the generator. He grips a large switch and says that he’s gonna bring it back online. In classic comic book secret origins manner, he flips the switch and we all see what’s coming.

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Chris Kirkman

“The Package” Recap and Analysis …

Previously, on Lost: AlternaJin forgot to mention his briefcase full of money on the customs form and was detained at LA X, Richard got a message from his dead wife that the Man in Black must be stopped and Flocke sent Sawyer on a little recon mission to Hydra Island, where James brokered a double deal with ol’ Chuck Widmore.

This week, on Lost: At Camp Black Hat, somebody is spying on MIB’s team with night vision goggles. Sawyer offers Kate some fake cocoa, and crazy Claire sits around doing whatever it is that crazy Claire does. MIB sits down and offers Jin some advice on his hurt leg, and slides in a little bit about the caves that he showed Sawyer. MIB doesn’t know if the cave names mean Jin or Sun, but regardless he wants to leave with both of them, and he’s working on getting Sun back together with her hubby.

Back in LA X, AlternaJin and AlternaSun are still in trouble with customs. Jin is finally released, but the customs officer is sorry to inform him that they’re gonna have to hold onto the 25 grand that the Korean brought with him. Jin doesn’t notice the Disney Cruises pamphlet sticking out of the customs officer’s pants pocket, and so he grabs Sun and hightails it out of there.

At their hotel, the desk clerk mistakenly assumes that Jin and Sun will be staying in the same room, but we soon learn that the alternapair are not married in LA X, and can’t share a room because it’s not proper.

Upstairs, Jin wants to deliver Mr. Paik’s wristwatch to the restaurant like he was asked, but Sun is feeling sassy and seduces him with some playful unbuttoning banter.

“Should I button this one?” “No, definitely not that one …” Attaboy, Jin! Forget about the wristwatch, you’ve got a different package to deliver tonight.

And the next morning …

By the look on Sun’s face, I’d say she was satisfied with the delivery. Also, by the look of their bed, the set designers shop at Target. Seriously, that duvet is called “Perch” and it’s $79.99 for a king.

Sun rolls over, all Smiley McSmilerson, and tells Jin that they should just run away together – she has some money, and her dad doesn’t need to know. This AlternaSun is spunky! Jin jumps out of bed and says, “This was your plan all along?” Sun just says, “Aw, come back to bed – that’s just what we call pillow talk, baby.”

There’s a knock on the door, and Jin does the old “hide in the bathroom” trick that many a guy has used at least once in his life. Sun opens the door and smarmy Keamy is there, wanting to know where his promised goodies are at. He invites himself in.

Sun hopes that Keamy is just looking for the watch, so she hands it over. Keamy just smiles, and wants to know where his 25 grand is hiding. Keamy’s little lackey, Omar, comes in and Keamy notices two champagn flutes next to the bed. He tells Omar to check the bathroom and find Kwon. Looks like Keamy’s done the old hide-in-the-bathroom trick a time or two, as well. Sun pleads with Keamy in Korean, so Keamy sends Omar out to fetch Mikhail, who happens to be well-versed in over six million languages – Korean, one of them. In the meantime, Keamy urges the two love-birds to get dressed.

After Mikhail gets there and fulfills his protocol function, Keamy finds out that the money’s been seized by customs. He tells Sun and Jin that that’s not his problem, and he wants the money. Sun brokers a deal, telling Keamy that she has an account and that she can get him his money if she can get to the bank. Keamy sends her off with Mikhail and decides to take Jin to the restaurant for collateral.

At the bank, Sun finds that her account has been closed – by her father. She wants to know why her father would close the account, and Mikhail just stares at her like a dumb broad and says “Why do you think?” Wow, Mr. Paik sure is a slimy bastard, setting Jin up for certain doom just for shagging his daughter.

Back at the restaurant, Omar puts a booboo on Jin’s nogging, which Keamy cleans up before duct-taping Jin’s mouth shut. Since Jin can’t speak English, Keamy channels his inner Blofeld and proceeds to spill the beans about his whole nefarious plan to pop Jin because, as any good lackey knows, you keep the hands off the bossman’s daughter. Farmers, too.

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