Nicole Alexandria

[Editor's Note: Joel Murphy is out doing uncool things, so today we bring you a special guest column by confessed hipster Nicole Alexandria.]

I know we just met, but there really isn’t any diplomatic way to skirt around the issue so I’ll be blunt. I am what people commonly refer to as a … hipster.

I am so sorry. I assure you it wasn’t a decision I made consciously. I didn’t wake up one day and say, “God damn I look good in giant glasses without a prescription. I think I’ll toast my aesthetically pleasing genius with a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer!”

My realization didn’t come with a look in any mirror as to what mistakenly horrible fashion choices I made. (Although I have to say in an effort to maintain full disclosure, I look pretty damn good in a good pair of skinny jeans and I rock a pair of Samba Classics while riding my vintage Schwinn to the local coffee shop with the best of them). No, my epiphany was far, far worse. I recognized an abnormally high level of pretension within myself. Not only was I pretentious, but that it was specifically targeted towards the mainstream world and how it distorts all that is great into an over-commercialized watered down version of itself.

To be fair though, mainstream culture really isn’t giving me much to work with. It astounds me that a little boy who can’t sing also has one of the highest grossing movies of the year in which he doesn’t act either. Apparently you can become rich and famous for having cool bangs. And if you see two poor crazy women fighting on the street most logical people would call the cops, but if you said women have money and hair extensions you can make a television show out of it and call it “Real.”

Prior to this jolt in my self awareness, I had just assumed that I was intolerant due to my long lineage of being born and raised in the great city of Philadelphia. Anyone who has watched sports in the last few decades would agree that Philadelphia takes the concept of “hating” to a near professional level. It’s just who we are. We take your town’s amateur heckling, and we vomit all over you adolescent daughter with it. (To be fair, that fan was from Jersey. There is nothing good about you or what you do, New Jersey.)

I can pinpoint the entire basis of my inner hipster on one thing and one thing alone. I don’t have cable. I can’t afford it. I stream just about everything on the Internet, and when you have to put in an effort to search and pirate you become far more selective in what you watch and don’t. The remote control makes settling for whatever crap cable station tries to pass for entertainment far too easy. A simple click of a button in a weird way earns the less then mediocre quality and warrants it passable. Every week when you post those great lines from the latest episode of the Jersey Shore on your Facebook walls, I just assume the Apocalypse is near. The few episodes I’ve seen appear to be a loophole in it being politically correct to point and laugh at mentally challenged people who have a rare skin deformity that make then orange. Too many carrots maybe?

Does this mean that you can actually stream radio stations that play music that isn’t Nickleback? And there are books written by people not recommended by Oprah? Just how deep does the rabbit hole go?

One day you wake up reading a book called Confessions of an English Opium Eater because modern stories of heroine addictions are so cliche and find yourself saying you miss the old music of a band people that’s just starting to be able to feed themselves off the money they make playing music. Or worse, you only like the original versions of great songs, which seemingly always in a six degrees of Kevin Bacon way can be traced to the old great Blues artist on Cadillac Records like Billy Holiday or Howlin Wolf. How’s that for pretentious?

I would welcome cable back into my life completely if it became affordable in the future, however I have to tell you, once the withdraw subsides, it’s really very nice to not be sold everything I buy through commercial advertising. I’m not brainwashed into seeing a movie with glittery effects like dramatic montages, or snippets of humor, or explosions and boobs. Which leaves more money for beer.

And I don’t care what you say, PBR is delicious.

By Brian Shea

[Editor's Note: Brandi DeLancey is out making a difference in the world, so this week we bring you a special guest column by former HoboTrashcan writer Brian Shea.]

I settled in front of the computer on a Saturday morning. My daughter wanted nothing to do with me, and my wife had left for work. I tried to get a few things done, but kept going back to Twitter and Facebook.

This is typical. I have the attention span of a 10-year-old and a Sheen-like need for attention and validation. Since I have been married 15 years and have a 10-year-old in the house, I need to get those things on the Internet.

So between trying to figure out what music to upload the Amazon Cloud thing and wavering on whether I should actually write something useful, I had an interesting back-and-forth on Twitter about the moods of 10-year-old girls with a guy who is part of a group currently saving television comedy through Twitter.

Bill Lawrence (@vdoozer), the creator of Spin City, Scrubs and Cougar Town (which even he admits is a terrible title for a great show) has a daughter the same age as I do, and he regularly engages his fans in conversation, 140 characters at a time. Apparently, he had as much free time on his hands that morning as I did, so we commiserated.

But he also uses the platform to joke about the regularity of the sex he has with his wife, actress Christa Miller (@ChristaBMiller), trades friendly barbs with Community creator Dan Harmon (@DanHarmon) and promotes an upcoming show featuring former Scrubs star John C. McGinley (@RealJohnnymcG).

I joke when I say that Lawrence – who I have a huge man crush on for full disclosure – is saving television comedy through Twitter, but the efforts of show runners like him, Harmon and Mike Schur of Parks and Recreation (@kentremedous) indicate that shows can reach their fiercely loyal and obsessive audiences through Twitter in a way like never before.

Most fans of The Office have probably read about Steve Carell’s departure from the show online or in a magazine or newspaper. But only the people who follow Schur and Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling, of course) who plays Kelly on the show and serves as one of the main writers, got a glimpse into Michael Scott stories which never managed to get past the writer’s room.

Since the fans who follow these sort of conversations are likely the ones to make sure they watch each week, DVR the show in case they get distracted and buy the DVDs to hear the commentary tracks from the stars and creators, I don’t think I overstate the importance of Twitter for those in the comedy game.

The hard-core fans generally have a pretty solid understanding of what it takes to make a successful comedy. We bristle at the longevity of According to Jim and Two and a Half Men because we appreciate the creative genius it takes to pull off the meta humor of Community and the in-season revamp which allowed Cougar Town to avoid a disastrous end.

This group also connects to like-minded people through services such as Twitter. When Lawrence and Miller jab each other through Twitter or Kaling tells us about her favorite Michael Scott moments, we might pass them on to friends who may give the show a try or develop a greater connection because they got a chance to peek behind the curtain.

But we’re also easily distracted. We have a lot of channels and know how to find something on Netflix or OnDemand when networks mess with the regular schedule or we just can’t wait for the next new episode. Some rush to declare something has “jumped the shark” before it has aired even 40 episodes. This group has a very high percentage of people who think that they can do better than the people currently writing, acting and directing.

So when the people in those positions try and connect with the online hordes as equals, it can go a long way. Sure, you have the rare asshole who just wants to puff their chest and toss around insults, but most fans really appreciate this outreach and develop an even stronger affinity for the shows which value this interaction. Lawrence has jumped on this trend by trying to tap into the 9,000,000 people who follow the Scrubs page on Facebook in an effort to generate more interest in Cougar Town even though his show has received a renewal for next season.

That could mean more viewers or better DVD sales or an increased buzz about a series. Since comedies have to continually fight moronic reality shows for space on prime-time schedules, this could mean the difference between survival and cancellation. What’s more genuine – a letter writing campaign to save a show organized by a magazine or fans having questions answered directly by creators and actors online?

Of course, we all may just be wasting time together. I’m okay if it’s nothing more than that because when I read about the insanity of some people in Hollywood, it’s nice knowing that at least some of them like to spend their Saturday mornings goofing off and annoying their kids.

Brian Shea used to write for HoboTrashcan, but like Gladys Knight, he left us Pips behind to write for his own site, Regular Guy Column.

By Brian Shea

[Editor's Note: Joel Murphy isn't here this week, but then again, can you ever really prove that anyone is actually anywhere? When you get right down to it, your perception of other people is nothing more than light bouncing off of them which is then interpreted by your brain. For all you know, Joel Murphy and HoboTrashcan itself are simply figments of your imagination, parts of a world created entirely for you in your mind where you are the only real person alive and everyone else is just make believe.

So really, when you think about it, Joel not turning in a column this week is kind of your fault. So while you ponder the mysteries of this world and blame yourself for a lack of Murphy's Law today, please enjoy this special guest blog post by former HoboTrashcan columnist Brian Shea.]

When wrestling makes the news, it is often for the wrong reasons. Sure, those of us who have competed or stay connected to the sport will never stop hearing the joke about tights vs. required uniform from The Breakfast Club. But there have been controversies about the safety of cutting weight and whether certain moves, shall we say, cross the line of sport.

This whole situation cropped up again recently when Iowa high school sophomore Joel Northrup defaulted to Cassy Herkelman in the first round of the state wrestling tournament. Herkelman was one of two girls to qualify for states in Iowa, the first time this had happened in state history.

So she also became the first girl to win a state match because Northrup, the son of a pastor, thought it was not “appropriate for a boy to engage a girl in this manner” because of the “violence” inherent in wrestling. After the easy win, she lost two matches, one by a relatively close decision, and was eliminated.

I want to approach this from two different angles. Before I give my opinion, the historic nature of this is important.

Joel Northrup is some some poor schlub who had to make a choice. He finished third in the state as a freshman last year for Linn-Mar High School, the alma mater of defending NCAA champion Matt McDonough of the University of Iowa and former Hawkeye national champ Jay Borschel.

The school has had two state placewinners every year since 2002. Northrup, who is home-schooled, but competes for the school, went 35-4 prior to states. He ended up losing in the consolation rounds because defending 103-pound state champ Ty Willers was upset and beat Northrup 3-2 in overtime. He’s a pretty darn good wrestler, which makes his decision to pass up a state championship pretty interesting.

But that’s where I draw the line – at interesting. The news drew attention for good reason, but I think people congratulating Northrup for sticking to his beliefs are missing the boat here. If his family is truly instilling him with faith and respect, he would have wrestled Cassy.

She qualified for the state tournament. She deserves to be treated like any other competitor. She won matches in order to reach this pinnacle. She did not practice every day and work all season to be turned into a cause by someone else.

If life were perfect, states would have unlimited funds to run fully developed gender-neutral wrestling tournament. That’s not the reality though. Cassy Herkelman is a wrestler in the state of Iowa, not a girl wrestler. She didn’t make this about her, but Joel Northrup and his family decided to make it about him.

The sport of wrestling is not sexual or violent unless you want to look at things that way. Shame on the Northrup family for looking past the wonderful lessons that the sport has taught me and many others over the years. They may think they are doing the right thing, but they’re really only looking out for themselves.

Brian Shea used to write for HoboTrashcan, but like Gladys Knight, he left us Pips behind to write for his own site, Regular Guy Column.

Chris Kirkman

[Editor's Note - Aaron R. Davis has the week off, so today we bring you a special guest column by our good friend Chris Kirkman. Kirkman used to write the spectacular Lost: Down the Hatch recaps on this site and now he runs his own website called Dice Hate Me, a blog about his lifelong love of boardgames and the bitter hatred of the dastardly dice usually found within.]

I will happily admit that I’m pretty easy to shop for around the holidays. Any amusing trinket will usually bring me extraordinary glee, especially if it is shiny or has pretty pictures on it. However, when it comes to gifting me games or game-related paraphernalia, the gifter may often find themselves in dangerous territory since, well, I have a lot of stuff. Thus, consider my utter shock and surprise glee when my in-laws presented me with a gaming gift that was both new and incredibly thoughtful – The Games Bible. As I thumbed through the pages after the gift wrap had all been torn asunder, I also began to realize that this little gift deserved yet another adjective – awesome.

The Games Bible, by Leigh Anderson, is a hefty little tome chocked full of all kinds of gaming goodness. The book is broken down into 18 chapters that share the full rules of a diverse set of games that often require nothing more than a pen and paper, a deck of cards, a couple of dice and/or some coins/pawns/matchsticks. The chapters are divided into interesting sets such as Games of General Cleverness, Brainy Games for Two, Indoor Frolics and the intriguing and educational Victorian Parlor Games.

Many games in The Games Bible will be instantly familiar; there is an entire chapter titled A Card-Game Refresher and full rules for other classics such as badminton, croquet and Nine Men’s Morris. However, for every common game like Liar’s Dice, there are even more strange and wonderful entries such as Yoga Ball Jousting, Pussy Wants a Corner and Charles Ate a Goat Testicle in Nigeria (I’m not lying, check out page 22!).

Here, for your sampling pleasure, are excerpts of a handful of games that I found fascinating and noteworthy:

Coup d’Etat

This little mindwar can be found in the Brainy Games for Two category. All you need to play is a standard deck of cards and a handful of nickels and dimes – or simply two different denominations of coins.

Starting setup

The gist of the game is thus: the two players are rulers of rival factions/kingdoms/governments. Each wants to find the other faction’s leader and assassinate him, or use influence to turn the people against their ruler in a coup. At the start of each game, the players secretly arrange their “country” by laying out specific cards, face down, in a six by three-card grid in front of them. These cards will be the King (the leader), as well as his court, an Ace, which can be used as an assassin and number cards two through eight, which represent the populace. Players then place five coins, heads up, on the top of cards in the row closest to them. These are the players’ spies, and they are used to move along the grid, uncovering cards and granting each player a glimpse into the structure of their opponents’ countries. Spies can be flipped at any time (turn the coin to tails) to indicate that the card underneath is now a supporter of a coup, adding a certain number of influence points to the effort.

Players can win by activating the assassin – the Ace – and successfully snuffing the enemy leader, or by creating enough coup supporters to total 25 or greater influence points in the enemy country.

1,000 Blank White Cards

This completely wide open nonsense game was played by me and my friends long before I even knew there was an official game with a semblance of structure. In 1,000 Blank White Cards, players take a stack of blank cards, choose a title and/or description, draw a picture and then tell how many points are added or deducted from a player’s score when the card takes effect. Depending on how silly and/or creative the group is, some cards may state rules that change the game, or give instructions to do something that has no effect on the game whatsoever, but will be fun to watch another player make a fool of themselves.

Each player then takes the cards that they have created and begin playing the game. Each turn, players can play cards directly on another player, to the middle of the table (affecting everyone), or on themselves. At any time, a player can pass and draw another card, usually creating something that will cripple the points leader or force them to regret being the leader. And … that’s it. The rest is madness, mayhem and, quite often, a masterpiece of silly theatrics.

Hot Cockles

This racy little “game” is from the Victorian Parlor Games section, and makes you realize just how sexually repressed a group of people can be who thought that a woman showing off her ankles was akin to appearing nude in Playboy. In Hot Cockles, a gentleman kneels in front of a lady and places his face in her lap while the rest of the party guests walk by and slap his hand. He must now deduce, one by one, which guest was the slapper. Oh, those wacky Victorians.

Ministry of Silence

I would love to tell you about Ministry of Silence, but System won’t allow it. The details and objectives of this exercise are for top-level clearance, only. The following details are cleared for Level 1 participants:

• There are 14 to 16 participants in this exercise.
• Some of you are not what you seem.
• All of you have obtained certain clues that can be used to achieve the objective of this exercise. Unfortunately, it is illegal for most of you to talk to one another.
• We are watching.

I have only had the chance to read about half the book, and experience far fewer of the games, but I am more than eager to try out almost all of them. As a self-proclaimed components junkie, I must admit that I love cracking open a new board game and watching all the goodies come spilling out; The Games Bible really has none of that since every game is distilled to its basic bits. That’s totally fine by me, though, as I can use some of my favorite components to play most of the games.

Although The Games Bible contains quite a few interesting challenges for two players and a small group, I feel the book’s strength lies in providing some fascinating large group activities. Many a time have I been at or hosted a gathering with 10 or more guests, each of varying levels of game geekiness. Trying to find a game that can accommodate so many people with such a wide variety of gaming tastes can be daunting. The Games Bible can give frustrated hosts a plethora of possibilities so that you all don’t have to sit around and play Mafia for the hundredth time (and if you do, it’s in here, too – on page 132!)

Some gifts seem nice at the time, but they end up collecting dust on a shelf. I can honestly say that The Games Bible will gather no dust, its cover soon beaten and worn as any well-used and well-loved book’s should.

You can find The Games Bible here. You can find more of Chris Kirkman’s game reviews at Dice Hate Me. Or, you can revisit his old Down the Hatch recaps by visiting the archives.

By Brian Shea

[Editor's Note: Joel Murphy is out buying copious amounts of eggnog, so today we bring you a special guest blog post by former HoboTrashcan columnist Brian Shea.]

In recent years, we have learned more about how television ratings work than we probably ever needed to know. We have been told that whatever precedes a show (i.e the lead in) has a significant effect on how a show does. We had this beat over our heads during the Conan O’Brien-Jay Leno fiasco.

So if this is indeed true, if we as Americans are so lazy that we will watch something simply because we were watching the thing before it, how the hell do five million people get the idea to overcome this laziness when Modern Family ends on Wednesday nights and Cougar Town begins?

I don’t really know how my man crush on Cougar Town creator Bill Lawrence developed. I always loved Scrubs and really enjoyed his commentary on some of the early season DVDs. Then, as Scrubs headed toward its conclusion … and its second conclusion … Lawrence decided to sit down with influential TV bloggers and just open up about the process which determines what shows get on TV and how they stay there.

He had a refreshing and honest outlook on the weirdness that is television entertainment. When a guy says part of the impetus to keeping his show alive is to employ the crew he has become friends with, you can’t help but like that guy.

I also found out that we are the same age and, if not for some very short-sighted thinking by the admissions officer at the College of William and Mary who waitlisted me instead of admitting me, we would have become best friends in college, and I would be his right-hand man today. It was destiny if not for that one decision back in 1986.

So when Scrubs wrapped up and the awfully-titled (admitted by even Lawrence) Cougar Town debuted, I got excited. I could not wait for Lawrence’s new creation. In reality, I should have waited because the show got off to a rocky start. But after a half-dozen episodes or so, something very good happened.

The premise of Courteney Cox’s character Jules being a cougar who bedded young men went out the window for a goofy, inside-joke driven ensemble comedy about Jules and her friends. The power of this development is why I can’t believe those five million people turn off the television each week.

This takes me back to the way my crush on Lawrence developed. In the commentary tracks of the first few seasons of Scrubs, he had a chance to look back at the things they had done and why they stuck with some gags and got away from others. You could tell he didn’t just do the commentary track for the heck of it. He really wanted to let the viewer know about the show.

So I know that in the first season or so of Scrubs, they had a ton of sound effects. You heard a whip when people turned their head quickly. Cartoon running sounds indicated the need for a quick escape. The exaggerated smack of a hand accompanied high-fives from The Todd.

At some point, Lawrence realized he didn’t need the first two of those. The thing with Todd needed to stay, but they looked at whether the writing and acting was goofy enough and determined the sound effects were simply overkill. They slowly evolved the show as they went along from week to week.

In this day and age when some shows only get one or two weeks to show their stuff, the ability of people like Bill Lawrence to pull this off cannot be understated. Sometimes, you have to give a team of writers and actors a while to get a feel for how the show works. They’re making freaking TV shows based on web sites. Can we have a little patience in development?

Since Lawrence had the credibility to keep Cougar Town on the air, his team had a chance to make the transition from what they pitched into what made people laugh. I worried about the original premise, but now look forward to 9:30 on Wednesday nights almost as much as 9 p.m. You should too.

You’re missing a group of people greeting each other like a hibachi chef when someone enters the room just because it sounds funny. You’re missing a group of guys bonding over a game called Penny Can. You don’t get a chance to enjoy Christa Miller’s eye rolls and snarky jokes that made her such a great addition to the Scrubs cast.

Cougar Town gets seven million viewers now, which is nothing to sneeze at. But Modern Family gets 12 million and The Middle, another show I think people don’t rate highly enough, gets nine million. So, for the love of God, keep the TV on after Modern Family. You don’t know what you are missing.

Brian Shea used to write for HoboTrashcan, but like Gladys Knight, he left us Pips behind to write for his own site, Regular Guy Column.