By Joel Murphy

(In no particular order.)

Bad lap dances. Face facts honey, no one cares about your amateur dance background. Just stick with the bread and butter … or, in this case, stick to buttering my bread.

Subway restaurants. You’ll never be as good as Quiznos and you should stop trying to toast your subs immediately. Seriously, you don’t know what you are doing. Step away from the toaster oven. And just get rid of Jared, your asexual pitchman. I liked him better when he was Pat on Saturday Night Live. He doesn’t make me want to buy sandwiches. He just makes me secretly wish he’d get fat again so I don’t have to see him on my television anymore. But, I can tolerate all of that. But, the last time I went into a Subway, the girl didn’t even cut my sub in half and she couldn’t figure out how to roll my footlong BMT inside the wrapper. If this is what passes for a “sandwich artist” these days, I fear for your immortal souls.

Petitions. Your favorite television show gets cancelled, so you go online and sign your name to some meaningless Internet petition. What the fuck is the point? Do you think this is going to make a difference? What is the success rate on these petitions? Have they ever worked? I can’t imagine you can ever get enough signatures to make a difference because if enough people really cared, then the show would get great ratings and it would still be on the air. That being said, if HBO ever cancels The Wire, I’ll sign every petition I can find. I might even be one of those losers who pickets outside their office building. So come on, HBO, nobody wants that. Keep greenlighting.

Stores that put Christmas decorations up three months in advance.

Christina Aguilera’s wedding. We are officially running low on whorish pop singers. Ever since Britney Spears went out of her way to shatter her sexy image by giving up shoes, bathing and proper dieting, it was sort of comforting knowing Christina was still out there being as “dirrty” as she could be. With her shacking up, that puts a lot of pressure on Jessica Simpson. Besides, it probably really hurts Christina’s chances of ending up in Hustler.

Oil companies. I think it’s time the American people got to do some gouging of their own. Let’s start with these oil CEOs eyes. Or maybe their kidneys. And when we are done beating the piss out of these people, lets stack them all up in a big pile and start a massive bonfire. Lord knows, with what it costs to heat our houses these days, we are going to need the warmth this winter.

Jimmy Fallon.

Democrats. I’m sorry, but you are all to blame for Bush still being in the White House. Everything around this guy is crumbling and you still can’t hit the death blow? Clinton got his knob polished and there was an independent council and an impeachment. Bush lied about the war in Iraq, his approval ratings are plummeting and everyone in his inner circle is being indicted or investigated for something. Grow a set and get this guy out of there immediately. If you could have found someone better than John Kerry or Al Gore, we wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place. And don’t even think about having Hillary run in the next election, because that shit isn’t going to fly either.

Little baby kittens. Yeah, I said it. Deal with it.

Instant replay in the NFL. I’m not against the concept because lord knows, the refs need all the help they can get. But, what was put into place to help refs make the right call is now just a way for them to blow the call a second time based on the pretty liberal standard of “indisputable visual evidence.” If you are fucking blind to begin with, I doubt you are going to see indisputable evidence under that stupid little hood. And why can’t certain plays be challenged? I think you should be able to throw the red flag for anything, regardless of whether someone was ruled down by contact or a whistle blew for no reason. If they can fuck it up, you should be able to challenge it.

The International Star Registry. For $139 (plus shipping and handling), you can buy a “personalized star chart” and a “complimentary personalized wallet card imprinted with the star name and coordinates.” What a perfect way to show a loved one how incredibly bad you are with money. Seriously, if you want to do something special and practical, spend two dollars and have your significant other’s name printed on a grain of rice. That way, if things go bad, they can always eat it.

Random thought of the week:
Two words – open bar.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably the reason why he has his own column. He also has some really hot friends. You can contact him at: murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com

By Joel Murphy

(In no particular order.)

The price of gas. It cost me almost fifty bucks to fill up my gas tank the other day, which is insane. I’m ready to buy an electric car or take a bicycle everywhere. Why aren’t we drilling in Alaska? I don’t care about the enviromental concerns. At this point, if you told me kicking a dolphin could save me a buck or two per gallon, I’d nail field goals with Flipper.

Our government. I miss the days when I used to worry about Big Brother watching my every move. After seeing how inadequate our governments was at handling the fallout from Hurricane Katrina, I realize that even if there was a top secret government agency watching my every move, it would probably be run by one of George Bush’s college buddies and it wouldn’t be the least bit effective.

Presidential election bumper stickers. Either your guy won or he lost – it doesn’t matter because the election is over. Take the bumper sticker off your car. Letting the world know that you voted for John Kerry isn’t going to fix shit in this country, it’s just going to show everyone that you backed a loser.

The way they package CDs.

Books For Dummies. If you are reading one of these books, you are obviously a moron. No really, it says so right in the title. Personally, if I want to learn something new, I don’t need to be insulted while doing it. So, I will continue to stay away from this series unless they change the name to “Books for Otherwise Intellegent People Who Happen to Be Unknowledgeable On This Particular Topic.”

PG-13 movies. Stop watering down R-rated movies so that kids can get into them. I’m 24-years-old and I want to see more violence and nudity in movies than your average 13-year-old can handle. Besides, teenagers are broke. I actually have a job and a car I can use to drive to the movie theater. Make movies for me. I miss the days when your average cop movie always found a way to lead the investigation into a strip club for some random nudity. Can’t we bring that back? How about some graphic violence? Stop cutting away during the best parts. Hopefully the recent success of good R-rated movies like The 40 Year Old Virgin and Wedding Crashers will convince Hollywood to stop watering shit down.

Jimmy Fallon.

Reality TV. It’s had a nice run, but I think it’s time to just let it die in peace like every other stupid fad. There is nothing real about it anymore. I love watching a bunch of average people fighting and hooking up as much as the next person, but these days all of the reality contestants look like out of work actors and the shows seem more scripted than some of the serious dramas out there. I’d rather have them put five more CSIs on the air than have to watch a Martha Stewart Apprentice show or Big Brother 37.

Televisions inside minivans. Every time my brother and I are driving down the road and we see a minivan with a little television screen showing some random Disney movie, we both get pissed off. Now, my brother gets upset because he feels that kids today spend too much time staring at television screens. He thinks that kids don’t need tv screens in cars, portable video games and all of the other televisions in public places that keep popping up to keep children quiet and save parents from actually having to do any parenting. But my anger comes from somewhere else – I’ve read stories about showing porn on these minivan screens, so everytime I see a one showing Aladdin, I just feel cheated.

The new passing cone feature on Madden 2006.

Jimmy Fallon.

Feeling like an old man. As I mentioned above, I’m only 24, but I feel like I’m 60. More and more I find myself saying stuff like “these kids today” and “when I was young.” I’m not sure what is going on with me lately, but I was in 7-11 the other day and I couldn’t get over how expensive candy bars have gotten. You used to be able to get three Mr. Goodbars for 99 cents. You just had to walk up a hill in the snow to get them.

The loss of peace and quiet. I was at a Redskins game recently where they had a moment of silence for someone who had died and still you could hear people talking or yelling out random shit the whole time. Why can’t people be quiet anymore? You can’t even go into your local library or movie theater these days without some dumbass talking loudly on their cellphone. Why can’t people just take a moment and shut the fuck up? Trust me, your conversation isn’t interesting enough for everyone in the room to be listening to, so just hang up the phone and shut your mouth. When did we get so dependant on cell phones anyway? How did we make it so long without talking to our friends and family ever five minutes, yet now we can’t live with out them. I hate cell phones and I hate talking to people. I tell you, every day I get closer and closer to just living in a cave.

Joel Murphy is the creator of Hobo Trashcan, which is probably the reason why he has his own column. He also has some really hot friends. You can contact him at: murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com