Brian Murphy

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for the eighth-annual “Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl” column. So head to Las Vegas and put money on it – this is why your favorite football franchise won’t get it done this year.

Arizona Cardinals – For his career, Kevin Kolb is 3-4 with 11 touchdowns and 21 turnovers (14 interceptions and seven fumbles). In Arizona, that translates into a five-year, $63 million contract.

Atlanta Falcons – The Falcons have won 33 of 48 regular season games over the last three years, while going winless in the playoffs. They’re one more postseason collapse away from moving to San Jose and naming Joe Thornton captain.

Baltimore Ravens – I’m convinced Ricky Williams signed with the Ravens after watching The Wire. Don’t be shocked when he tries to move to Hamsterdam.

Buffalo Bills – I’m pretty sure it’s not a good sign when your team’s best player is your punter.

Carolina Panthers – The Panthers have paid out more than $100 million in signing bonuses this offseason because, any time you have the chance to overpay the core of a 2-14 team, you’ve gotta do it.

Chicago Bears – It’s probably not a good sign that Jay Cutler’s most consistent target during his time in Chicago has been DeAngelo Hall.

Cincinnati Bengals – With Carson Palmer and Chad Ochocinco gone, the Bengals don’t have five players on the roster casual fans can name. Sadly, they might not even have five players worth learning the names of.

Cleveland Browns – The one head coach in Ohio worth a damn took his sweater vest and went home.

Dallas Cowboys – Little known fact: Tony Romo and Candace Crawford were originally supposed to get married at the end of last year, but she demanded the date be moved to July because, as you know, Romo never shows up in December.

Denver Broncos – Broncos fans are so stupid, they actually chanted for Tim Tebow to be the team’s quarterback even though he’s not any good.

Detroit Lions – The Lions head into an NFL season with legitimate expectations for the first time since Barry Sanders carried the load in the Motor City. What could go wrong?

Green Bay Packers – During the team’s visit to the White House this offseason, Charles Woodson presented Barack Obama with a share of Packers stock, making the president a part owner of the storied franchise. Because, you know, he doesn’t already have enough to deal with.

Houston Texans – Let’s be honest – Matt Schaub, Andre Johnson and Arian Foster have won a lot more fantasy football games than actual football games during their time in Houston.

Indianapolis Colts – Peyton Manning is good and all, but I’m pretty sure even he needs a healthy neck to be effective.

Jacksonville Jaguars – NFL blackout rules prevent Jacksonville fans from reading this.

Kansas City Chiefs – It can’t be good when the biggest news out of Kansas City this preseason involves teammates Thomas Jones and Jonathan Baldwin coming to blows.

Miami Dolphins – Dolphins fans are so stupid, they actually chanted for Kyle Orton, even though he’s still a.) mediocre and b.) collecting paychecks in Denver.

Minnesota Vikings – If Donovan McNabb couldn’t get it done in Washington, what exactly is he supposed to accomplish in Minnesota with a legit running back, an improved offensive line and a head coach who doesn’t openly despise him?

New England Patriots – Put it this way: Tiger Woods has won a major more recently than Tom Brady and friends have won a playoff game. And he did it without Justin Bieber’s haircut.

New Orleans Saints – How many Super Bowls have the Saints won without Reggie Bush?

New York Giants – Word on the street says head coach Tom Coughlin has offered a job to former Giants running back Tiki Barber. I guess he’s tired of being the least liked guy in town.

New York Jets – Rumor has it newly acquired receiver Plaxico Burress is demanding the Jets utilize more of the shotgun. If Rex Ryan doesn’t get a handle on this situation quickly, he might be shooting himself in the foot for ever taking a chance on the convict.

Oakland Raiders – Each year owner Al Davis mandates that his front office drafts the player with the best 40-yard dash time, ensuring Oakland has the fastest four-win team in football.

Philadelphia Eagles – Even Eagles players know Philly can’t win the Super Bowl this year. Why else would they be openly comparing themselves to LeBron James and the Miami Heat?

Pittsburgh Steelers – Because Ben Roethlisberger makes Sidney Crosby seem almost likeable. Almost.

San Diego Chargers – Norv Turner.

San Francisco 49ers – Frank Gore can’t stay healthy and Alex Smith can’t play football. Other than that, they’re good to go.

Seattle Seahawks – I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that replacing Matt Hasselbeck with Tarvaris Jackson isn’t really an upgrade.

St. Louis Rams – Everyone knows NFC West teams can’t even finish a season with a record above .500.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – I’ll refrain from sharing my true feelings about the ‘11 Buccaneers because I don’t want to be the next white boy to get knocked the hell out by running back LeGarrett Blount.

Tennessee Titans – Jake Locker is great … as long as you’re looking for a quarterback with accuracy issues who isn’t very good at reading defenses.

Washington Redskins – Because the Redskins haven’t even won their own division since Bill Clinton last enjoyed a cigar in the Oval Office.

Note to Self originally ran on HoboTrashcan from August 2005 to August 2009. Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy. Contact him at murf@homermcfanboy.com.

Brian Murphy

[Editor's Note: To celebrate HoboTrashcan's five-year anniversary, we are bringing back five defunct site features for one week only. Check back every day this week to be overwhelmed with nostalgia.]

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for the seventh-annual “Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl” column. So head to Las Vegas and put money on it – this is why your favorite football franchise won’t get it done one this year.

Arizona Cardinals – Okay, wait – your gameplan was to let Anquan Boldin walk away and then make Matt Leinart your starting quarterback? That’s your idea of putting your best foot forward?!? Come on, son. You’re not even trying.

Atlanta Falcons – The Falcons are coming off back-to-back winning seasons for the first time in franchise history. No pressure.

Baltimore Ravens – Purple camouflage.

Buffalo Bills – Ask the Maple Leafs the last time a team who willingly plays home games in Toronto won anything.

Carolina Panthers – The Panthers have one player worth a damn in their passing game – four-time Pro Bowler Steve Smith. How did he spend his offseason? Breaking his arm playing flag football.

Chicago Bears – Great idea putting Mike Martz and Jay Cutler together. I mean, these two have always been willing to set their egos aside when facing adversity, right? They’re definitely a match made in heaven.

Cincinnati Bengals – Stockpiling washed-up Dallas players who couldn’t win anything meaningful when they were Cowboys sounds like a great plan. What could go wrong?

Cleveland Browns – Because LeBron left.

Dallas Cowboys – Admit it, the thought of Jerry Jones watching two other teams play in the Super Bowl in his dream stadium is too awesome to cheer against. He’d cry after reading this, if his face was capable of showing emotions.

Denver Broncos – Everyone loves an athletic quarterback who can keep defenses guessing, right? Wrong. Mike Vick and Vince Young were better college players than Tim Tebow and how many Super Bowl have those two won?

Detroit Lions – The Lions’ hopes and dreams will come crashing down when Jahvid Best refuses to take the field against the Redskins in October because he’s still afraid of cornerback Kevin Barnes.

Green Bay Packers – The Packers gave up a league-high 51 sacks last season. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that their starting tackles are a combined 137 years old.

Houston Texans – Last season marked the first time in franchise history that the Texans finished a season with a winning record. Let’s give them a little more time before we rush to invite them to the grown-ups table, okay?

Indianapolis Colts – The sooner the Colts season is over, the sooner Peyton Manning can dedicate his time and energy to whoring out for any commercial Snoop Dogg isn’t available for.

Jacksonville Jaguars – For all we know, they might win it all. It’s not like anyone goes to Jaguars games or anything.

Kansas City Chiefs – I don’t care if Romeo Crennel, Charlie Weis and Matt Cassel kidnap Tom Brady and force him at gunpoint to play for the Chiefs – that team isn’t finishing above .500 this season.

Miami Dolphins – Because LeBron showed up.

Minnesota Vikings – What aspect of Brad Childress’ coaching career is supposed to inspire confidence in Viking fans?

New England Patriots – I’ve asked this before and no one has a good answer for me – what exactly have the Patriots won since they got caught cheating and had to start playing by the same rules as the rest of the league?

New Orleans Saints – Kim Kardashian gets with Reggie Bush. The Saints win. Khloe Kardashian gets with Lamar Odom. The Lakers win. Kim Kardashian dumps Reggie Bush. You see where this is going.

New York Giants – The Giants are stacked at running back and receiver. Too bad their quarterback is too dumb to remember his helmet when he takes the field.

New York Jets – After being dumped by the only team he’s ever know (the Chargers), LaDainian Tomlinson responded by getting the Jets logo tattooed on his calf. Not smart. We all know rebound relationships never last.

Oakland Raiders – Because Jason Campbell hates playing for a winner.

Philadelphia Eagles – Of course you have no need for the most successful quarterback in your franchise’s history. I mean, the guy only got you to the NFC championship game four times in a decade. Why keep him around? Nicely done, morons.

Pittsburgh Steelers – Ben Roethlisberger has openly tried to sabotage his playing career with a motorcycle and loose women, and still the Steelers do nothing. Next step? Cooking crystal meth in his basement.

San Diego Chargers – Norv Turner.

San Francisco 49ers – Vernon Davis. Brian Westbrook. Michael Crabtree. Alex Smith. One of these things is not like the other.

Seattle Seahawks – Because Pete Carroll was so successful his first time coaching in the pros. Or his second time, for that matter.

St. Louis Rams – Forking over $78 million to an injury-prone rookie. What could go wrong?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – The Buccaneers are so irrelevant that they’re floating rumors about a possible trading for disgruntled defensive lineman Albert Haynesworth just to remind people Tampa still has a team.

Tennessee Titans – I honestly don’t think the Titans have much of a chance this season, but I’m not saying another word about them for fear that LeGarrette Blount takes a swing at me.

Washington Redskins – Since 1992, the Redskins have never won a playoff game without Vinny Cerrato on the payroll.

Note to Self originally ran on HoboTrashcan from August 2005 to August 2009. Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy. Contact him at murf@homermcfanboy.com.

Brian Murphy

[Editor's Note - Aaron R. Davis is playing with a basket full of adorable kittens, so please enjoy this special guest column from former HoboTrashcan writer Brian Murphy.]

The Olympics were great for the sport of hockey. Canada and Team USA put on an instant classic that immediately became the lasting memory from Vancouver and, as a result, more Americans tuned in for the gold medal game that damn near any other program on TV in recent history.

Since the closing ceremony, I’ve heard countless blowhards postulate that this is a great thing for the National Hockey League. The story goes that casual sports fans have been drawn back in, so now hockey is once again relevant. Because, you know, the sport was nonexistent just a few years ago thanks to a lockout that cancelled the 2004-05 season.

With all the buzz, it’s only a matter of time before ESPN remembers to work the NHL back into their highlight rotation. I mean, wouldn’t you rather see American heartthrob Ryan Miller stand on his head rather than be subjected to a 14th NBA highlight during a 30-minute sportscast?

Well, here’s the funny thing. We don’t want you. There. I said it. Hockey doesn’t need you. The sport is just fine without you. Besides, the game you’ve been draw to isn’t really what we’re about anyways. What you watched during the Olympics was glorified pond hockey.

Automatic icing? For pansies. No fighting? No thank you. No commercial breaks? When am I supposed to get another beer?

That’s not how the NHL works. Real American hockey polices itself. If I so much as touch your best player – even if it’s a legal play – or look at him cross-eyed, you’re required to retaliate. You know it and I know it. As soon as I brush past your superstar, you are required by martial law to drop everything, take a run at me and start throwing haymakers. Them’s the rules.

The people who think it’s barbaric and that there’s no place in our culture for mindless violence are the same hypocrites that order UFC pay-per-views every month and have season tickets for their favorite football team. People get carried off on a stretcher a helluva lot more often in the NFL than in hockey, but that’s a sport that can do no wrong. Baseball is a bunch of cheaters, so football has now become the new American past time.

So when a middle linebacker leads with his helmet and ends up a vegetable, well, we look the other way. Football players know the dangers of the sport. If they’re willing to risk paralysis for $30 million guaranteed, then fuck ‘em. That’s what he gets for choosing a big pay day over staying with the team that drafted him. What ever happened to loyalty anyway?

But hockey can’t have fighting because they have sticks and an assortment of other weapons. I mean, didn’t some pyscho named Chris Simon step on someone a few years ago with the blade of his skate? Clearly this sport is cockfighting … well … if cockfighting involved stepping on your opponent with a razor blade. John McCain would shit himself if someone actually televised this stuff.

And besides, hockey is a niche sport. It’s for Canadians and those pretentious pricks who use to love that band you just discovered – right up until you discovered them. It’s impossible to follow on TV (probably because no real network airs it), even though it looks really spectacular in high definition.

And there are too many teams. I mean, Florida is where old people go to die. Not to watch Panthers battle Lightning. Maybe if half the league was comprised of Canadian teams and the other half was made up of American cities that are worthy of professional sports, then we could get all xenophobic and cheer for our country and shit.

But until that day, just pass on hockey. Stick to watching the NFL combine. Because, you know, football isn’t played in pads. It’s played in ‘tighty whities.’ It doesn’t matter if that kid getting paid under the table to attend your favorite college dropped every pivotal pass thrown his way. He can run really, really fast in a straight line with a radar gun pointed at his ass, so the Raiders are definitely going to trade up to steal him in round one. Mel Kiper’s hair just told me, so it’s gotta be true.

Throw in a few insightful comments from Deion Sanders and what more could a sports fan ask for? I mean, not only does he tell you about a player, but Deion tells you how that player reminds him of him. Sure, it starts out as a Darren Sproles highlight, but then ‘Prime Time’ finishes it with a story about the time he picked off Jake Plummer to singlehandedly secure Jerry Jones another victory. That’s what happens when you go against America’s Team.

Hockey’s for losers and fat chicks. And everyone knows they only follow the sport because they can hide in a baggy sweater. Do a sit-up and buy a Kobe jersey.

No one cares about hockey. The best player is a guy named Sidney. Half the hockey fans out there hate him. Probably because he lives in his boss’ basement.

Maybe you used to like that Ovechkin guy because he reminded you of Lawrence Taylor on skates, but then he got too full of himself. Everyone loved his hit on Jaromir Jagr, but what about the one he put on that little girl who was recording him in a Vancouver hotel lobby? Michael Wilbon said she suffered bruised ribs or something. Dude should be thrown in jail like his name is Ben Roethlisberger.

So who needs hockey? Nothing personal, it’s just not America’s thing. You and your Canadian counterparts can enjoy it along with your indie-rock bullshit; America will stick with King James. LeBron has his own black Muppet, so you know he’s the real deal.

Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy.

Brian Murphy

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for the six-annual “Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl” column. So head to Las Vegas and put money on it – this is why your favorite football franchise won’t get it done one this year.

Arizona Cardinals – I don’t care if he bagged groceries for Jesus Christ himself, Kurt Warner will not stay healthy for the entire 2009 season.

Atlanta Falcons – Matt Ryan, Michael Turner and friends snuck up on the league a year ago. You’ve got a better chance of spotting a pair of underwear on one of The Real Housewives of Atlanta than seeing the Falcons surprise the rest of the league a second time.

Baltimore Ravens – Other than The Wire, name something noteworthy to ever come out of Baltimore. And you’re not allowed to say herpes.

Buffalo Bills – The career of Terrell Owens is amazingly easy to break down. All you need is a quality quarterback and T.O., and he’s good for two things – elevating your offense to new heights while simultaneously driving your QB crazy. Buffalo brings an intriguing variable – they don’t have an NFL-caliber quarterback. What happens now?

Carolina Panthers – The last time we saw Jake Delhomme, he completed 22 out of 34 passes he threw. Unfortunately for Carolina, five of those completions were to Arizona defenders. Unfortunately for 2009 Panther fans, Delhomme is still your starting QB.

Chicago Bears – Great idea acquiring Jay Cutler. If only someone in the front office thought to bring in a capable receiver or two to go with him.

Cincinnati Bengals – It can’t be good when Chad Ochocinco has been a better teammate over the last year as a back-up kicker than he ever was as a receiver.

Cleveland Browns – If the Brownies had acquired Mike Vick, folks would have at least tuned in to see what happened the first time he came anywhere near the Dawg Pound.

Dallas Cowboys – Only in Dallas can you build a billion-dollar stadium with an illegal video board.

Denver Broncos – At least Jay Cutler kept things interesting.

Detroit Lions – Detroit Lions, banana peel. Banana peel, Detroit Lions. I know you’ve worked together for years, but I don’t think you’re ever been formally introduced.

Green Bay Packers – Brett Favre.

Houston Texans – Because the good Houston team now plays in Tennessee.

Indianapolis Colts – What has the world come to when Marvin Harrison is waiving a gun around?

Jacksonville Jaguars – Maurice Jones-Drew is a great all-around back, but someone has to give him a breather from time to time. With Fred Taylor (and groin) now in New England, who fills the void?

Kansas City Chiefs – Dear Matt Cassel, Dwayne Bowe and Bobby Engram are not Randy Moss and Wes Welker. But what do you care? You got paid.

Miami Dolphins – Ronnie Brown is fragile. Ricky Williams is high.

Minnesota Vikings – Brett Favre.

New England Patriots – Honestly, what have the Patriots won since they got caught cheating and had to start playing by the same rules as the rest of the league?

New Orleans Saints – Pierre Thomas is New Orleans feature back, and the French aren’t winners.

New York Giants – Eli Manning makes more money than Peyton Manning. Karma alone will keep the Giants from winning it until this egregious foul has been corrected.

New York Jets – Brett Favre.

Oakland Raiders – Because they’re the Raiders.

Philadelphia Eagles – PETA.

Pittsburgh Steelers – Big Ben gets sacked so often, even whores can bring him down.

San Diego Chargers – Last time I checked, Norv Turner was still the head coach. And last time he checked, Turner simply doesn’t win playoff games.

San Francisco 49ers – Wide out Michael Crabtree is holding out because, even though he was picked 10th overall in the NFL draft and Darrius Hayward-Bey was picked seventh, he feels he should make more money than DHB because he was “ranked higher on mock drafts.” Seriously, you can’t make this up.

Seattle Seahawks – Like grunge, Matt Hasselbeck was relevant a decade or so ago.

St. Louis Rams – Chris Long has his father Howie’s ruggedly-handsome looks. So at least he’ll have that going for him when his team is losing by double digits each week.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Luke McCown. Byron Leftwich. Josh Freeman. Josh Johnson. Four roster spots, and not a quarterback in the bunch.

Tennessee Titans – With Albert Haynesworth gone, who will be the man to step up … on a Dallas Cowboys’ face?

Washington Redskins – The downfall of the 2008 Washington Redskins was a substandard offensive line. So naturally, the team spent the offseason adding Albert Haynesworth, Brian Orakpo and DeAngelo Hall to a perennial top 10 defense and largely ignored the offensive line.

Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy. Contact him at murf@homermcfanboy.com.

Brian Murphy

Brett Favre can blow me.

Seriously, I haven’t hated an old person this much since the last time Madonna opened her mouth.

Even though it’s been half a decade since Favre was actually a respectable quarterback, he’s back in the news now because – surprise, surprise – two weeks after he opted to “retire,” he changed his mind and is now a member of the Minnesota Vikings. I will never take issue with someone wanting to earn a living, but that doesn’t mean I want to see it and read about it every fucking time I turn on the television or go to a sports-related website.

Honestly, why in the world do ESPN, Sports Illustrated and any other agency that makes a living off of the world of sports feel the need to keep forcing this asshole on me? I haven’t been this pissed off since FOX decided Paris Hilton should have a TV show.

I mean, this shit is so tiresome that I actually found myself thinking, “Can’t we go back to talking about Michael Vick?” At least that whole story is interesting. No one knows how Vick in Philadelphia is going to play out, so I can understand folks wanting to invest their time and attention. But Favre in Minnesota? Nope. The only thing it’ll do is ensure the Vikings do not win a Super Bowl this year. Of course, before the dickhead in Wranglers showed up, they were content to go into the season with Sage Rosenfels and Tarvaris Jackson, so they already knew they wouldn’t be playing for a championship in 2009.

But for the benefit of anyone who has to encounter a delusional Vikings’ fan who somehow thinks this acquisition suddenly makes Minnesota relevant, well … you’re in for a treat. I’m so tired of Favre, I’d already done my homework. This guy is quite possibly the most overrated player in the NFL today, and I won’t even let someone start a sentence if I think they’re going to use his name in it. For that reason alone, I went ahead and compiled Favre’s statistics over the last four seasons.

From 2005-08, Favre completed 1,414 passes in 2,277 attempts for 15,393 yards, with 88 touchdowns and 84 interceptions.

To help make those numbers easy to digest, here’s what they average out to per season: 353 completions in 569 attempts for 3,848 yards, with 22 touchdowns and 21 interceptions.

His QB rating over the last four years is 79.5, which would have been around the 25th best in the NFL last season. I repeat, he would have been shittier than 24 other quarterbacks last year, and would have been in the neighborhood of Kyle Orton, JaMarcus Russell and Tyler Thigpen. So yeah, Favre’s triumphant arrival in Minnesota will help the Vikings on the field about as much as a Fred Smoot sex cruise. But other than that, they should be great.

Here’s what’s truly disappointing about the entire situation – the Vikings are one legitimate quarterback away from being an elite team.

They have the best running back in the game in Adrian Peterson. They also have one of the nastiest defenses in the NFL. All they’ve been missing is a QB, and sadly, they still don’t have one, even after paying Favre’s base salary of $12 million this season.

Last year, the Vikings were fifth in the NFL in rushing and sixth in defense. Their passing attack ranked 18th. Everyone knew this was the situation, but for some reason, they convinced themselves they could make it work. And then training camp and the preseason rolled around and management was reminded just how pitiful Rosenfels and Jackson are.

If only there was a QB out there who the Vikings could have acquired this past offseason. Oh wait … that’s right. There was. His name is Jay Cutler. He’s a top-tier quarterback who whined his way out of Denver and was traded to the Chicago Bears. He’s only 26 and, unlike Favre, is capable of making people other than John Madden take notice. But why would Minnesota want him? They’re in “win now” mode. No sense in getting a long-term solution to their QB woes. So, at the end of the day, not only did the Vikings fail to get Cutler, they let him go to a division rival. That sounds smart, doesn’t it?

I’d feel sorry for the dumb bastards, but honestly … I’m looking forward to the train wreck. Favre purposely stayed home to avoid training camp and already is on record as saying that even he doesn’t believe his soon-to-be 40-year-old body can hold up for an entire season. None of that mattered to the Vikings though. They had already talked themselves into doing it. So they stepped up to the table, rolled those dice and, sadly, are going to be blown away when they leave Vegas broke and confused. I can’t wait.

Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy. Contact him at murf@homermcfanboy.com.

Brian Murphy

Honestly, when you really think about it, it had to be the Philadelphia Eagles who ended up signing controversial superstar Michael Vick, right?

I mean, they’re a team that typically wins more games than they lose, so Phily’s front office is hoping that a strong enough foundation is in place – starting with head coach Andy Reid – to handle the media circus and public relation distractions that come with acquiring a convicted felon.

And also, there’s a history here. Whether you’re an Eagles fan or not, you have to admit that this is an organization with more than a little bit of ego. When Terrell Owens was on his way out in San Francisco (while simultaneously jumping up and down telling Baltimore he wouldn’t play there), in came the Eagles to save the day.

Eagles’ management believes they can add ultra talented players with baggage, and that the franchise is capable of making it work. Their strategy looked great when T.O. was helping them get to the Super Bowl. Not so much when he was calling out Donavan F. McNabb a year later for puking in the huddle.

So yeah, teams like the Washington Redskins (greedy owner accused of building fantasy football teams), Dallas Cowboys (flamboyant owner who loves to thumb his nose at conventional thinking) and Oakland Raiders (senile old man who thinks he’s trying to get coach John Madden the last few pieces to a dynasty) might have been thrown around as possible destinations, but Philadelphia makes the most sense – well, if we’re talking on-the-field.

Off the field, that’s an entirely different conversation.

Upon hearing the news that Vick had landed in Philadelphia, one person close to me wrote a one liner that simply said:

“Good to know … and it comes as no surprise that the Eagles now hate Santa Claus AND puppies.”

Another friend said this:

“Andy Reid’s kids are in jail all the time, so at least they’ll all have something to talk about.”

You see, for better or for worse, Philly fans have a reputation for being assholes. One that fans in pretty much any other city in the country would say is well deserved. They’re passionate about their local teams – the Eagles, Phillies, Flyers (and sometimes even the 76ers), and they’re passionate about their alcohol consumption.

So, if it’s snowing and they aren’t happy, then it seems perfectly acceptable to the “fine” people of Philly to throw snowballs at a guy playing the part of Santa Claus during a halftime show. And if a rival’s player, such as Michael Irvin, is lying on the ground with what appears to be a serious injury, it’s perfectly okay to cheer about it.

Basically, Philly is known for three things – cheesesteaks, booing anyone and everyone and the jail located in the underbelly of their football stadium.

So here’s what’s going to happen – the first time McNabb throws an incomplete pass, Philly fans will call for a change at quarterback. The first time Vick sees the field, regardless of the circumstances, Eagles fans will cheer wildly. As long as the Eagles are winning, all will be wonderful.

And as an added bonus, if PETA protestors even think about setting up shop anywhere near Lincoln Financial Stadium, Eagles fans will welcome them like they do any other out-of-towners – with a brick through their windshield. (Okay, I’ve got to admit, that last part sounds awesome).

If I’m betting on how this plays out, I’m putting money on the Eagles devising ways to best utilize McNabb and Vick. They’re not going to have one be the starting quarterback and the other be the backup. No, they’ll try to figure out as many ways as possible to get them on the field together in an effort to really make opposing defenses work.

one – if the Redskins, 49ers and Raiders aren’t going to work, then where could/should Vick land?

I say this because McNabb has always been a guy who, while saying the right thing, comes across as overly sensitive. Last November, when Donavan was stinking up the joint against the Baltimore Ravens, he got benched. Nevermind the fact that the benching did exactly what Reid and friends hoped it would – namely light a fire under McNabb’s ass and remind him he’s one of the better QBs in football. No, even after the season was over, he still was asking for an explanation, as if he felt he was too good to ever come off the field. Does this guy sound like the ideal candidate to handle the biggest named quarterback on the free agent market coming to town?

So if the Eagles are smart, they assure Mr. Sensitive that his job is not in jeopardy. They tell him something along the lines of, “We’re trying to get you as many weapons as possible” and hope he’s on board. Because if not, the baggage and distractions that come with bringing Public Enemy #1 to town meshing with the ever-present McNabb drama/inferiority complex could easily blow up their entire season.

If nothing else this move guarantees one thing – the Eagles will be the team to watch whenever they take the field. Either they return to glory, or they become a car wreck we can’t turn away from. However this plays out, it’ll definitely be entertaining.

Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy. Contact him at murf@homermcfanboy.com.

Brian Murphy

Michael Vick was found guilty, served his sentence and should now be free to resume his career as a professional football player … as long as it’s not with my team.

As funny as it sounds, that’s honestly how I feel these days.

If Roger Goodell, the NFL commissioner, wants to suspend him four games or so, that’s fine. But regardless of my personal feelings on the crimes he was found guilty of; Vick has paid his debt to society and deserves the chance to move forward. And yet, even though that’s the way I feel, I simply don’t want him to end up on my favorite team, the Washington Redskins.

For starters, there is going to be a circus-type atmosphere surrounding the former Atlanta Falcons star all season long. Unless you’re the Dallas Cowboys, who seemingly thrive on that type of media frenzy, that’ll be a huge deterrent for many franchises who might otherwise be tempted to kick the tires on Vick.

Then there’s the fact that he hasn’t played football in two years. And let’s be honest here – he’s never been a true drop-back quarterback, which means Vick needs to end up in a system where the coaches are smart enough to find ways to best utilize him. I’m not saying the Redskins coaching staff is dumb, but they don’t necessarily strike me as the kind of guys who go out of their way to re-write the playbook for one or two guys (see: Taylor, Jason).

Plus, there’s the whole issue of Vick calling Virginia home. If he ended up signing with the ‘Skins, you can bet the PETA-types of the world would absolutely show up at Redskins Park, FedEx Field and anywhere else they thought he might appear. It’s almost as if D.C. is too close to the scene of the crime, which is why I can’t help but think it’d be good for everyone involved if Vick started the next chapter of his life a little further removed from all of the raw emotions.

So where does Vick end up? Honestly, it’s tough to say. Sure, the Oakland Raiders are calling him in hopes he’ll don the silver and black, but they’re so terrible he’d be better off going almost anywhere else.

Some suggest San Francisco, with a strong-minded leader like Mike Singletary, would be a good fit, but I’m not sure that’s a good idea. Regardless of the mindset of the 49ers, San Fran is a very liberal place with very liberal people. A couple years ago, the wife and I spent Christmas out there with her family and I quickly realized just how different people are out there.

You see, on Christmas day, one of the first news stories on the local news channel was about someone calling herself “Dumpster Muffin.” Seriously, that’s what the bottom of the screen said when they interviewed her. You can’t make this shit up. And she was on TV because she had climbed up in some tree in hopes of convincing “The Man” not to remove said tree to build … whatever.

If the “Dumpster Muffins” of the world go off the deep end for a freaking tree, what will their reaction be if/when someone tied to dog fighting becomes the newest millionaire in town?

So even if the 49ers really think they should roll the dice and bring in Vick, they might have to re-evaluate the situation and how it would affect things off the field. Which brings us back to square one – if the Redskins, 49ers and Raiders aren’t going to work, then where could/should Vick land?

Honestly, I think the Minnesota Vikings would be the ideal team for the man formerly known as Ron Mexico. Their quarterback situation was ugly enough that they tried to land Brett Favre, so why not roll the dice on Vick? If nothing else, he’s better than Sage Rosenfels and Tavaris Jackson. It makes absolutely no sense that a team with one of the top-players in the league at any position (running back Adrian Peterson), a team that has stout offensive and defensive lines and could otherwise compete with the league’s elite, would continually ignore the QB position.

Why not sign Vick to a veteran’s minimum contract with incentives? If he works out, you’re in great shape. If not, you cut him and move on.

Plus, if PETA wants to protest, they have to go all the way up to Moose Knuckle, Minnesota and freeze their nuts off to picket the move. The more I think of this, the more I’m convinced this needs to happen.

Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy. Contact him at murf@homermcfanboy.com.

Brian Murphy

Typically this is the most boring part of the sports world’s calendar year. There’s no football to speak of, hockey and basketball are also in offseason mode and baseball still has another month or so before the games really matter. And yet, the sports pages are absolutely packed with content these days.

For starters there was Tiger Woods winning his own tournament in D.C. last week and Andy Roddick showing more in defeat at Wimbledon than in any victory throughout his career. There’s also free agency for the NBA and NHL, which has been entertaining in a fantasy football kind of way.

You’ve got the New York Rangers doing what they do best – namely overpaying for a player whose best days came while wearing another uniform (this year’s honors go to forward Marian Gaborik, who will earn $7.5 million a year for the next five seasons). What’s even funnier is that the Rangers were only able to acquire Gaborik after trading away Scott Gomez to Montreal, who was the happily overpaid guy just two seasons ago. No need in learning from the past, right?

In other Marian news, the Chicago Blackhawks broke the bank to add forward Marian Hossa to their young and talented roster. The 30-year-old forward, who is best known as the guy who has been on the losing side of the last two Stanley Cup finals (once with Pittsburgh and once with Detroit), signed a staggering 12-year deal worth more than $5 million per season. I guess the Blackhawks are serious about winning their first championship since 1961 – even if it means locking up a guy until he’s 42 years old.

And while those signings have been enjoyable, they’re nothing compared to what’s going on in the NBA. Shaq is now in Cleveland. Vince Carter is in Orlando. Rasheed Wallace (and his baskets of crazy) now resides in Boston. Ben Gordon and Charlie Villanueva were lured to Detroit. Richard Jefferson and Antonio McDyess can now call San Antonio home. Trevor Ariza and Ron Artest swapped places in Los Angeles and Houston. Shawn Marion is headed to Dallas. Things are so wacky in the world of professional basketball that Allen Iverson is actually talking about playing for the woeful Memphis Grizzlies next season.

So basically, the newest NBA trend is the rich get richer.

The Cleveland Cavaliers, led by LeBron James and spare parts, were already among the league’s elite. Now they’ve brought in a highly motivated Shaquille O’Neal, who will happily play sidekick for the first time in his life in hopes of winning a fifth NBA ring before calling it quits.

In Boston, the Celtics will make one final run at another championship by adding ‘Sheed to the talented trio of Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen and Paul Pierce. Sure, Wallace is a headcase. But honestly, there’s not another player in the league he respects more than Garnett, and when his head is in the game, Wallace is still a difference maker.

Having four go-to guys on the floor at once will make it tough for most teams to compete with Boston. One team that can match up nicely though is San Antonio, who added Jefferson and McDyess to go with the already-proven rotation of Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobili and Tony Parker. If the Celtics and Spurs remain healthy (and that’s not guaranteed, by any means), they’ll probably square off in the finals next season.

Meanwhile, the two teams who did battle in this season’s finals – the Lakers and Magic – have seen changes as well. Kobe Bryant will now have to adjust to Artest as opposed to Ariza, who was absolutely instrumental in seeing L.A. return to glory. Whether or not Artest is an actual upgrade is yet to be seen. Same goes for Carter with Orlando, who will be asked to replace Hedo Turkoglu (even though they have completely different skill sets). No one said either team improved – that remains to be seen – but at least they’ll be entertaining.

And finally, there’s this whole Steve McNair mess. I’m going to stay away from it for the most part, because really, that’s not my type of story. I’m not going to judge the man for cheating on his wife or the decisions he made. That was his choice and it doesn’t have anything to do with you, me or anyone outside of the McNair family.

But if nothing else, here’s hoping that this strikes home with today’s generation of millionaire athletes/entertainers/etc. – regardless of your marital status, running around and getting caught up with girls half your age (i.e. – those who are too young and immature to know better) is a recipe for disaster. While there’s plenty of juicy stuff to dissect in the sports pages these days, that’s the kind of news I’d gladly leave to other sections of the newspaper.

Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy. Contact him at murf@homermcfanboy.com.

Brian Murphy

Hello everyone and welcome to our third-annual Note to Self awards. For those not familiar, this is our way of highlighting the newsworthy in the world of professional sports. So without further adieu, let’s hand out some Selfies.

The “What, Ed McMahon wasn’t available?” award goes to the Cleveland Cavaliers for repeatedly pairing forward LeBron James with over-the-hill veterans during his six-year career.

For those who haven’t heard, the Cavs have acquired Hall of Fame center Shaquille O’Neal in exchange for the corps of Ben Wallace, Sasha Pavlovic, the 46th pick in tonight’s NBA draft and half a million dollars.

Pairing Shaq with King James is a great idea … if this is 2004. But bringing in a 37-year-old Shaq to try and help a good Cleveland team reach championship level is nothing more than a pipe dream. James is 24. If you want him to be happy and feel like Cleveland is the only city he ever wants to play for, then maybe – just maybe – the plan should have been to surround him with other young, talented players who can grow into a true team together.

After 17 seasons, the Shaq we see now is a shell of his former self. Sure, he was an all-star last season for the Phoenix Suns and the Eastern Conference isn’t as good as the West, but O’Neal isn’t a guy who can’t bring his “A game” every night anymore. He has to pick and choose which games he’s going to go all out for and on other nights … he’s a waste of a roster spot.

The Cavs are gambling that this desperation move pays off and that O’Neal is the missing piece to bring James his first NBA title. Sadly, the more likely scenario is that after this move fails miserably LeBron will fully realize that Cavs management is never going to figure out the right way to build a championship-caliber team and start house hunting in other cities.

While we’re on the subject of the NBA, let’s hand out the “Kramer from Seinfeld“ award to Los Angeles Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant.

Okay, let me see if I get this straight. Pretty much since day one Bryant has been a moody diva/terrible teammate. He won a few NBA titles with Shaq Fu early on, but once the big man was traded out of L.A., Kobe had been unable to recapture basketball’s holy grail.

Bryant reaches his low point after a 2003 trip to Eagle, Colorado, and words like “rape” and “sexual assault” are suddenly attached to the supposedly happily married superstar. Endorsements are terminated, public opinion is at an all-time low and there are even rumors that maybe everyone involved would be better off if Kobe was traded by the Lakers and given a fresh start elsewhere.

Fast forward to this year and the Lakers, led by Bryant and a solid supporting cast, are able to win another championship. Kobe finally wins a title without O’Neal and suddenly the world loses its damn mind. Stories about Bryant suddenly being a great person and even better teammate make the rounds in what can only be considered revisionist history and even more absurd – some folks begin comparing Bryant to the great Michael Jordan.

Look, Kobe was great when paired with Shaq. Just like Michael Richards was great playing “Kramer” on Seinfeld. Bryant faced adversity when he (allegedly) did things to a 19-year-old hotel employee that she wasn’t “comfortable” with. Richards’ life became more difficult when he decided racial slurs were the answer to combat hecklers. Bryant leading the Lakers past an in-over-their-head Orlando Magic team doesn’t suddenly make him the second coming of M.J. or even a good teammate. It simply means that during that series, he was on the hotter and better team.

Using this logic, am I to believe that if Terrell Owens led the Buffalo Bills to a Super Bowl victory this year he’s suddenly a changed man? Nevermind his extensive resume and history of ridiculousness, if T.O. gets a ring he’s suddenly a classy, and driven winner? Nonsense. Assholes can be winners too.

The “Hey Madonna, no one cares about you anymore. Please just go away” award goes to the soon-to-be Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre. She can adopt/steal 500 kids from third-world countries and no one will like her. Favre can toss the football around with every high school kid in America and no one will be happy to read another story about him. In a perfect world these two could run off together (with the paparazzi and Peter King) to anywhere far, far away from here.

The “Peer pressure isn’t always a bad thing” award goes to baseball commissioner Bud Selig in hopes that he follows Donald Fehr’s lead and heads off to enjoy retirement. Fehr, who for more than 20 years served as the executive director of baseball’s players association, represents a black eye for our national pastime – with steroids, skyrocketing salaries and a canceled World Series on his resume.

Well, the guy sitting on the other side of the table during all of those travesties was Selig. And if baseball is ever truly going to get past the Steroid Era, then Bud needs to move on to the next chapter of his life as well. Baseball needs their Roger Goodell, someone who can change the culture overnight and whip that league back into shape.

And finally, the “Stick to your day job” award goes to baseball/football announcer Joe Buck, for thinking it was a good idea to have his own talk show on HBO. It wasn’t.

Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy. Contact him at murf@homermcfanboy.com.

Brian Murphy

The USFL. The XFL. The WHA. The ABA. The WNBA.

What do each of these leagues have in common? For one reason or another, they each failed in their attempts to provide an alternative to one of the “Big Four” professional sports leagues.

And while the United Football League isn’t scheduled to begin play until this October, we can go ahead and add them to the list as well. For starters, the league will have only six teams – located in Las Vegas, New York, Orlando, San Francisco, Hartford and Los Angeles. So far, they have announced four head coaches to run these teams. They are Jim Fassel, Ted Cottrell, Jim Haslett and Dennis Green.

Fassel hasn’t been a head coach since 2003. And while he won more games than he lost in the NFL, he’s been unable to get another head coaching gig because of a reputation of womanizing and boozing (two characteristics that go well together in many professions, just not coaching).

Cottrell is a 62-year-old who has coached since 1973. Unfortunately, he’s never been given the opportunity to be a head coach. And unfortunately for him his first (and likely only) chance will come in a league that’s irrelevant.

Haslett won 10 games his rookie year in charge of the New Orleans Saints. He never won double digit games in a season again. His last two years coaching in the NFL (with New Orleans and then St. Louis) he went 5-23.

Green is who we thought he was. And by hiring him, the UFL let him off the hook.

So if you’re a masochist or a fan of shitty football and plan on tuning in to the UFL this fall, please cheer for the New York franchise. At least they gave an opportunity to a deserving candidate.

Honestly, if the UFL wanted to build itself as a viable alternative to the mighty juggernaut that is the NFL, they’d be wise to do their research and model their business plan after the Kontinental Hockey League. Formerly known as the Russian Superleague, the 24-team KHL is quietly becoming a league worth following.

Here’s a crash course on the KHL – 21 of the teams are based in the Russian Federation with the remaining franchises located in Belarus, Latvia, and Kazakhstan. Russian teams are not allowed to sign more than five foreign players and can only use four foreign players per game. Also, foreign goaltenders have a limit regarding total seasonal ice time. All of this encourages teams to build locally, which is always a good thing.

But when teams do go outside the Russian borders to find talent, they’re aiming high. In 2008, when Jaromir Jagr became a free agent for the first time in his career, he opted to sign with Avangard Omsk of the KHL for a reported $10 million a year (tax free). Sure Jagr is now 37 years old and isn’t the same player he was when he and Mario Lemieux led the Pittsburgh Penguins, but he’s still one of the biggest names in hockey. Getting him to play in your league provides instant credibility.

Alexei Yashin, Andrei Nikolishin, Darius Kasparaitis, Ben Clymer and Ray Emery are a few other names from NHL seasons past who spent last season in the KHL. We’re not talking about stealing away someone like Alex Ovechkin or Evgeni Malkin in their prime, but rather cashing in on name players on the down side of their career to make your league noteworthy.

And honestly, if I’m the NHL, I’m definitely noticing the KHL. If they ever get to the point where they can steal away a top-tier player in his prime, that’s when you worry. But for now, when they’re content to raid players typically 35 or older, then let them have at it.

For a team like the New York Rangers, who continually overpays for free agents, the KHL could be a blessing in disguise. When your payroll is maxed out and you’re stuck paying some over-the-hill forward five or six million a year, then you should pray at night the KHL gets involved and bails you out.

While the Washington Capitals are run by much smarter people than the Rangers, this offseason has been packed with stories involving their aging free agents contemplating playing in Russia. Since the season ended for the Caps, Sergei Fedorov, Viktor Kozlov, Donald Brashear and now Michael Nylander have all been linked to the KHL. While the first three are all free agents, who are able to make the move if they see fit, Nylander remains under contract.

Anyone who watched Washington last season knows the team would love to move him, but that Nylander has a no-movement clause in his contract. So the second highest-paid forward on the roster (behind Ovechkin, but ahead of talented youngsters such as Nicklas Backstrom and Alexander Semin) was essentially paid to ride the pine the second half of the season and the playoffs.

Even though he has two years remaining on his NHL contract, it would be best for everyone involved if the Capitals and Avangard Omsk could work something out. Nylander can try to get his groove back playing alongside Jagr one more time and the Caps can have financial flexibility to set them up for sustained success.

Sure, the KHL is trying to become legitimate competition for the NHL, but those running NHL franchises would be wise to use the situation to their advantage. The way I see it, if you’ve got an over-the-hill player rotting away on your payroll, the KHL would love to have him. Think of it in terms of a yard sale. You get rid of your garbage and pick up a couple dollars in the process. Things might change down the road, but for now, this is a good thing.

Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy. Contact him at murf@homermcfanboy.com.