Note to Self – Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl 2006

August 17, 2006 Note to Self, Why your team won't win No Comments

By Brian Murphy

We’re well into the preseason, so you know what that means – it’s time for the third annual “Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl” column. So kick off your shoes and relax your feet as you dig in to see why (insert name of your favorite football franchise) won’t win the big one this year.

Arizona Cardinals – Brenda Warner.

Atlanta Falcons – There is no cure to stop Michael Vick, but you can suppress him in hopes of preventing an outbreak. And actually, the same can be said on the field too. Meanwhile, the powers that be in Atlanta are trying to get Vick more protection … which also applies on the field.

Baltimore Ravens – Steve McNair is not like a bottle of fine wine that gets better with age. He’s old and injury prone. And that means the city of “Bawlmer, hun” is only one hit away from the return of Kyle “Pro” Boller. Remind a Ravens fan of that and watch them throw up in their mouth – it’s fun for all ages.

Buffalo Bills – In January the Bills brought back former head coach Marv Levy to be the general manager and vice president of football operations. It’s a sad state of affairs when you reach out to an 80-year-old who is best known for consistently losing big games. What, was Bill Buckner unavailable?

Carolina Panthers – Wouldn’t it be more cost effective if instead of using seven different running backs every year the team just took the healthy parts of everyone in the rotation and made one durable, every down running back? And by cost effective, I mean awesome.

Chicago Bears – Making fun of their slew of subpar quarterbacks is too easy, so instead we’ll point out that the Bears were the only team in 2005 to have two offensive linemen investigated by the FBI after battling each other in a drunken fistfight at a shooting range. But in honor of their QBs, none of the punches connected. (Sorry, couldn’t help it).

Cincinnati Bengals – This has to be the worst off-season of any team in recent memory. Half their roster has been arrested within the last year – not exactly the offseason Marvin Lewis envisioned. If that’s not enough, the QB (Carson Palmer) is coming off of a major knee injury, the top WR (Chad Johnson) tried to choke one of his coaches last season and their RB (Rudi Johnson) is named after a kid on the Cosby show.

Cleveland Browns – I don’t care how much of a “soldier” tight end Kellen Winslow thinks he is, the bottom line is the defensive player drafted one spot away from him, Redskins safety Sean Taylor, has more career touchdowns (two) than Winslow (zero). That’s gotta hurt. Well … not as bad as a motorcycle crash, but it still hurts.

Dallas Cowboys – What does it say about your team when you bring in wide receiver Terrell Owens and he’s not even the biggest asshole added to your roster? That honor goes to the liquored-up kicker, Mike Vanderjagt. My only hope is that the Tuna snaps after dealing with all of these malcontents and scraps the entire playbook in favor of more “Jap plays.” No offense.

Denver Broncos – Because Jake Plummer hasn’t been the same since he stopped being a caddy for Happy Gilmore, the Broncos drafted Jay Cutler. Fans shouldn’t get too excited though, during Cutler’s four-year career his Vanderbilt Commodores managing only an 11-35 record.

Detroit Lions – Detroit disappointed fans of the other 31 teams when, for the first time in two decades, the Lions didn’t use their first-round draft choice on a wide receiver. But the team ruined the noteworthy occasion by passing over the chance to draft a quarterback who may actually be capable of getting the ball to any of those receivers.

Green Bay Packers – Retired quarterback Brett Favre never would have let the Packers get this shitty. Wait … he’s still there? Wow. Talk about awkward …

Houston Texans – Losing builds character. So I guess that means quarterback David Carr is one helluva great guy … who still doesn’t have an offensive line.

Indianapolis Colts – The closest to clutch Peyton Manning will ever get with a game on the line is when a television network shows one of his hilarious MasterCard commercials during the fourth quarter. “Can you sign this loaf of bread for my brother?”

Jacksonville Jaguars – Sure, the Jags went 12-4 last year. But this year the league is actually making them play NFL teams instead of a college schedule. That thought alone made Fred Taylor’s groin give up.

Kansas City Chiefs – After having such success with converted basketballers TE Tony Gonzales and RB Larry “Grandmama” Johnson, the Chiefs are planning to sign Shaq, Tree Rollins, Gheorghe Muresan, Shawn Bradley and Manute Bol to shore up their defense.

Miami Dolphins – LB Zach Thomas and DE Jason Taylor may be the best of friends, but when your best buddy and your sister get a divorce it doesn’t really build camaraderie. Now, if only Ricky Williams could somehow become involved in the soap opera maybe everyone could mellow out. If this keeps up DT Manuel Wright may very well break down and cry at practice. Again.

Minnesota Vikings – Last year the Vikings got off to a terrible start (2-5), and then used a sex cruise to salvage their season at 8-8. While CB Fred “Cover 2″ Smoot would suggest otherwise, that’s not really an “every year” kind of option.

New England Patriots – Tom Brady has the looks and gets all the attention, but kicker Adam Vinatieri is the most clutch player at his position in the modern era. Who thought replacing him with one of the “Dancin’ Gramaticas” was a good idea?

New Orleans Saints – While they both blew, Hurricane Katrina shifted attention away from Aaron Brooks’ typical poor play last season. With both out of the picture, Saints fans will have to come up with a new excuse for their shitty team. Can you say tsunami?

New York Giants – Claiming precedence, the New York Giants filed suit against the NFL last week demanding that the league a) give them nine home games again this year and 2) put the New Orleans Saints back on their schedule. They know otherwise they need to rely on a poor man’s Peyton Manning to get them to the playoffs and choke.

New York Jets – With LaMont Jordan at running back and Santana Moss at wide receiver this offense is set for the next decade – regardless of who plays at quarterback. What’s that? Uh … my bad.

Oakland Raiders – Oh, come on. Even Raider fans know they’re not doing anything this year. Why waste a perfectly good punchline on this joke of a team?

Philadelphia Eagles – Sure T.O. was an asshole, but without him all Donovan McNabb has to work with is an injury-prone running back and a bunch of third-rate stiffs at receiver. At least his attention-whore mom will be there to make him feel better with a nice bowl of soup for him to spew in the huddle.

Pittsburgh Steelers – Vowing to keep up his off-season conditioning plan, part-time quarterback and full-time moron Ben Roethlisberger has petitioned the league to let him play this season without a helmet. It’s enough to make the team look back lovingly to simpler days when their biggest problem (literally) was an oversized Bus.

San Diego Chargers – I’ll never see the logic in trading away a proven Pro Bowl-caliber player (QB Drew Brees) in order to give his job to an unproven benchwarmer (QB Phillip Rivers) who the team hopes will some day be as good as the guy they just let go. How is that smart?

San Francisco 49ers – Who are we kidding? Even head coach Mike “Don’t call me vanilla” Nolan knows he’s in over his head and his team blows. But fortunately for Nolan, he’s in the one city in America that embraces dudes blowing. Bong!

Seattle Seahawks – Madden cover jinx. Nuff’ said.

St. Louis Rams – With RB Marshall Faulk having shot his load, the Rams are going to have to rely on RB Madison Hedgecock to get the big score. Well, they’ve also been grooming young stud RB Steven Jackson, but seriously, its way more fun to say their season rides on the back of a Hedgecock.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Last year Tampa Bay basically got into the playoffs because RB Mike Alstott was given a freebie on a two-point conversion by the horrible NFL officials. It was the worst blown call of the year … until they blew the same exactly call in the Super Bowl with QB Ben Roethlisberger. Karma already took care of Big Ben – next up, Chucky and friends.

Tennessee Titans – Titans not good. (You say anything more sophisticated than that and it’ll fly right over Vince Young’s head).

Washington Redskins – With head coach Joe Gibbs, as well as Joe Bugel, Don Breaux, Greg Blache and Mark Brunell the Redskins lead the league in senior citizens. The team should be in decent shape – as long no one falls and breaks a hip and the league doesn’t schedule too many night games.

Brian Murphy is the 2005 Defense Department’s sportswriter of the year. And he still doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about. Contact him at murf@the5holes.com.

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Note to Self – Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl 2005

September 13, 2005 Note to Self, Why your team won't win No Comments

By Brian Murphy

Arizona Cardinals – Brenda Warner.

Atlanta Falcons – Until Mexico’s own Mike Vick can consistently complete a pass downfield, defenses will be all over him faster than a mutant strain of herpes.

Baltimore Ravens – Let’s recap – it’s okay when former NFL players like Michael Irvin and Bill Romanowski go to prison to remake the film The Longest Yard. It’s not okay when your star running back, Jamal Lewis, serves a four-month prison term on a federal drug conviction.

Buffalo Bills – Talk about setting the bar low – during their “glory days” the best this team could do was consistently lose Super Bowls. Their fans can’t even hope for that, as long as their relying on a nobody quarterback named J.P. Losman.

Carolina Panthers – Two years ago the Panthers organization realized that no one would take them serious as long as they continue to wear light blue uniforms. So they decided to do something about it. Unfortunately, it involved several players (including a punter) using steroids. Seriously, why would a punter go on the juice?!?

Chicago Bears – Last year, nice guys Craig Krenzel (with his degree in Molecular Genetics) and Jonathan Quinn (Medicine Woman) “ran” Lovie Smith’s offense. With Rex Grossman out for several months, look for the Bears to improve on last year’s horrible quarterback situation by not having one and simply using 10 players on offense.

Cincinnati Bengals – Marvin Lewis was called a genius as a defensive coordinator in the NFL. So what’s happened since he became a head coach? The Bengals have ranked 25th (in 2003) and 26th (in 2004) against the run. Who moved his cheese?

Cleveland Browns – When one of your biggest offseason additions is 33-year-old Trent Dilfer, you know it’s going to be a while before the Dawg Pound has something to drool over. And I didn’t even mention Kellen Winslow’s motorcycle. At least they have a competent head coach now in Romeo Crennel.

Dallas Cowboys – Let’s go back in time to 1998 – QB Drew Bledsoe is a premiere passer and WR Me-Shawn Johnson is a top-tier wide out. Hell, owner Jerry Jones still looked like a normal human being. Too bad that was seven years ago. I wonder if they have any more of those Jap plays left … no offense.

Denver Broncos – Call it addition by subtraction, now that Jerry Rice and Maurice Clarett out of the picture. The Broncos would be good to go, if Jake Plummer would stick to throwing passes with only one hand.

Detroit Lions – Matt Millen has drafted a wide receiver with the Lions first round pick three years in a row (the delicate Charles Rogers, Roy Williams and Mike Williams). Is he convinced the rest of his team is flawless? Does he think he’s running a fantasy football team? We need answers.

Green Bay Packers – With RB Ahman Green having a down year, the Packers turned to icon Brett Favre and WR Javon Walker to put points on the board. So naturally those two have bickered all offseason about Walker’s desire for a new contract.

Houston Texans – Note to the Texans: if you want to be considered a legitimate playoff contender, you’re going to have to get rid of QB Tony Banks. Oh … and learn to play defense.

Indianapolis Colts – If head coach Tony Dungy is creative enough to come up with a reason why it’s “acceptable” for Randy Moss to wipe his ass on the goalpost after a touchdown, why can’t he use that same creativity to find a way to beat New England?

Jacksonville Jaguars – The only way to get Jacksonville involved in a Super Bowl was to make it the host city and invite two other teams to come play there. The locals didn’t seem to mind though – for once an NFL game in Jacksonville wasn’t subject to a black out. At least Fragile Fred Taylor was kind enough to start the season with his annual injury … no sense waiting on that one.

Kansas City Chiefs – With Priest Holmes sidelined last year, the only noteworthy highlight was when head coach Dick Vermeil told young RB Larry Johnson to “take off his diaper.” You know things are bad when a 68-year-old cry baby says you’re the one in Pampers.

Miami Dolphins – In one of the team’s first practices of their 2005 training camp, head coach Nick Saban made rookie Manuel Wright cry after he showed up in the wrong uniform. Hopefully with the enigmatic Ricky Williams back, he can give Saban some sort of substance to mellow him out a bit.

Minnesota Vikings – Onterrio Smith. Whizzinator. Sometimes these things just write themselves.

New England Patriots – It’s been an unusually tough offseason for master motivator Bill Belichick. Team leader Teddy Bruschi will miss the season after having a stroke. Offensive Coordinator Charlie Weis and Defensive Coordinator Romeo Crennel have both moved on. Hell, even Belichick’s wife left him. So forgive the Pats if they have a down year.

New Orleans Saints – Everyone knows quarterback Aaron Brooks looks like comedian Martin Lawrence. But with Brooks having such an off year, do you think that there was some sort of secret swap-out going on (like in the movie Dave) and that it was actually Lawrence who suited up last year? That sure would explain a lot.

New York Giants – Heading into training camp, you had Eli Manning, who is the Frank Stallone of the Manning family, as the starting quarterback. Behind him was Jesse Palmer (a.k.a. – The Bachelor) and Tim Hasselbeck (whose wife was on Survivor). Sadly, they have a better chance of landing their own reality TV show than a playoff spot.

New York Jets – When Laveraneus Coles left for a big pay day in Washington two years ago, the Jets said “he was good, but he wasn’t that good. We won’t miss him.” Now he’s back and Santana Moss is gone and damn if the Jets didn’t say the same thing about Moss and pretend nothing ever happened with Coles.

Oakland Raiders – The most unstable owner, Al Davis, and the most unstable fans, the Raider Nation, now have the league’s most unstable wide out, Randy Moss. What happens when he takes a few plays off or leaves the field early? Find out this season on CSI: Oakland.

Philadelphia Eagles – How’s that Terrell Owens working out for you these days? At this point, Donovan McNabb would rather have a receiver who is afraid to go across the middle (see: Pinkston, Todd) than T.O. What a difference a year makes. At least we have another season of Donovan’s mom selling soup to look forward to.

Pittsburgh Steelers – Is Duce Staley collecting a salary from the Steelers or directly from his health care provider? With Staley heading into the NFL season already injured, the Steelers will have to pray Jerome Bettis’ 33-year-old body can hold up and that QB Ben Roethlisberger doesn’t hit the sophomore slump.

San Diego Chargers – Drew Brees, LaDainian Tomlinson and Antonio Gates were the feel good story of the year last season. But there’s a reason that Hollywood never made a Rudy 2 – underdogs don’t get to sneak up on the world twice.

San Francisco 49ers – Things have gotten so bad for this once-proud franchise that they’ve given up on professional football and moved into the movie making business. Unfortunately, their debut film – which featured racial jokes, lesbian porn and a trio of buxom, topless blondes frolicking with team public relations director Kirk Reynolds – opened to mixed reviews.

Seattle Seahawks – Their best player, running back Shaun Alexander, closed out the season one yard shy of the NFL rushing title. He then accused head coach Mike Holmgren of sabotaging him in his quest to lead the league in rushing and then moved on to a bitter contract dispute in which the team tried to give him away for a third-round pick. Should make for a lovely season, huh?

St. Louis Rams – Looks like the “Greatest Show on Turf” should plan for a season of reruns – it would be less painful than watching their current defense try to stop anyone.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Since they won the Super Bowl three seasons ago, the Buccaneers have gone 12-20 and signed every “hasbeen” and “never was” available in free agency. I guess the honeymoon is over for the people of Tampa Bay and Coach Chucky.

Tennessee Titans – The only way Steve McNair is making it through a season un-injured is if we pull a Robocop and turn him into half man, half-machine. Come to think about it – this would actually give people a reason to tune into Titans game this year. Let’s make this happen.

Washington Redskins – After failing to generate any offense at all last season, the Redskins vowed to do anything necessary to turn things around. The team then brought in new receivers and talked about installing the shotgun to help put points on the board. Everything looked great … until safety Sean Taylor grabbed that shotgun and pointed it at neighbors down in Florida.

Brian Murphy enjoys long walks on the bench – and watching the Eagles lose. Contact him at: murf@the5holes.com

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