The magic box

This is always a really tough time of year for me. I said at the beginning of The Sopranos season that it was like running into an old girlfriend that you haven't seen for a very long time. Before long, The Sopranos and I were back together, spending every Sunday night together in my room. But now, here we are at the end of May and The Sopranos is about to leave me again. One more fling, then it's out of my life until next year.

I'm really going to miss the show. I'm going to miss it all - Meadow's attempts to look sexier each week now that she's divorced in real life, Christopher's complete and utter worthlessness, Tony's mouth-breathing and constant eating, even Carmella's gradual transformation into Skeletor. It's just so hard to say goodbye.

And it's not just The Sopranos either. My new love, Lost, is leaving me too. And it's leaving me with so many questions. Are Locke and Echo okay? Why do The Others want Kate, Sawyer and Jack? What happens now that the button has been destroyed? Who will get busted for drunk driving and then killed off the show next season? And what new ways will ABC find to piss me off?

Then there's 24. I caught up on all of the previous seasons by watching the DVDs, then I watched this season as it aired. This is a great show, too. While it may lack some of the sophistication that The Sopranos and Lost have, it makes up for it with nonstop action. Plus, Jack Bauer is a bad man. It's a role Kiefer Sutherland was born to play (even if he's apparently only like 4'8"). It hurts me to know that I'll have to wait months to find out what happens to Jack now that the Chinese government has him.

There are other shows I got hooked on too. The Unit (which features Dennis Haysbert, now that President David Palmer has been killed off on 24) and Big Love have both been fun distractions, keeping me entertained throughout the season. But they are also leaving me.

As you can probably tell, I'm a bit of a TV junkie. I love my magic box almost as much as I love Internet porn (TV does have Cinemax, after all). So now that all of these shows are on hiatus, I think I'm starting to go through withdrawal.

What am I supposed to do now? Am I supposed to go outside? Have you been out there? It's already unbearably hot here on the East Coast and it's still only springtime. I'm starting to think there might actually be something to this whole Global Warming thing. Besides, the outside has bugs and dirt and stuff. Why would I want to deal with any of that when I can stay inside with my air conditioning and cold drinks? Besides, I'm Irish, so I have pale skin that burns easily.

I suppose I could see more movies. But since Hollywood ran out of ideas years ago and just keeps making the same movies over and over again, it feels a bit like Hollywood is also in reruns right now. With their new trend of turning television shows into movies, maybe they could just start doing films based on the TV shows that are on hiatus. That way, when the next season of 24 ends, I'll have the movie to help tide me over during the summer. (Wait, 24 is set in real time. They could never do a movie version of it. It would never work and they'd be stupid to try it. Oh, never mind ...).

I don't know what I'm going to do. But I do know that there is one show on television that never abandons me. There is one show that produces new episodes week after week and never goes on hiatus ... and that's Monday Night Raw. While The Sopranos is the old flame that just keeps coming in and out of my life sporadically, Monday Night Raw is the friend-with-benefits that is always there whenever I need a booty call (okay, I think this metaphor is starting to get a little creepy).

Plus, the WWF is nice enough to bring back ECW, which will start airing new episodes over the summer on the Sci Fi Network. Thanks to Vince McMahon, I might not have to leave my house for quite some time.

Random thought of the week:
Paul Gleason, the guy who played Principal Vernon in The Breakfast Club, died of lung cancer on Saturday. I always thought he was one of the better evil movie principals and he got to freak out and give this awesome speech: "That's the last time, Bender. That the last time you ever make me look bad in front of those kids, you hear me? I make $31,000 a year and I have a home and I'm not throwing it all away on some punk like you. But someday when you're outta here and forgotten about this place and they forgotten about you, and you're wrapped up in your own pathetic life, I'm gonna be there. That's right. And I'm gonna kick the living shit out of you. I'm gonna knock your dick in the dirt."

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He also has some really hot friends. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.