Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto


By Joel Murphy

In the past, I've made no secret of my hatred for robots. As Terminator, The Matrix, Short Circuit and countless other movies have shown us, someday robots will become too powerful for us to control and they will enslave all mankind.

I've often wondered how the robot revolution will play out. I thought perhaps one of those Roomba vacuums would go berserk and attack its owner's foot. Or maybe a Robosapien would amble its way into the kitchen and would reach for the closest steak knife. But now I can see doomsday more clearly. Now I know what the robots will use as their weapon of destruction against all mankind - a 50-foot tall, laser-beam shooting Michael Jackson.

That's right, as a way to promote his concert in Las Vegas, Michael Jackson is asking for a 50-foot tall replica of himself that would shoot laser beams. Passengers arriving at McCarran International Airport would be able to see the giant "Jacko" when they landed.

I don't know about you, but the thought of a gigantic Michael Jackson terrorizing Las Vegas is enough to keep me up at night. What happens in Vegas supposedly stays in Vegas, but will his killing spree be limited to the Nevada desert? Or will "RoboJacko" roam the country using his laser beams of fury to attack all those who've laughed at him over the years?

We can't let this monstrosity be built simply put, this would be much too powerful for us to stop. I picture RoboJacko taking down tanks and jets, then moonwalking to the next town, leaving a path of destruction in his wake. Then I envision the robot Jackson grabbing Macaulay Culkin and climbing to the top of the Empire State Building ... okay, even I admit, that last part might be going a bit too far.

In the movies, there's always a John Connor or Neo to rage against the machines, but Arnold Schwarzenegger and Robert Patrick aren't nearly as terrifying as Michael Jackson. I mean, our federal government was unable to stop a normal-sized Michael Jackson when they had him on trial. What hope would they have against a gigantic metallic version with freakin' laser beams? I don't think anyone could stop him. As anyone who has ever read the manuscript for my James Frye-esque memoirs, I was once able to take down an entire robot biker gang and their pet dinosaur, but somehow I fear even I would be helpless against a 50-foot tall former pop icon.

The robots are smart to go after Vegas first. If they built RoboJacko in Utah or Vermont, he would stand out. But in Vegas, a city with pirate ships and pyramids, the idea of a 50-foot tall robot hardly seems out of the ordinary. They were also smart to recruit Jackson. Like the Persians wooing the deformed hunchback who had been rejected by the Spartan military in the movie 300, the robots found someone outcast by his people (in Jackson's case, the entire human race) and convinced him to work for the dark side.

It's the perfect time for them to strike to because the rest of you don't expect it. Most of you are probably laughing at this column, thinking it's a comedy piece. But it's not, this is completely serious. Movies have been trying to warn us about this day for years, but none of you listened. We still continued to build robots, making them smarter, training them how to fight by pitting them against each other in Robot Wars, thinking they would never rise up against us. And I fear that I'm just like Del Spooner in I, Robot - my warnings falling on deaf ears until it's too late.

I'm not saying that preventing Las Vegas from building a RoboJacko will save us from robot attacks, but it will deal a major blow to their kind and give us more time to prepare for the impending war. Besides, even if the robot revolution still crushes us, it still won't be quite as embarrassing as being defeated by a 50-foot tall killing machine sporting a red sequin jacket and a white glove.

Random Thought of the Week:
Before my parents would let me brother and I watch Wrestlemania III as kids (the one where Hogan bodyslammed Andre the Giant), they went through the tape and edited out the part where Hercules Hernandez bloodied Billy Jack Haynes with a chain. They taped over it with black and white footage of dancing girls. At the time, I was pretty upset by this, but with Wrestlemania 23 coming up this weekend, I'm really kind of hoping that someone will show those dancing girls in place of the Kane/Great Khali match.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He also has some really hot friends. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.


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