Drunk is the new black

Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan. The three starlets already have a lot in common (a love of the press, an abundance of STDs and a sense of entitlement, just to name a few), but now they can all add a DWI arrest to that list.

It seems that among the Hollywood elite, the latest trend is getting liquored up and driving recklessly. It's replaced making a sex tape and climbing out of a car in a skirt sans underwear as the new way to get your name in the headlines. Everyone who is anyone in Hollywood these days has to blow into a tube to start their car. (Let's face it; it's only a matter of time before Britney gets her DWI arrest, which will probably culminate in her attempting to attack the arresting officer with an umbrella, then blaming the whole thing on preparation for a movie role.)

But, what should you do if you are a young Hollywood starlet who is desperate for attention, but not big on hangovers? Well, for all of you Hollywood hopefuls out there looking for a way to endanger the lives of others by driving your car recklessly without having to get wasted on a bottle of Jack and an eight ball of coke first, I have good news for you ... all you have to do is pick up your cell phone.

"We found that people are as impaired when they drive and talk on a cell phone as they are when they drive intoxicated at the legal blood-alcohol limit (of 0.08 percent)," said Frank Drews, an assistant professor of psychology and the co-author of a 2006 University of Utah study. "If legislators really want to address driver distraction, then they should consider outlawing cell phone use while driving."

The study reinforced earlier research that showed hands-free cell phones are equally as distracting as handheld phones because it's the conversation itself, not holding the phone, that causes drivers to be distracted. That means that Bluetooth headsets offer no real benefit to drivers except making them look like a douchebag from the future.

For the study, 40 participants climbed into a driving simulator four times: driving undistracted, using a handheld cell phone, using a hands-free cell phone and while intoxicated to a .08 blood-alcohol level. (Fun sidenote: the drivers were given vodka and orange juice and then told to get behind the wheel of the driving simulator, which officially makes this study the most fun you can have in Utah.) Three of the drivers talking on cell phones rear-ended the pace car, while none of the drunk drivers wrecked.

So driving while cell phoning (or DWCP, for short) is a good way to cause some havoc for young, up-and-coming starlets, but perhaps you are thinking bigger. Perhaps you are the kind of star who instead of simply being photographed by paparazzi climbing out of your car while going "commando," instead choose to climb out of your limo pantsless. Maybe you are the kind of girl whose "leaked" sex tape was directed by John Woo and featured voiceover work by James Earl Jones. If you are an attention whore who shoots for the stars, what can you do to really top Paris and Lindsay's DWIs?

Well, you could always get drunk and pilot a spaceship.

A few weeks ago, NASA released a report stating that two astronauts were apparently drunk before a launch. In one case, an astronaut reported his fellow astronaut was too drunk to fly a T-38 trainer jet after their scheduled flight was cancelled because of mechanical problems. The other case involved a NASA astronaut flying on a Russian Soyuz spacecraft launched from Kazakhstan, which was headed to the International Space Station. I'm guessing the second guy was throwing back a few shots of vodka with those fun-loving Ruskies. (Sadly, neither one of the drinking incidents involved driving cross country in a diaper to kidnap a rival, armed only with pepper spray, a steel mallet and a BB gun.)

Of course, if you aren't a big fan of using Tang as a chaser, then you could make headlines by being the first astronaut to pilot a spaceship while talking on your cell phone. Surely, those fancy Bluetooth headsets must work in space, right?

It's often been said that one man's trash is another man's treasure. I think it's time we put that theory to the test. Instead of expecting Paris, Nicole, Lindsay and Britney to one day wake up with a fucking clue, why not cut our losses and launch them all into outer space. If you really want to make it interesting, just let one of them drive.

Random Thought of the Week:
I really miss you, Grandpa.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He also has some really hot friends. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.