 By the short hairs
So when did having long hair become a crime?
I spent six years in the Army and every two weeks I'd shell out six dollars at the post barber shop to maintain my clean-cut military haircut. One hundred and fifty-six haircuts. More than one thousand dollars total, including tips. I left the Army four years ago to pursue my career as a rock star, I knew one thing: I would need the hair. Long hair leads to having chicks. Having chicks leads to writing songs about chicks, which leads to fame which leads to more chicks, and sex, and drugs and all the other things that come with the dreams of being a rock star. But becoming an overnight success is not as easy as it seems. I needed money for booze, money for rent and money for food (in that order). Being fresh out of the military, I didn't have the long hair. And without the long hair it was difficult to get the rocker chick groupies. Needless to say, I haven't cut my hair in nearly four years. But in the meantime, I had to land a job. In February 2005 I began working for the federal government in the newly created Department of Homeland Security. My hair was barely shoulder length back then, but that wasn't a problem, as the uniform policies allowed males to keep their hair long, so long as it didn't extend beyond two inches from the back of the shirt collar. Fast forward two years and my hair now reaches to the middle of my back. Women everywhere want to touch it. "Can I run my fingers through your hair?" they ask. "Why yes, most definitely," I reply. "This total package of rock star sexiness was meant for you." But last month the DHS released a new uniform policy relating to a group of uniformed employees of which I fall in to. The new standards of appearance no longer allows male employees to wear their hair long. Here is an excerpt from the new policy:
How is this fair within the government? In a world of equal employment, men and women now have different hair standards where not even a month ago they were the same. I've been using rubber bands to keep my hair above my collar for two years and suddenly now I cannot? This is utter bullshit. Not only did they change their policy after I've been working for them for two years, but the way the new policy is worded should make the every day Joe think twice about our government. For males, hair length "shall not extend below the bottom of the back of the collar." Period. No ifs, ands or buts. For female employees hair length "shall not extend beyond two inches below the bottom of the back of the collar while on duty." So now my employer, the government, is trying to regulate how I look when I'm not at work? Fuck them and their appearance standard. It was one thing when I was in the Army and I was required to have short hair. Having long hair and a beard could cause your gas mask to not form a protective seal around your face causing you to be in a bad way. Meanwhile, long hair could be a disadvantage in hand-to-hand combat. Also in the Army I was required to maintain physical fitness and height-weight requirements. Is that next? Am I going to be fired because I look too fat? But in reality, I don't even carry a gas mask today. And the only fight I see occurring at work is between me and my management over this issue. There is only one out though to the long hair policy, and that is to obtain a religious exception to policy. But I'm a rock star, and my holy trinity is Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll; not the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. The government is all about taking down the rock star, the metal guys. But I'm ready. I have made it known that I am converting to Rastafarian. I now claim a Jamaican heritage with roots extending to the African homeland! Leviticus 21:5 shall become my battle cry: "They shall not make baldness upon their head, neither shall they shave off the corner of their beard, nor make any cuttings in the flesh." Vick Viggler is currently holding his breath for his turn to catch hepatitis from Pamela Anderson. You can contact him at viggler@hobotrashcan.com.
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