Word to your mother

I was carousing a popular news website the other day reading the latest happenings on Britney Spears when I noticed something that drives me crazy. People misusing words. And not just any word. I know it was the Internet, but it wasn't like when people use "except" and "accept" or "you're" and "your" interchangeably. This was far worse. Some one had described Britney as a MILF.

(Note: If you don't know what a MILF is, then I encourage you to go rent American Pie before continuing).

For about five minutes MILF was a cool word, but it quickly lost its awesomeness when people started grossly misusing the word to describe any semi-attractive woman with a kid.

To me, Britney is not a MILF. Yes, she has two children. And I'd like to fuck her. Trailer-trashiness aside, if I came home to find a naked Britney in my bed I would not kick her out.

But her kids are two years old and she's what? 25? There has to be a significant age disparity before a guy can correctly label a woman as a MILF. At 25, she's three years younger than me.

You will not find the word "MILF" in the Merriam-Webster dictionary. And without a hard-set definition of what is a MILF, we will continue to run into instances of people misusing it.

Because I was in search of answers, I referred back to American Pie. We probably all remember the scene of the two high school kids at Stifler's party, looking at a picturing of Stifler's mom and calling her a MILF. That establishes the groundwork for a proper definition. The two guys were obsessing over the mother of one of their peers.

Which reminds me of this one time my band played a show at this bar, and afterward I was chatting up the bartender, who was older but attractive. I slurred the line, "You know babe, if you weren't married I'd totally do you."

To which she replied, "You do know I have a son your age."

I was so excited because she was a real MILF. Not only does the MILF have to be a mom, but she has to be the mom of some one you'd actually hang out with. That is part of the charm of using the word. If I called my friend's mom a MILF I'd get a better response from him than I'd get had I called Britney a MILF. I guarantee it.

Without limitations to the word's usage its true meaning may become lost. A Google search of the word MILF returns around 19 million websites. They're all porn, so don't do the search at work. Most of these sites feature voluptuous women who claim to be in their thirties and forties. Nice. But what happens when a porn site decides to go after the untapped market of teenage mom porn? It would be wrong to call 19-year-olds MILFs. Mainly because I already have one folder bookmarked for MILFs and another for teens. So where would I put teen MILFs? Create another folder, I think not!

I know my definition is subjective based on who is using it. For instance, a high school student today may consider movie actress Jennifer Connelly a MILF. As for me, I'd have to call Britney's mom, Lynne Spears, a MILF. By the way, she is definitely hittable, and in true rock star fashion I'd get Lynne and Britney at the same time. In my tour bus. They'd be used to it; it's kinda like a trailer.

Vick Viggler is currently holding his breath for his turn to catch hepatitis from Pamela Anderson. You can contact him at viggler@hobotrashcan.com.