Knight Ozzy

The summer is almost over, and that means an end to the big summer rockfest tours. Good riddance. This summer provided some of the most mis-matched tours I'd ever seen. The most recent coming to mind was when Marilyn Manson came to town … co-headlining with "The Gods of Speed Metal," Slayer. SLAYERRR!

Manson and Slayer are two entirely different types of metal. The casual radio listener probably doesn't understand the differences, but just take a look at their fans. Manson's fans are generally the 15-year-old pasty fat goth kid. A typical SLAYERRR! fan would probably eat, or at least maim, a Manson fan. But not only were these two bands booked together, but the show I saw actually had SLAYERRR! opening for Manson! That's the equivalent of watching the greatest 200 mph NASCAR crash ever, ever, and then driving home in a beat-up Ford Pinto. But that wasn't the only tour scofflaw this summer. This year's Family Values Tour featured Evanescence sharing the bill with Hell Yeah. Well I say "Hell no!"

And Ozzfest. Well, I can't bash too much on Ozzfest since it is free this year, but there was just a lack of big name bands on the bill. The only two bands I didn't actually pay to see were Lamb of God and Hatebreed. But it just wasn't a show without Black Label Society or at least one more band. Hell Yeah would have been a good addition to this tour. But I just can't justify going to an all day show anymore. The last all day show I actually saw from start to finish was the Cypress Hill Smokeout, and I had the worst headache afterward. I promised myself I'd never wake up before noon again to see a show.

But one of the best pairing this year has to go to Sharon Osbourne replacing Brandy on America's Got Talent, there-by teaming up with David Hasselhoff, with the added bonus of Jerry Springer as the host! Oh my god, this would be the most awesome show ever. Picture it. The Hoff, driving around in a kick ass black car that talks. Sharon could be his sidekick, with dogs crapping everywhere. And Jerry Springer would be like Charlie from Charlie's Angels, only they'd have to fight crime against transvestite midget hookers. And Ozzy would be the voice of the fucking car!

And I could hook up with Britney Spears and her mom at the same time.

Vick Viggler is currently holding his breath for his turn to catch hepatitis from Pamela Anderson. You can contact him at viggler@hobotrashcan.com.