College football

College is only good for two things: drunk parties and football. I never went to college so I should know.

Nothing gets me riled up more than college football. From now until January, I will be pretty much useless on Saturdays. But one thing I absolutely cannot stand about college football: rankings. More specifically, the practice of ranking teams prior to the start of the football season. I know there are a dozen different football polls, but I'll focus on the AP's because that's the one I see nearly every day.

Honestly, how can 2000 sports writers get together and determine in August who is going to be the best team by the end of the year? Obviously the correct answer should always be Alabama (or at least any other SEC team with the exception of Auburn). We're only three weeks into the season, and this week's poll is drastically different from the one released in the preseason. Michigan, UCLA, Tennessee, Auburn, Florida State, Arkansas, TCU and Boise State all started the season ranked in the AP Top 25 but have disappeared by week three, being replaced by the likes of Missouri, South Florida, Kentucky, Alabama, Clemson, Boston College, Oregon and South Carolina. After week one, what makes 0-1 Tennessee (then ranked 24) better than the 59 other teams with a 1-0 record? In my opinion it takes about six weeks before the rankings can actually start to be meaningful.

Which brings me to my next point. There are two teams I hate more than my shitty job with the TSA, and those teams are Notre Dame and any team sitting at number one who isn't in the SEC, (currently USC). I read CNN's sports page on a regular basis, mainly because it's slightly easier to navigate than ESPN's. But I have to admit, I'm getting tired of seeing Stewart Mandel. I really hate the photo that accompanies every article he writes. I should smack that smug grin off his face and put his fat ass on a treadmill.

Alabama's "Rammer Jammer" cheer

In his Power Rankings this week, he places 0-3 Notre Dame at 75 out of 119. Why are they ranked so high? Utah State, ranked dead last with a 0-3 record scores three times as many points per game than Notre Dame and averages nearly double the total offensive yardage. Why do I think Alabama should be ranked number one? The first reason is their cheerleaders. Yes, Alabama has some sweet sideline eye candy. Actually, the SEC has far better looking cheerleaders than any other conference. And who can say "No" to any cute girl with that sweet, southern accent. Secondly, Alabama has "Rammer Jammer." The best football cheer ever. Period.

And finally, Alabama has Auburn, and great jokes like this one:

An Auburn football player and his date are walking along in a park. His date says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie".

The Auburn player stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"

Vick Viggler is currently holding his breath for his turn to catch hepatitis from Pamela Anderson. You can contact him at viggler@hobotrashcan.com.