Cold Slither

Oh, this is a good week. First off, after putting up with nearly three years of crappy work schedule with TSA, I'll finally have a somewhat real weekend. Since I began working at the airport in early 2005, I have been stuck with having Tuesdays and Wednesdays as my weekends, while working through a regular person's weekend. Now I have moved up enough in seniority where my new days off will be Fridays and Saturdays.

But there is one thing that's happened these last two weeks that has me even more excited than my new schedule: the release of The Dethalbum.

"What's The Dethalbum?" you ask. Well, it's only the most anticipated metal album ever from a fictional metal band.

And it had me thinking this last week. What other fictional bands I grew up watching on TV would I like to see release a real album today? If I could pick just one fictional band to release an album who would it be?

Would I picture myself jamming out to Josie and the Pussycats? No, but I might watch a music video with the volume turned down.

How about that hot 80's rockin' chick, Jem, with her band The Holograms? No, but she'd be better suited as a groupie for a much better band: mine!

Three other bands came to mind. It was so hard to decide on just one getting a CD. Mystik Spiral, from Daria, would have been a good choice. Songs like "Icebox Woman" and "Paingasm" showed promise, but alas, the poor guys made it out of their garage but just never got discovered.

Then there was Cold Slither (actually, the Dreadnoks in disguise) from the most classic of all cartoons, G.I. Joe. With the help of Cobra Commander, Cold Slither actually got a record deal and filmed a music video. Imagine if Cobra Commander's actually succeeded with his plan to brainwash the world through 80's hair metal? One can only dream.

But then all of a sudden one band, from one particular show came to mind. I remembered growing up watching this show every Friday night as part of the TGI-Friday line-up. Even though the band wasn't the focus of the show, one episode, guest starring the Beach Boys, would stick in my mind forever. That band was Jesse and the Rippers, featuring Jesse Katsopolis (John Stamos), on the TV show Full House. I was barely 11 years old and my musical tastes hadn't fully developed yet, but I was a fan of both the Beach Boys and Elvis Presley at the time and "Uncle Jesse" embodied traits of both of my musical heroes. On the show, Jesse and the Rippers made it big covering a Beach Boys classic. But eventually the Rippers parted with Jesse and he went back to living in his brother-in-law's attic. But soon Jesse bounced back and began playing drums in another band, Hot Daddy and the Monkey Puppets. I don't remember if that band ever became as famous as the Rippers, but he seemed to enjoy it.

Jesse and I are a lot a like in some ways. We both dream of finding success in a band, only to be kicked out after the first album is released for our indulgent lifestyle of cheap booze and cheaper women. Then within a year, I'll form my own band. We'll have better riffs and lyrics, but always be in the first band's shadow. And in a few years, when that first band is on tour somewhere in Sweden supporting their third album and their tour bus crashes on an icy road, killing their bass player, I'll ... wait that's not what happened in the last season of Full House. Sorry, I got sidetracked.

So yeah, Beach Boys plus Elvis times John Stamos equals total awesomeness that should have at least had one CD.

Useless fact of the day: B-movie scream queen, and the mother of my future children, Tiffany Shepis, once told me her favorite cartoon was Jem. I keep asking Joel to set up an interview this outstanding specimen of the female body, but he barely made it through one showing of Delta Delta Die! and now has a fear if sorority girls in lingerie.

Vick Viggler is currently holding his breath for his turn to catch hepatitis from Pamela Anderson. You can contact him at viggler@hobotrashcan.com.