A real "American" hero

What is wrong with people?

Let me re-phrase that. What is wrong with Hollywood? It's been said a thousand times before by a thousand different fan boys. I could tolerate the fact that Bumble Bee was a Camaro instead of a VW Bug in the Transformers movies because at least he still had a yellow paint job. I could put aside that Gambit wasn't featured in the first three X-Men movies. And we'll have to wait until this summer to see if the studios made a wise decision casting Heath Ledger and the Joker in Dark Knight.

BUT YOU DON'T FUCK WITH G.I. JOE. Ever. Period.

It's been long said that Hollywood has run out of ideas. It's true, they've been pillaging comic books for the last half decade now. They even made a freaking Catwoman movie. That's like making a live-action Barbie movie. I didn't play with Barbie as a kid, so why the fuck would I want to see a Catwoman movie? At least Barbie's clothes came off. Which is more than I could say for the leading actress in Catwoman. A movie cannot be good without some boobage. And no, latex-covered blue body paint with some scales hardly counts as showing skin. I don't want freaky mutant/alien nudity unless the chick has something cool, like three boobs. Because, you know they only make bras fit for two boobs so one of them puppies is going to be swinging around freely.

Which brings me back to my main focus: Don't fuck with G.I. Joe. I was born with a G.I. Joe action figure in my hand. Well, not really, since I was born in '79, three years before the 3 3/4 inch versions appeared. But growing up I played with the toys, I watched the cartoons and even followed Marvel comic's entire 155 issue run of G.I. Joe. And I still play with G.I. Joes. I do not "collect" action figures and hang them on my wall to look "pretty." To me, toys are worthless when they are kept in their original packaging. G.I. Joe has always been A REAL AMERICAN HERO. And they were always fighting Cobra, a ruthless, terrorist organization determined to rule the world.

So why does Hollywood insist on raping my childhood? It started with Paramount Pictures choosing Transformers co-producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura to head the live-action G.I. Joe movie. He finished up another summer movie called Shooter, starring Mark Wahlberg, and di Bonaventura went to work on G.I. Joe. First he wanted to cast Wahlberg as Duke. Uhm, no. Even though Wahlberg is one of my favorite actors, he cannot ever be Duke. Duke is badass. Like Dolph Lundgren bad ass. Marky Mark is not Dolph Lundgren.

Next came the rumors that Snake Eyes would not be featured in the G.I. Joe film. The studio's reasoning? It is too difficult to develop a major character who does not talk and never shows his face. Brilliant thinking, Paramount. Brilliant. I guess that's why you guys stopped making Friday the 13th movies after the second one because moviegoers wouldn't be interested in watching a movie where the main character can't develop because Jason had a mask and couldn't talk and all.

Finally, last week, Paramount dropped a kilo-ton shit bomb onto us hardcore Joe fans by announcing that the G.I. Joe team will NOT be an elite American fighting unit, but instead it will be a European-based team made up of international special operatives taking on an evil organization led by a Scottish arms dealer. Hmmm. A Scottish arms dealer? Of course that's Destro. But Destro does not, and has never, been the leader of Cobra. Destro runs his own company, M.A.R.S. (Military Armament Research Syndicate), and he just so happens, on occasion, to sell weapons to Cobra Commander. Oh yeah, and the other part, about G.I. Joe no longer being an American unit is just blasphemy. And the studio has already butchered the name into some lame acronym (Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity). Sounds like a goddamned Sprint PCS commercial.

Paramount's reasoning for the shift from an American team to an international team is that the rest of the world doesn't like Americans. And money. Only about one quarter of a film's profits (when released world-wide) comes from the U.S. market. So, in order to maximize profits, they're encouraging diversity in the workplace.

I'm sure some bloke is going to email me with something like, "But Viggler, us lads over here in Britain also played with G.I. Joes growing up, but we called them Action Force and it was about a team of British SAS soldiers. Chim Chim Cheroo!" Blah Blah Blah.

I don't care. I play with G.I. Joes. You play with Action Force. G.I. Joes were made by Hasbro. Action Force were made by Palitoy and looked like lame versions of the old Kenner Star Wars action figures. You know, the ones where only their hips and shoulders moved, but not the elbows or knees like the far superior G.I. Joe toys. In fact, I'd have more fun playing with a turd that fell out of my ass than playing with Star Wars figures. And that's about all Paramount deserves these days.

Vick Viggler is currently holding his breath for his turn to catch hepatitis from Pamela Anderson. You can contact him at viggler@hobotrashcan.com.