Detroit sucks

Detroit sucks. This was never made more clear to me than the last few week, starting early October when I attended my first ever NHL game - featuring the Chicago Blackhawks and the Detroit Red Wings.

I attended the game with two friends of mine, who happen to be life-long Blackhawks fans, and was quickly schooled in why Chicago fans are supposed to hate Detroit. First of all, the twenty-thousand-plus United Center rarely sells more than fifty percent capacity for regular season Blackhawks games, EXCEPT when Detroit comes to town. Then the crowd grows to near sell-out status. According to my friends, it's because there are just as many Red Wings fans living in Chicago as there are Black Hawks fans, which is just embarrassing. Secondly, Chicago and Detroit are part of the "original six" NHL teams, and Detroit and Chicago have been smacking each other around for around 80 years now. As of right now, less than 20 games into an 80 game season, Detroit and Chicago sit in first and second place respectively in the NHL's Central Division.

Fast forward to last Sunday night, when the Blackhawks and Red Wings met for the third time this season, again playing at Chicago's United Center. All of a sudden on the Jumbotron appeared an image of Kid Rock wearing a Red Wings jersey, and the Chicago crowd unleashed a barrage of jeers.

I thought, "Man, Kid Rock is a douchebag, wearing a douchebag jersey of a douchebag team from a douchebag city." What other horrid crap has Detroit crapped out for the rest of America to endure? The Detroit Lions, for one. And we can't forget the Pistons and the Tiger too.

But Joel doesn't pay me with hookers and coke to write about sports.

I don't care if Kid Rock and Tommy Lee get into a lover's spat over a plastic bag full of hepatitis wearing a blonde wig, but some how this makes the news. (Remind me to change that last little line that appears at the bottom of this page.)

So what else is Detroit responsible for? Insane Clown Posse. Yes, a bunch of white guys painted up like The Crow rapping about murder to circus music. And Juggalos? Yes, some how ICP has fans. And they look and act just as retarded as Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope. Detroit has ICP and Eminem. Chicago has blessed the world with Kanye West and Muddy Waters. Chicago even has a rock band named Chicago. Detroit has the most over-rated rock band ever, KISS. As in "Detroit Rock City can KISS my ass."

Wasn't Madonna born near Detroit? Well, Chicago has Janet Jackson (okay, she was born in Gary, Indianna, just outside of Chicago), but at least she doesn't go around with a fake British accent. And we saw her boob on the Super Bowl. The last time I saw Madonna naked, it was in a heavy ass book with a steel cover that cost me $50 and she was posing with Vanilla Ice. Detroit has the White Stripes, and they can keep them. Chicago has the Smashing Pumpkins, which, I swear to god, will make a good album again some day.

Pink Floyd. Not from Chicago. But if they could choose where to have been born, I bet it would be from here.

Detroit sucks. Kid Rock Sucks. His new album sucks. Wearing a Detroit jersey to a Chicago game sucks. KISS sucks. And the Bulls suck (until we get Kobe).

Vick Viggler is currently holding his breath for his turn to catch hepatitis from Pamela Anderson. You can contact him at viggler@hobotrashcan.com.