I only read the fucking headlines

So today I'm surfing through Yahoo when I catch the top headline of their news page: "Red meat raises risk of lung cancer, study finds."

God fucking dammit. Does this mean the Illinois legislature is going to pass a law banning me from eating red meat in public restaurants too? This fucking nanny shit has got to stop. First the hippies pussified American cars by taking lead out of gasoline. Mandatory seatbelt laws. Then, a few years ago, they started taking smoking out of bars and restaurants. I really didn't care about smoking bans a few years ago because I don't smoke. Many people die from heart disease every year, but no one was attempting to stop me from eating the fatty foods I enjoy. So I used to joke that one day some law will be passed banning McDonald's foods and that's when I'll fucking snap.

Today, I have the displeasure of living in Chicago. About a year ago, the city actually tried to ban trans fat. This came after their unpopular foie gras ban. In the months leading up to the foie gras ban, I started to believe I was the only person in the city who had never eaten the crap. I couldn't figure out why everyone was making such a big deal out of some exotic weeds for a salad. It took about three months before I realized foie gras was actually duck liver.

Apparently the ducks are force-fed food for about two weeks prior to being slaughtered for their liver. The force feeding causes the liver to get fatty and delicious. According to PETA, force-feeding a duck before it's killed is unethical and they want the practice stopped. So, uh, I can still kill the duck and eat it so long as i don't force feed it, right? Somehow our tough Mayor Richard Daley bent to the whims of a handful of dirty fucking hippies ankle deep in duck shit.

The attempt to ban trans fat didn't go over too well the first time. Chicago is full of fat-filled eateries and I think the residents have had enough. I know I have. The city passed ordinance that takes effect in a few short weeks (Jan. 1, 2008) banning smoking in all public places. Why? For my fucking health, they claim. Can they guarantee me I'll live to be 100 years old if I don't smoke? No, they cannot. So stop living this fantasy that we're all immune to the effects of aging and just accept the fact that eventually we are all going to die.

Fuck banning shit outright. I don't believe any part of the government has the right to tell the people what they can and cannot do. While we're at it, de-criminalize weed too. We all know the war on drugs is a farce, costing taxpayers billions of dollars.

I'm totally okay with putting up posters stressing the importance of a proper diet and the negative effects of smoking. But in the end, let me make up my own god damned mind.

So far they've put limits on weed, cigarettes, guns and trans fat. All for our own "protection."

Bottom line, if they try to ban red meat then they're going to need to pass a law protecting them from the health hazard known as Viggler because I will just fucking snap. And do they think a gun ban will protect them? I'll just come after them with a baseball bat. Fucking push me over the edge and I'll build a catapult and launch pumpkins. I don't care. I'll throw toaster off the rooftop of Bed, Bath and Beyond.

I think the best bet is to wipe the slate clean, make everything legal and let us kill ourselves with our own vices.

Vick Viggler is currently holding his breath for his turn to catch hepatitis from Pamela Anderson. You can contact him at viggler@hobotrashcan.com.