Zebra is the new black

There’s a disturbing trend in professional football. Attention whores are attempting to steal the spotlight and thrust themselves from obscurity to superstardom. No, I'm not talking about some wide receiver choreographing his next touchdown celebration. That I can tolerate. This is much worse.

I'm talking about referees. You give them a microphone and a yellow flag, and all of the sudden they’re hogging the limelight more than your neighbor’s kid with Attention Deficit Disorder. It’s as if each of these ego-driven referees is in love with the sound of his own voice.

Penalties are being called at an alarming rate. Through the first five games of the season, referees are throwing an average of 16 flags per game (1.5 more per game than just a year ago). And this is only the accepted calls. Through those same five weeks, NFL teams are averaging roughly 37 penalties and 292 penalty yards – compared to 33.5 penalties and 272 yards after five weeks just a year ago.

Things are so out of control right now, that teams are actually finishing games with more penalties than points. How is that possible in a league where a touchdown is worth six points? In Week 5 alone, Baltimore scored 17 points, but picked up 21 penalties (one short of the NFL record) and had two players ejected. Okay, I admit – the Ravens are a bad example. They’ve been thugs ever since Ray Lewis sidestepped murder charges in 2000. But they weren’t the only team to earn the dubious distinction that week.

The New Orleans Saints (three points and 11 penalties), San Francisco 49ers (three points and seven penalties) and the Miami Dolphins (14 points and 18 penalties) also got more than their fair share of hankies. Add in the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who finished with 12 points and 12 penalties, and you’ve got enough frustrated players to stand up to these overzealous zebras. Just ask umpire Butch Hannah, who took a punch to the face by Bucs defensive back Ronde Barber during the Tampa Bay-New York Jets Week 5 match-up.

I'm not talking about a one-week statistical anomaly either. A quarter of the way through the season, 18 of the 32 teams are averaging more penalties per game than last season. I mean, a ref has to get his “face time.“

As I pointed out to a buddy while watching the Ravens referee-assisted meltdown, there’s a reason players have names on the back of their jerseys and not referees. No one comes to a game to see the officials. A few beer companies try to be cute and feature refs in an advertising campaign and all of the sudden they think they’re ready for primetime. Well I’m here to put a stop to it.

No one cares how many Pro Bowls referee Mike Carey has been a part of, or that Ed Hochuli is an Arizona attorney during the week and an NFL referee on the weekends (it’s true – look it up). The truth is, if you remember who refereed a specific game, then chances are it’s because he blew a pivotal call. If they simply show up and do their job, you’re not supposed to notice them at all.

Don’t believe me? Walt Coleman earned his way into NFL history by making up a crazy little call we refer to as the “tuck rule” because the NFL wanted to make sure a team called the Patriots won the Super Bowl after the Sept. 11 attacks. From the very first NFL game until the day before the Patriots faced the Oakland Raiders, the rule was “If it looks like a fumble, it is one.” But then this assclown comes along and changes everything. Now if Tom Brady loses the ball, it’s not a fumble – it’s an incomplete pass. Never mind that if it is, in fact, an incomplete pass, then it should be considered intentional grounding because the pass doesn’t make it back to the line of scrimmage or to an eligible receiver. Those kind of “rules” don’t apply when you’re a superstar like Walt Coleman.

I just can’t believe that no one else sees the monsters that these guys are becoming. I fear that there’s no stopping them at this point. They’ll just continue to spiral out of control until you have a full-fledged Michael Moore-type situation on your hands. Trust me (and the president) on this – you don’t want that.

Maybe, I’m going about this the wrong way. Instead of admonishing the Mike Careys of the world, I should embrace them. I should see the trend before it fully hits and capitalize on it. That’s why I’m going to start selling replica referee jerseys. Why waste your money on a Terrell Owens #81 Philadelphia Eagles jersey when he’s going to be on a new team in the not-too-distant future anyways? Instead, mail me your 80 dollars, and I’ll send you a Walt Coleman #65 referee jersey in your size. That way, you too, can be the center of attention.

Brian Murphy has no shame, and will happily make a quick buck by exploiting attention-starved zebras. Contact him at: murf@the5holes.com