Real World Minnesota

The Parent Television Council is slipping up. A video game titled Blitz: The League was released last week and I’ve yet to see anyone representing the group in USA Today, on Larry King Live or anywhere else for that matter. Frankly, I’m starting to worry.

These extreme nutjobs are usually the first people to jump up and down and scream bloody murder when anything remotely entertaining can be seen by today’s youth.

I can’t stand them, but in a perverse kind of way they’ve become a part of my life. When a female wrestler participates in a “bra and panties” match during a WWE match, I know the PTC will file a complaint. When the video game Grand Theft Auto 3 hit the shelves and the general public figured out you could make the main character bang a hooker – they went ballistic and demanded the game be taken off store shelves.

So when I heard that Blitz: The League was a new football video game that let players use steroids, brutally attack opponents and even send prostitutes to the other team’s hotel the night before a big game, I knew it was only a matter of time before the PTC called for the end of the world. But here’s the thing – I haven’t heard a peep out of them. And that’s when I began to worry. Where were they?

The only thing I can come up with is – they’ve given up. They’ve finally figured out that they’re fighting a losing battle. The PTC took one look at today’s NFL and figured out that this video game isn’t so far off base after all. I mean, look at the Minnesota Vikings. These guys take being a Viking very serious – all the way to the boat rides, raping and pillaging.

For the purposes of keeping this column less than 1,500 words, I’ll only focus on the last year in the life of the Minnesota professional football team. Last year, the Vikings were still owned by cheapskate Red McCombs. Winning was great, but it wasn’t mandatory. McCombs was just concerned with penny pinching. That’s why the Vikings came into the 2005 season more than $9 million under the salary cap. Since money was this man’s primary concern – the Vikings quickly found their ship was sinking.

It starts at the top with head mechanic Mike Tice (take a look at him – with his pencil behind his ear and his dumb sweater vest – and tell me he doesn’t look like the shift manager at Jiffy Lube), who got caught scalping Super Bowl tickets. He knew there was no way a team he coached could make the Super Bowl, so why not sell the tickets he had access to for a profit? It was a great plan, until the NFL fined him $100,000 in June. Also, let’s not forget that last year Tice apparently offered to fight any player on the team “who wanted a piece of him.”

But that’s just the beginning. In April, starting running back Onterrio Smith was detained at a security checkpoint at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport with several vials of dried urine and a fake schlong called the “Whizzinator.” He said it was a sex toy. The makers of the product say it’s a way to beat drug testing. Smith was then suspended for the entire 2005 season.

And let’s not forget wide receiver Randy Moss, who mooned the fans in Green Bay and headed for the locker room early in Washington when his teammates were still trying to win a game last season. Right around the time Moss, who had been deported to the Oakland Raiders during the offseason, admitted to recreational marijuana use throughout his career, the Vikings organization started damage control. Quarterback Daunte Culpepper and Tice told the media their 2005 offense was poised to be the best yet. They said it often enough, you almost got the sense they were starting to believe it.

Maybe McCombs deserves a little credit. In June, he decided to cut his losses and sold the team to Zygmunt Wilf for $600 million. Not two minutes after he purchased the team, Wilf announced that he wanted to build a new $675 million retractable-roof stadium to replace the Metrodome. Zilf’s plan called for $400 million from taxpayers with the Vikings contributing roughly $275 million.

With his team in need of a fast start to erase all the off-the-field issues and ease the concerns of the tax-paying public, Wilf watched in horror as the Vikings started the season 1-3, and were outscored by 60 points in their three losses. So much for the best offense yet.

Clearly unhappy, the new owner called for a meeting of the minds during the team’s bye week. All of the management types and coaches huddled up for a weekend retreat in hopes of salvaging the season. Little did they know that while this was going on, their players would find a way to completely sink the Vikings season.

According to reports by several Minnesota news outlets, about 17 players were among the approximately 90 people on two boats for a chartered cruise on Lake Minnetonka during the team’s bye week. Crew members on the boats alleged that the cruise was cut short because nude women were performing lap dances and sexual acts with male cruise participants, including some of the players.

Not to be outdone by his teammates on their Viking party ship, Smith struck again. Apparently he’s not letting a yearlong suspension and public humiliating stemming from a fake penis stop him from having a “good time.” A 21-year-old woman with a form of mental impairment stemming from fetal alcohol syndrome is now suing Smith after he allegedly sexually assaulted her last year. This is clearly a man who has his priorities in order.

Let me take a moment to remind you that I’ve only focused on one franchise out of 32. And yes, for those of you scoring at home (and those of you home alone) the NFL is the same league who forced ESPN to shutdown the show “Playmakers” because they felt it depicted professional football in a negative light.

So I guess the one major difference between the video game and real life is that in Blitz: The League, the players actually share the hookers with the opposing team. And remember folks – sharing is caring.

Brian Murphy has never been to Minnesota, but is quickly trying to convince his fiancé that they should visit Lake Minnetonka for their honeymoon. Contact him at: murf@the5holes.com