Sensory Overload

Sometimes there’s simply too much going on in the world of sports. So instead of hijacking the entire HoboTrashcan website, I’ve opted to tackle a few of the bigger headlines in one column.

God Hates the Chicago Cubs
I cannot say this clearly enough – everyone, including the man upstairs, is tired of your whining and crying. He thought the Apostle, Steve Bartman, was enough to send you a message, but alas – it wasn’t. So then, he tried to send a message to the Chicago faithful last year by making the “other” cursed team win their first World Series in 86 years (see: Sox, Red). This year, he brought the issue a little closer to home by enabling the second team from the Second City to win their first World Series in 88 years (see: Sox, White). But the Cubs “tortured” fans still don’t get it. They still think they world revolves around them. No one cares that you’re not allowed to bring a goat to ballgames anymore. If it’s really that big of a deal, then go to a West Virginia football game. It’s not only encouraged – it’s expected.

Stern dresses down NBA players
The rumors are flying.

NBA commissioner David Stern is selling out the league’s hip-hop roots to embrace the businessmen executives who pay thousands upon thousands of dollars to chill in luxury suites.

Another popular one says …

To help out Mario Lopez and the fashion-focused folks at ESPN Hollywood, David Stern informed all NBA players that starting this season, there will be a strict dress code.

By in large, the reaction (or dare I say overreaction) by the NBA players has amusing.

Allen Iverson claims it’s a personal attack on who he is and what he’s about. Stephen Jackson says the new rule is straight-up racist. Marcus Camby (and his $7 million dollars salary) wants a stipend to pay for the new clothes he’s required to wear.

Are these men so far removed from the rest of society that they can’t fathom having their business set out guidelines as to what they can/can’t wear? Because they have money (except for Camby – who apparently thinks he’s broke) they should be above rules?

How about this – how about you stop crying and you get with the program. So what if you have to wear a collared shirt and a nice pair of slacks to and from the arena on game day. Seriously, what’s the issue? You’re still allowed to have a personality.

In the immortal words of Tyler Durden in Fight Club, “You are not your fucking khakis.” Get over yourself.

BCS screws Trojans without protection
When the first BCS poll came out last week, the nation was shocked to see that the Texas Longhorns, and not the University of Southern California Trojans, were at the top of the rankings. Nevermind that Southern Cal hasn’t lost a game since a triple overtime loss to California in 2003, when Matt Lienart (a.k.a. – Van Wilder) was just a red-shirt sophomore who actually took real college classes. The computers were not impressed. And apparently that’s what matters, so USC sits .0007 behind Texas in second place.

I need you all to read this and get the word out to others. It doesn’t matter that they fixed the rankings and put USC back on top this week – the current BCS system is a joke. Think of it as the drunk chick at the party dancing by herself way too early in the night. She’s just begging for attention, but you’re better off without her.

Which begs the question – if college basketball is so perfect with its March Madness tournament guaranteeing a national champion, then why is college football so screwed up with its shared national champions and computer rankings?

WNBA ‘Swoops’ in for the score
A female basketball player has come out of the closet. I know, I know ... and Jesse Jackson likes black people, and Mel Gibson likes Jesus. What’s your point? My point is it’s a good thing when Sheryl Swoopes, the reigning WNBA MVP, says she's "tired of being miserable" and tells the world she’s a lesbian. It’s simply another way for the league to cater to its fans.

Lesbianism should be a requirement for all future players, if for no other reason than to prevent teams from losing first-round picks to pregnancy (see: Brown, Kwame).

Topics for another day:
Selig blows the roof off of Houston
Martz and Vitt: heart to heart
Freddy Adu wants more playing time – and a bigger allowance

Brian Murphy always stays away from the drunk chick at the party. If you’re sober, contact him at murf@the5holes.com.