Ego was his name-o

Hey kids, It’s time for another Note to Self. I was going to focus my attention on Philadelphia Eagles malcontent Terrell Owens, and his modern-day Jerry Maguire agent, Drew Rosenhaus. But since the last time I wrote a column, roughly two-thirds of the country has written an article on the demise of T.O.

There are already hundreds of articles chronicling the 21 touchdowns in 20 games, the heroic Super Bowl return from injury, and every snide jab at the quarterback who got so sick in the big game that he brought new meaning to the term “Chunky Soup.” It’s all been done.

So it’s my job to bring a new angle to this story. Instead of focusing on Terrell Owens and the Philadelphia Eagles, we’re going to turn our attention to which team will be dumb enough to think they can tame the terrible Owens next. You see, that’s the part of the story that the mainstream media has neglected to point out -- Owens has always been like this. Just ask Jeff Garcia. When the touchdown passes didn’t come often enough for T.O. in San Francisco, he resorted to questioning Garcia’s sexuality.

But Andy Reid’s ego thought, “I can handle him. We’re close enough to the Super Bowl, and I’ve built a solid enough foundation here that Owens will have no choice but to fall in line with the rest of the 53-man roster.” And we see how that turned out. If you thinking I’m putting words in Reid’s mouth (well, technically, his ego’s mouth, but whatever) go back and listen to that very first press conference. The entire tone of the press conference is built around the idea that Owens will be a good little soldier in the Eagles army, and General Reid will march them all to Super Bowl victory. Pure ego, my friends.

I know that Terry Glenn is the NFL’s residential “she,” but you need to think of Terrell Owens as a beauty queen. It’s fine to admire all that she brings to the table from afar (i.e. – while Owens is on some other team’s roster), but as much as you think you’d love to be with her – you’d be devastated to learn that she bring nothing to the table but good looks. The first time you woke up next to her, sans all the make-up and soft lighting, you’ll find that she’s really no different than anyone else. She just thinks she is. And that makes her a pain in the ass – we call that baggage you don’t need.

Which egomaniac coach will be the next to learn this lesson first hand? Here’s a list of some of the coaches (and a surprise visitor) who would surely disappoint their fans by making a pass at America’s Next Top Model:

Brian Billick – If we’re talking ego, then Billick’s automatically included on the list. Let’s not forget that, in between San Francisco and Philadelphia, Owens was a Baltimore Raven for about 15 minutes. Assuming Billick has a job next year, he’d gladly head down that road again.

Mike Shanahan – Okay, now we’ve got the top two egos crossed off the list. This is the man who thought he could make The Maurice Clarrett Experiment work. He also thought he could turn back the clock to when Jerry Rice was a competent receiver. So naturally, he’ll think he can make Owens work out in Denver. Honestly, this is one of top two destinations you can expect Owens to end up in.

Bill Parcells – One needs to look no further than Keyshawn Johnson to know Parcells would take on Owens in a heartbeat. Keyshawn offers all the mouth with only half the talent, so why wouldn’t the Tuna want to bring in Owens? And if Owens gets out of line, Tuna will swing at him like he did wide receivers coach Todd Haley earlier this season. This is the other favorite location for Owens.

Tony Dungy – I admit it, this one won’t happen. Mostly because the Colts have too much money tied up in Peyton Manning’s contract to pay the talented players they’ve already got on the roster. And Dungy isn’t an ego case, as much as he is the NFL’s equivalent of the Rev. Jesse Jackson. Look at how quickly Dungy sprung to protect Randy Moss after his ass-rubbing celebration in Green Bay. Because Owens is black, Dungy would convince himself that the guy isn’t as bad as the media portrays him, and welcome him to the Colts with open arms.

Nick Saban – This guy isn’t nicknamed the “Nicktator” for nothing. He doesn’t allow his assistant coaches to talk with the media. He believes that if the Miami Dolphins have anything to say, then it should come from him. That’s enough ego to include the new guy on the block on this list.

Al Davis – I know, I know, Davis is the Oakland Raider’s owner, not coach. But the guy still fits the description of the type of ego we’re looking for that would welcome a talented, but troubled wide receiver (see: Moss, Randy). Since everyone’s favorite pushover head coach, Norv Turner, will be fired after the year, maybe this is the year Davis will decide to eliminate the middle man and coach the Raiders himself. And if he does, he’d love the chance to have Moss and Owens line up as his top two receivers.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go buy my ticket to the new Johnny Cash movie, Walk the Line – or like I call it, Ray for white people. See you in a couple weeks.

Brian Murphy would drive to Redskins Park and demand a sit-down meeting with owner Dan Snyder himself if Owens were to end up in Washington next year. If you don’t believe us, contact him at murf@the5holes.com.