When naked bongo dancing turns bad

Dear Vince Young,

I know that we have never met and that your popularity has shot through the roof after winning one of the biggest games in the history of football, but I felt the need to write you. You’re the biggest thing since Tara Reid’s sloppy boob job – I realize that. So you may not have a chance to get back to me right away. And that’s okay, just as long as I know you heed my advice.

Leave school. Turn pro.

Those are the only four words that should matter to you. I know that this past weekend you announced your intentions to go to the NFL, but I’m here to make sure you stick to it. As soon as you finish reading this, you should sign with an agent immediately. I’d go with someone other than Drew Rosenhaus or myself, but that’s not important.

Your stock will never be higher than it is right now. The way you pretty much single-handedly willed the Texas Longhorns to victory during the Rose Bowl showed everyone exactly what they wanted to see – you have amazing athletic ability and you’re a competitor until the very end. Don’t tell me you need to stay and win the Heisman Trophy. In two years you can buy former Oklahoma Sooners QB Jason White’s Heisman off of eBay. He’ll need money for food by then.

Only bad can come from you staying at school. I mean, did you ever hear what happened to Longhorn alumni Matthew McConaughey when he stuck around Austin, Texas a little too long? Let’s just say it involved naked bongo dancing. We don’t want that to happen to you. And I won’t even bring up former Longhorn RB Ricky Williams.

I hear you want to be the first person from your family to graduate from college, and that’s noble. But you can do that without staying on campus – go to the pros and finish your required courses after the NFL season. Hell, Shaquille O’Neal is working as an undercover cop down in Florida during the offseason. If a 7-foot tall, 350-lb. bald black man with a fu-manchu can work undercover, then I know you can do anything you set your mind to.

But you need to go. Look at the quarterback you beat to win Texas’ first national championship since 1970 – Matt Leinert (a.k.a. Van Wilder). Last year, he would have been a lock for the first pick in the NFL draft. Because Van Wilder wanted to stay at Southern Cal (so he didn’t miss out on his ever-important ballroom dancing class), Alex Smith was selected by the 49ers and signed a six-year deal worth a cool $49.5 million – with $24 million in guaranteed money.

Had Van Wilder left after winning the Heisman Trophy and 1.5 national championships (Everyone forgets, but LSU split the honors with USC in 2003) he could have stayed in California and had nearly $50 million to blow on parties with his B/F/F Nick Lachey. Now his teammate Reggie Bush is a lock to be picked ahead of him and he very well may be banished to play for the pitiful and nearly homeless New Orleans/San Antonio Saints for a lot less cash. What a difference a year makes.

I know Texas head coach Mack Brown has been in your ear about staying for your senior year. But he and everyone else in Austin are only thinking of themselves. They’re not thinking of what happens to your future and your paycheck should you pull a Willis McGahee next year and blow out your knee. If anyone deserves to be greedy it’s you, my friend. Take the money and run. The quicker you get to the NFL and let a paid professional fix your unorthodox throwing motion, the better.

One more thing, and this is vital – have your people start changing your image now. Get the name Mike Vick away from you as soon as humanly possible. If anyone says your name in the same breath as his, look him straight in the eyes and say, “There’s only one Michael Vick. I’m just trying to be the best Vince Young I can be.” Athletes are better when they refer to themselves in third person. Brian Murphy strongly believes that.

If people must compare you to someone, make sure they use Donovan McNabb. You may remember that he was a young, talented scrambling quarterback who turned into a solid pocket passer. Michael Vick is overrated – McNabb is loved by everyone (well, outside of Terrell Owens and the NAACP). So get on the phone now with draft guru Mel Kiper Jr. and plant that little seed in his head. And once you’re done with that, go pick out your agent so the two of you can hold a press conference to let the NFL know you’re on your way. You’ll thank me for it later.

Hugs,

murf.

Brian Murphy would like to take a moment to address New England QB Tom Brady, who recently stated he felt the Patriots were disrespected. Hey Tom, you’re the Golden Boy. You’re 28 years old and you’ve already won three Super Bowls, you’re dating movie-star hottie Bridget Moynahan and you play for one of the most revered head coaches in sports history. Any disrespect you’re feeling is simply jealousy. So shut your pretty little mouth and go whore yourself out some more to Master Card or play catch with a Diet Pepsi machine. If you want to weigh in on anything sports related, email Murphy at murf@the5holes.com.