Identity crisis

Though I chose not to admit it, I always knew we were doomed because we didn’t hug at the end of each Party of Five episode anymore. And though it pained me, I refused to end the lie that was our relationship.

That’s probably why I drank myself into a semi-coma each morning just to be able to walk through those double doors knowing I’d have to pretend to care about another batch of pop quizzes and parent/teacher conferences with sausage-fingered housefrows who care more about Wisteria Lane than their pimpled-faced son’s fledgling academic career.

But I guess it’s better than the fate of my cousin James, who is wasting away his hate-filled life working for that goddamn bottled water company.

And he wouldn’t have to brave that minimum-wage hellhole if it weren’t for this current slap-dick administration, which has now broadened its inept war on terrorism to include maids and construction workers.

But it’s all good because I’m a talentless hack with my own website, a bunch of hot friends and a homeless guy who I pay in Skittles to put out my newsletter. But enough about me.

As much as I seem to be working my way through an identity crisis, it’s nothing compared to what got into the George Mason University basketball team. How on God’s green earth did they make it to the Final Four? I mean, George Mason hadn’t come up this big since season two of 24 when he crash-landed the plane into the desert. Who do they think they are? Don’t they know that America has a gambling problem, and no one put money on them to win anything this March?

To put their improbable run in perspective, my wife and I were looking at houses in the Fairfax area a month or so ago and she said, “If we move here we’ll be close to George Mason, which would be great for concerts.” At no point did either of us mention that we would be within walking distance to the hoops hotbed that is Patriots basketball.

George Mason had only been invited to the NCAA tournament three times in school history (1989, 1999 and 2001), and up until this year they’d never even won a game in the big dance. Now, they’re the basketball equivalent of Cool Runnings, the feel-good story of the Jamaican bobsled team ascending to the big stage. And who cares if they actually won the national championship or not? I mean, take a look at their roster and tell me how they even got this far.

There are no “can’t miss” prospects on this team. The only George Mason player with a decent chance of hearing his name called on draft day is big man Jai Lewis. And that’s only if the rumors are true and an NFL team is convinced they can turn him into the next Antonio Gates-type superstar tight end.

The only other player whose name made headlines was starting point guard Tony Skinn, and that was only because he decided to punch a Hofstra player in the beanbag during the Colonial Athletic Association tournament and was suspended for Mason’s first round match-up with Michigan State. So there was little reason to think that this was a team capable of even advancing past round one.

Most locals would have told you before the tournament started that George Mason was the fourth best team in the region, not in the country (behind George Washington, Georgetown and possibly even Maryland). But its head coach Jim Larranaga and company who got the last laugh.

As the George Mason website said last week, “With their first trip to the Final Four in school history, Mason is enjoying what is undoubtedly its finest season. The Patriots have won an NCAA Tournament game for the first time, set a school record with 27 wins and defeated a pair of top-10 teams (Connecticut and North Carolina) for the first time in school history.” Going back to that gambling theme – this is a team playing with house money.

Michigan State, North Carolina and Connecticut are not cupcakes. Each has won a national championship – with the Tar Heels and Huskies being the last two national champs. And Michigan State and North Carolina were both in the Final Four last season. George Mason? They were only the sixth best team in their own conference a year ago.

And this year? Let’s just say mid-major teams that can’t even win their own conference are supposed to aim for the NIT tournament (at least that’s what Billy Packer told me). This is not what a number 11 seed is supposed to do. George Mason was just supposed to be an undersized sacrifice for one of the real basketball programs. If women’s basketball actually counted, I would tell you to notice that three number one seeds and a number two seed were the last four teams standing. That’s the industry standard this time of year.

So don’t feel bad for the Patriots for losing to Florida 73-58 in the Final Four. Nobody remembers who took the gold in the ‘88 Winter Olympics – they only remember the underdog Jamaican bobsled team that Disney exploited. The same will hold true for the loveable losers from George Mason. Count on it.

Brian Murphy is the first mammal to wear pants. Contact him at murf@the5holes.com.