Ozzie hates fags

I'm not one to start rumors. That being said, I can't help but believe Bud Selig and the powers-that-be of Major League Baseball sent 62-year-old Martha Fleishman to gun down Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger while he was joyriding on his motorcycle on a Pennsylvania highway, June 12.

Now I admit that Roethlisberger is a moron for not having a valid motorcycle license or wearing a helmet, but it's just too convenient that the 62-year-old woman happened to pull her Chrysler New Yorker out in front of the Super Bowl winning quarterback right when baseball found itself in the middle of yet another ugly controversy involving players using illegal substances.

Had Fleishman not "sacked" Roethlisberger, the world would still be focused solely on former Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Jason Grimsley and his illegal use of a human growth hormone.

Here's a quick recap for those who aren't up to speed. Federal agents raided Grimsley's home during an investigation into performance-enhancing drugs. According to court documents, authorities had tracked a package containing two "kits" of HGH - about a season's worth - that was delivered to Grimsley's house, April 19.

Once the feds got to the 38-year-old and explained how much trouble he was in, the pitcher admitted to using HGH, steroids and amphetamines while playing in the big leagues. Feeling the pressure, Grimsley then went on to name other baseball players who he believed used illegal substances. This issue is so serious that former Senate majority leader George J. Mitchell is currently conducting a league-wide investigation into the use of performance-enhancing drugs.

Former ESPN talking head and current baseball genius Keith Olbermann estimates that as many as 100 baseball players could eventually be caught in this scandal. Pretty much everyone I talked to on the subject had reached a point where they were ready to say, "Let's wipe the record book clean. Any record set during the modern era should automatically be erased because as far as anyone can tell they're all cheaters." And I saw everyone's point. When subpar players like Grimsley, with his robust 42-58 lifetime record and a career earned run average of 4.77, are on the juice it's hard to give anyone else in the sport the benefit of the doubt.

And yet, all was pretty much forgotten when one senior citizen pulled out in front of a meathead quarterback on a crotch-rocket. The entire country became fixated on whether Roethlisberger would have any teeth left once the season started. Selig and friends could breathe a huge sigh of relief because the national media - with its attention deficit disorder - found a new shiny object to focus on.

Major League Baseball tried to save their sinking ship by quietly announcing that should Grimsley ever return to the game he would have a 50-game suspension waiting for him. The move was such a joke that Detroit Tigers closer Todd Jones said, "It's kind of like giving a speeding ticket to a guy that got killed in a car wreck." Grimsley will not be back, he will most likely be in federal prison for using HGH. But that didn't stop Bud from pretending he knows what he's doing.

And to make matters worse, just as Roethlisberger gets out of the hospital and the national media needs something else to focus on, baseball finds itself back on the wrong end of the spotlight. This time, Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen has decided he's not happy with a few of the articles written by Chicago Sun-Times columnist Jay Mariotti. You know Mariotti - he's the attention whore who battles Woody Paige for airtime on ESPN's awful afternoon show, Around The Horn.

Guillen didn't really mix words on the subject of Mariotti, who was not in town during the manager's tantrum.

"What a piece of [expletive] he is, [expletive] fag," he said.

Um … what? You don't like an article that questions your handling of a demoted pitcher and you call the guy a fucking fag? How does that work? Apparently no one taught Ozzie the difference between his "inside voice" and his "outside voice." When the story broke, naturally people wanted answers.

So Ozzie got back up in front of the cameras and explained that in Venezuela the word is not a reference to a person's sexuality, but to his courage. He said he was saying that Mariotti is "not man enough to meet me and talk about [things before writing them].'' I guess declining to track down Mariotti to share his opinion of him before going public with his comments might make Guillen a Venezuelan fag too. But I'm not sure.

I don't think Guillen should be suspended. But I do think he should be hit with a hefty fine (not Mark Cuban hefty, but substantial non-the-less). In this politically correct world we live in you can't call a talentless attention whore a fag. That's just unacceptable.

I just hope something else happens to turn the attention away from baseball again before Selig is forced to take action yet again. His next move might involve stealing Dwyane Wade's kidney.

Brian Murphy has a man crush on Hall of Famer Sam Huff. Contact him at murf@the5holes.com.