Morons will be morons

Let me start by saying my brother's best friend, Justin, is an idiot. He means well, but sometimes the guy just isn't all there.

Take for example one of his dreams in life. He's been a huge wrestling fan for as long as I've known him, and he would love nothing more than to one day storm the ring at a live show and attempt to "lay the smackdown" on Scott Steiner.

His plan is painfully simple. Get seats as close to the ring as possible and when the walking steroid that is Steiner is in the ring preparing for a match, Justin would jump the dividing wall, slide into the ring and make a run at the man who calls himself Big Poppa Pump.

Let's try to forget that security guards surround the entire ring area just in case someone gets this type of bright idea. And nevermind the fact that if, and that's a big if, Justin did catch all of the security folks off guard, he's still attempting to tackle one of the least stable men on the planet. (Think of Steiner as a crazier version of former St. Louis Rams lunatic Kyle Turley, but with a bodybuilder's physique). Justin swears if he ever gets the chance he'll do it and that he'll knock Steiner on his ass for being such a shitty wrestler for all these years. That's why Justin is a moron (with a borderline death wish).

And that's exactly what came to mind when I heard that Ryan Hill filed a lawsuit against Washington Redskins safety Sean Taylor in Miami Dade Circuit Court last week.

You see, Hill is seeking $15,000 in damages from the budding superstar because of an altercation that took place last June. The lawsuit states that Hill was bruised, incurred medical expenses and lost wages because of a fight between the two. What it doesn't say is that it the only reason the fight occurred was because Hill and his buddies stole a couple all-terrain vehicles from Taylor. The safety figured out these losers had swiped his four wheelers and he went to get them back.

If you believe the lawsuit, Taylor struck Hill with his fists several times, and called him a thief. After the initial fight, Taylor left and returned to the scene with more friends and pointed an assault rifle at Hill.

Hill's attorney, Leonardo Canton, said his client tried to run away, but Taylor and his friends chased him with baseball bats.

Taylor avoided jail time last month by reaching a deal with prosecutors to drop felony charges against him stemming from the fight. He pleaded no contest to two misdemeanors in the assault case and was sentenced to 18 months probation and some community service. Had he been found guilty, Taylor could have spent more than 40 years behind bars, which makes it very difficult to play professional football.

One of the major reasons the case ended the way it did was because the only real witnesses the prosecutor had were Hill and his two loser friends. Not only were your three witnesses crooks, but they're stupid crooks. Since June of last year all three of them have been arrested for … you guessed it … theft. Kind of difficult to make them out to be innocent victims when they're that fucking stupid, huh?

People want to make this about Taylor, and he makes it easier on them because he doesn't always make the best decision himself. As a matter of fact, he's been fined seven times during his professional career for late hits and other infractions, including a $17,000 penalty for spitting in the face of Tampa Bay running back Michael Pittman during the Redskins playoff victory over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers last January. And let's not forget that he was also fined $25,000 for skipping a mandatory rookie symposium.

Although Taylor's track record is clearly not perfect, this story isn't about him. He just happened to be the rich guy in the neighborhood who these losers targeted.

To me, Hill suing Taylor isn't any different than when a student at the University of Idaho attempted to sue the institution over his fall from a third-floor dorm window. This story is great because the kid had been mooning other students when the window gave way. He attempted to blame the university for failing to provide a safe environment for students or to properly warn them of the dangers inherent to upper-story windows. Thankfully, that case was dismissed, and hopefully Hill's lawsuit will be thrown out just as fast.

If this idiot wants to do something that dumb, then he deserves any ass-whooping that comes with the decision. It's the same thing I'd say to Justin if/when he ever makes a run at Scott Steiner. You made your bed, now lie in it (for six to eight weeks while your body heals properly).

Brian Murphy is the 2005 Defense Department's sportswriter of the year. And he still doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. Contact him at murf@the5holes.com.