Cheaters always win

I've officially heard it all. I mean, I've been a sports fan for a long time, and I thought that I had been around the block a time or two, but as of today nothing will ever surprise me again.

For those who don't know, it was announced this week that world-class sprinter Justin Gatlin faces a lifetime ban after failing a drug test back in April. Obviously this is not good news. So now people begin damage control. That's when Gatlin's coach Trevor Graham wanted everyone to know exactly how and why his guy failed the test.

He's not a cheater. And actually, it wasn't even Gatlin's fault he failed the drug test - it was some random massage therapist's fault. According to Graham, Christopher Whetstine is a man with a grudge against one of the fastest men on the planet. He's convinced (and wants you to believe) that Gatlin tested positive after the vengeful massage therapist used testosterone cream on the runner without his knowledge.

That's right, the Olympic and world champion faces a lifetime ban and the loss of the world 100-meter record he tied (Jamaican Asafa Powell's mark of 9.77 seconds in May) one month after the positive test, and the best his coach can come up with is a dirty rub down by a masseur.

At the same time this is going on you've got Tour de France winner Floyd Landis and his unnaturally high testosterone levels. He too failed a drug test. His explanation wasn't nearly as creative as the other though. He just said his body produces a ton of testosterone. Unfortunately for him though, people aren't buying it. The French anti-doping lab that tested Landis' samples determined that some of the hormone came from an external source.

Now, there are a couple things here. First of all - is everyone a cheater these days? I mean, if you're not cheating, are you not trying? And second of all, what ever happened to accountability for your own actions? If you're going to cheat and you get caught, you have to come up with something better than Gatlin and Landis.

If I'm Landis, I'd say, "Okay, you caught me," and then go on to explain that I got lap dances in between each stage of the Tour de France from the hotties who give each stage winner the yellow jersey. That would let people know where the testosterone came from. And besides, aren't you more likely to believe that than "this dude who rubs him down after a long day used testosterone cream on him." Not that there's anything wrong with that.

It doesn't take Brian Billick to figure out that we as a society are tired of cheaters like Gatlin, Landis and almost all of the power hitters over the last decade in Major League Baseball. Because they were so slow to actually begin steroid testing, it's as if a good chunk of our country just decided they were all cheaters and none of the modern-day records should stand. Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire and Rafael Palmeiro went from heroes to villains seemingly overnight because they lost our trust. Fans just got tired of the bullshit.

At some point it doesn't matter how good you are - this is what happens if you ruin the integrity of the games we love and get caught. We're willing to forgive Ray Lewis for his off the field actions, but dammit if you take a shot in the ass to help you hit a ball further you've crossed the lines. I know it's silly, but I don't make the rules.

And how much does character truly matter? I mean honestly, does anyone care if their team's superstar is a genuine "good guy" or an asshole?

Terrell Owens will always have a job. That's because there's always going to be a team willing to throw money his way because he's talented enough that they're willing to overlook the fact that he's a cancer. He is selfish. He is delusional. He is a crybaby. But because he can give a team 10 - 15 touchdowns a year teams are willing to put up with his drama.

Come to think of it - that sounds familiar. Substitute the name Owens for murf, change out his team name this month to HoboTrashcan and that's about right. I'm a delusional selfish crybaby, but because I can give 10 - 15 solid columns a year management has to put up with me ... even if I refuse to type my own columns (that's what interns are for).

Brian Murphy is the 2005 Defense Department's sportswriter of the year. And he still doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. Contact him at murf@the5holes.com.