Not so risky business

Just when you think you've officially seen it all, something else pops up and catches you off guard.

What do former Baltimore Orioles outfielder/steroid user Brady Anderson, current Baltimore Ravens quarterback/failure Kyle Boller, former wrestling babe Stacy Keibler, singer Nick Lachey and Jamie-Lynn Sigler's ex-husband, A.J. DiScala, all have in common? They're starting a basketball team. Okay, stop laughing. I'm serious. Read that list again (and yes, Keibler might be the tallest of the bunch).

Thankfully, they're not planning on playing basketball. They're just dumping some of their money into the Hollywood Fame, a new team that will join the American Basketball Association this November. I think this is secretly a reality show, like when they make the kids on The Real World get a summer job or something. I would be extremely disappointed if these "celebrities" just put money into the team and then let professional basketball types actually run the team. Think about it - each person could have a specific role with the franchise.

Anderson and Boller could evaluate each player's appearance - with Brady on sideburns duty and Kyle manning the hair gel/blow dryer station. Keibler could work with the cheerleaders, since she used to be a Ravens cheerleader herself (See Kyle, not all pretty faces in Baltimore are lost causes). DiScala could be in charge of bringing in singers for the national anthem and Lachey could just make sure hottie Vanessa Minnillo is at all the games.

Please note I'm voting to keep Lachey away from the musical side of things. No one knows who he is because he's singer - they only know him because of the dumb, hot chicks that he somehow ends up with. And speaking of his dumb, hot chicks, did you hear Jessica Simpson is dating John Mayer? Now I know why people give my wife and I funny looks when we're out together. Some girls really are out of our league. But I digress.

I know people from Hollywood dig sports, that's why Nelly can be part of the ownership group of the Charlotte Bobcats and Jay-Z can do the same with the New Jersey Nets. But at what point should someone step in and put a stop to these two worlds intertwining? I think I have the answer.

Last week it was announced that Paramount Pictures was ending their 14-year relationship with actor Tom Cruise because ... well ... because he's fucking crazy. Sumner Redstone, chairman of Paramount's owner Viacom Inc., spoke about Cruise last week, calling the star's erratic off-screen behavior inappropriate and said that his salary demands are out of whack in an industry struggling to make money these days. Translation: we pay you way too much money for you to be running around trying to convert people to Scientology and hiding your "baby." Stop jumping on couches and get back to doing good movies (at a cheaper rate).

So Tom was out of a job. Well, for a couple days at least. And then the craziest thing happened - The Danny came to save the day. Cruise announced a two-year financing deal with First & Goal, LLC, which is headed up by Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder. With the signing of the deal, two of the most valuable little guys in our country have united.

It seems like only yesterday The Danny was acquiring Six Flags after turning the keys over to Hall of Fame coach Job Gibbs. So I guess if the movie business falls through with Cruise, he could always get a gig as a theme park actor. Hell, maybe Six Flags could even get a Mission: Impossible rollercoaster. The possibilities are endless. But that's also the scary part. The possibilities are endless.

What if Cruise wants to become involved with the Redskins? I didn't even like him as a sports agent, why would I want him to be a part owner with my favorite football team? I've spent years defending The Danny.

Sure, he was meddlesome in the early stages, but now he's got the most qualified coaching staff in sports running the show so he's had time to find himself a hobby or two. But if he makes new friends like Tom Cruise and they want to get in on the most valuable franchise in American sports history ... well ... I just can't let that happen. The Dallas Cowboys, fine. But not my Redskins.

The Danny failed once when he thought the walking prima donna that is Deion Sanders could rekindle his magic in DC. I just can't let this storied franchise go through that kind of embarrassment again. I think it's clear what I have to do. I must kill Maverick.

Brian Murphy is the 2005 Defense Department's sportswriter of the year. And he still doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. Contact him at murf@the5holes.com.