Chick presidents

Originally I was going to devote this week's column to setting the record straight after reading Marie's fantasy football article. After all, she did not seek my permission to write about sports on HoboTrashcan, which is clearly a stipulation in my contract.

However, by the time I made it through her column, I simply gave up. I figured blasting her would be roughly akin to slamming a little girl for saying she wants to grow up to be the president - neither know what the hell they're talking about, but it's harmless and cute that they're trying.

Instead, I'll pat Marie on the head and share with you 10 things I've figured out about the National Football League this season.

1. The Tuna hates his life. No one can honestly say they thought Terrell Owens would kill himself. I mean, T.O.'s ego could never allow himself to cause bodily harm to such a wonderful sculpted frame. That would mean all those sit-ups in the driveway were for naught. But Bill Parcells … that's a different story. If he could go home right now, he would in a heartbeat. He's got a new player who has been both disappointing and an asshole in Owens (talk about déjà vu) and a new player who has been both disappointing and an asshole in kicker Mike Vanderjagt (talk about déjà vu).

And if that's not enough, he's got an offensive line that routinely finds itself overmatched and a statue of a former quarterback planted in the pocket. If The Tuna thought he could stomach another season of this crap, don't you think he'd turn the keys over to back-up Tony Romo? He's trying to win now, so he can get away and forget all of the drama in Big D.

2. The Chicago Bears and New England Patriots will fail in the postseason. Look, I don't blame them for playing in really shitty divisions. But it's next to impossible for either team to be ready for the playoffs when they get six free wins because they're fortunate enough to play against bowl-eligible creampuffs like Green Bay University or Buffalo State.

3. There aren't 10 reliable QBs in football. Tom Brady, Donovan McNabb, Carson Palmer, Drew Brees and Peyton and Eli Manning are it. Maybe Matt Hasselbeck will remember he's good too, but otherwise, that's it. Sadly, with 32 teams in the league, guys like Joey Harrington, Jon Kitna, and whoever is fumbling the snap in Oakland call themselves starters. Every father in America should be working six hours a day with little junior in the yard to have him become the next Super Bowl winning quarterback. Which reminds me …

4. God hates Ben Roethlisberger. You see, Big Ben never made it into the endzone during the Super Bowl last year. But because the NFL referees are incompetent, the touchdown counted - even after a review. So as payback, God has done everything he can to kill Roethlisberger. First he sent a nice, old church lady to gun him down while joyriding on his motorcycle. And then when she didn't get the job done, The Big Man Upstairs killed Big Ben's appendix. Now, he's opted to go the slow and painful route - watching the Steelers QB go 0-3, with zero touchdowns and seven interceptions this season. Forget about the Sophomore Slump - this is a Junior Jihad.

5. Steve McNair is a black version of Mark Brunell. Face the facts, the Baltimore Ravens overpaid for an over-the-hill quarterback no one else wanted. They were hoping to upgrade the position with a savvy veteran QB who was a proven winner, but ultimately they got a broken down, non-mobile player who looked better in his previous uniform. At least they're coached by the smartest man in the room.

6. The grass is not always greener. Name one receiver who went from being a number-two guy on one team to a big-time star on another. You can't, because it never happens. Alvin Harper, Gary Clark, Peerless Price and everyone else were great because they had someone else lining up opposite of them who defenses focused on. This is why Reggie Wayne may be the smartest guy in football (well, next to Brian Billick). He knew that he would flop without Marvin Harrison as the possession receiver. So he got enough money to last him a lifetime and stayed in the city where he's already considered a star.

This same line of thinking also applies to running backs. Free agent Edgerrin James took Arizona's money and didn't think twice when he headed out of Indy. The only problem is the Cardinals don't have a single offensive lineman worth a damn. He's now averaging 3.1 yards per carry and voicing his frustrations to anyone who'll listen.

7. Jeremy Shockey is overrated - write that down. Even if this asshat knew what he was talking about, and I'm not ready to concede that point just yet, what gives him the right to show up his coach by bitching to the media? A real man, and more importantly, a team player handles team business "in house." Of course, we're talking about the guy who once called himself the "Anna Kournikova of the NFL," whatever that means. For the record, it should be noted that one week after calling out Giants head dictator Tom Coughlin, Shockey proved his worth by finishing the day with more penalties than catches against the Redskins.

8. Reggie Bush will not win rookie of the year. I realize that the NFL wants the kid to succeed to the point that they're playing him up as a savior in post-Katrina Louisiana, but there are much better rookies in the Class of 2006. For starters, Bush's seventh-round teammate, wide out Marques Colston, has been the feel-good story of the year. And he didn't make millions in illegal money in college. At least, as far as we know.

9. The replay system does not work. I don't know if adopting the college replay system is the answer. I just know that the current system is shit. There shouldn't be situations that aren't up for review. Ruling a guy down by contact, therefore even though he fumbled his team gets the ball back is ridiculous. That just means he's getting rewarded because NFL referees, by in large, are incompetent.

10. Joe Buck hates America. Okay, so I didn't actually come up with this. It was on a sign during the FOX pregame show a Sunday or two ago. But truth be told, it's true. And more importantly, America hates that smarmy little bastard. My brother and I just cannot figure out why the big wigs at FOX opted to replace the wonderfully talented James Brown with Uncle Buck. Curt Menafee (a.k.a. – the guy who hosts the last 10 minutes of the pregame show while Joe Buck goes to sit on Troy Aikman's lap) is more than adequate. With Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long and Helmet Hair already on set you don't need a smug prick trying out his comedy routine - you need someone willing to take a backseat while ready to steer the conversation from topic to topic. So please, send Joe Buck back to his toolbox. Or baseball.

Brian Murphy is the 2005 Defense Department's sportswriter of the year. And he still doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. Contact him at murf@the5holes.com.