Tis' the season

As you may or may not know, I'm married now. That, of course, changes many aspects of my life. My one-year anniversary is right around Thanksgiving, and it's safe to say I have to do well with that first anniversary present.

Well, while I've been out searching for the perfect gift for my wife, I've also been trying to think ahead for the first time in my life, which means not waiting until one week before Christmas to shop for my loved ones. Unfortunately I think my plan has backfired on me - I'm no closer to buying an anniversary gift, but I've found about a thousand different Christmas possibilities, some of which I wanted to share with you. So without further adieu, here are some of the can't miss gifts I'm looking to buy for those closest to me:

An Indianapolis Colts wind breaker. This thing costs a pretty penny and is easily the talk of the town. Unfortunately, it doesn't actually get the job done in January.

Limited edition 2007 Shaquille O'Neal Dodge Stratus. The biggest difference from this year's model is that it's definitely bulkier than previous versions, and come to think of it, having a diesel engine in a grocery-getter might be a little counterproductive. But on the plus side, it actually gets great gas mileage because it coasts for what seems like months at a time. I swear, you think you're burning fuel, but really the car feels like it's just going through the motions.

Craig Stadler autographed photo. Okay, my dad looks like a professional golfer nicknamed "The Walrus." So what? Don't judge us. Some family members don't get to see dad as often as they'd like. This will be a nice substitute.

Terrell Owens "footy" pajamas. For the business professional who has trouble falling asleep in meetings, while attempting to reel in a game-winning 70-yard touchdown or even in the driveway after a long set of sit-ups. These satin threads are guaranteed to cause a distraction ... er ... make a difference come bedtime. If you wear the pajamas and still cannot fall asleep, simply swallow an entire bottle of pills and call a publicist/hair dresser.

Kenny Rogers pinetar ball and glove set. To be honest, I only saw this deal for a moment on a television informercial. It seemed like a great gift idea, Rogers stepped in and knocked over the camera man when they tried to zoom in close and show the product. Maybe I should just stick with the Kenny Rogers ‘roid rage cream instead.

Mark Brunell archery set. It's deadly accurate from nine yards or less.

Barry Bonds body armor. The box actually says, "Not just for the batter's box anymore." I hope Bonds uses the product he endorses next season with him seemingly a lock to leave the friendly confines of the Bay area.

Chris Simms' spleen. What? He's not using it.

Dante Culpepper gloves. It's funny, these only come in child sizes and if you wear them while playing in a friendly neighborhood football game you're guaranteed to fumble the ball. But on the bright side, they go great with …

Jake Plummer sunglasses. Admittedly, it takes a while to get used to the homeless man's beard attached to the frame of the glasses. But once you're able to work through that, these puppies are great. The salesman told me any "Regular Joe" can magically be transformed into the next "Jake the Snake" while wearing these high-tech sunglasses, and he wasn't kidding. I tried them on and was instantly color blind.

Jeff Gordon toilet paper.This extra soft toilet paper comes in a rainbow of colors and is a dream come true for any man who likes to sit down when he pees.

Tiki Barber replica jersey. Little known fact: as of the 2006 season, this jersey only comes in women's sizes. It seems that when a running back says he doesn't mind coming out in the redzone so someone else can take all the bumps and bruises, and then that same running back plans to retire because his wife is worried about his long-term health that even the NFL draws the line at marketing such a soft player to men. Hey, maybe they can do a Jeff Gordon/Tiki Barber discount special ...

Brian Murphy is the 2005 Defense Department's sportswriter of the year. And he still doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. Contact him at murf@the5holes.com.