What you talkin' about?

The world we live in no longer makes sense, and that's probably because the majority of the people living in it have lost their damned minds.

I mean, I've officially seen it all.

Remember school-girl Britney Spears? The hottie with the pigtails dancing in that video we all muted. Neither do I. All we've got now is a fat and bald Britney who this very moment is either trying to hang herself in rehab (again), impale photographers with an umbrella (again) or remember what she did with her only pair of underwear (again). That Kevin Federline slack-ass looks like parent of the year compared to her.

And remember good ol' Dave Thomas, the founder of Wendy's? Well, thankfully he's passed away, because I'm not sure he could handle the news when someone broke it to him that his fast-food chain has decided to advertise their new sandwiches to the tune of "Blister in the Sun" by the Violent Femmes. Somehow I just don't think Dave would be on board with selling chicken sandwiches to a song about masturbation. But maybe that's just me.

I don't do politics, but if I did, I'd mention Hillary Clinton here. No one liked her (including her husband) the first time around, but she's somehow getting enough support to make a run to become the first female president of the United States. I think people are willing to vote for her just to see what kind of fun her hubby, Slick Willy, would get himself into as the "First Man." But that still means Hillary would be the president. Trust me, it's not worth it.

So it should come as no surprise that the current retardation of our society has found its way to the world of sports too. LeBron James doesn't want the ball in his hands with the game on the line, Dwyane Wade needs to be wheel-chaired off the court because of a shoulder problem and Kobe Bryant drops more flagrant elbows than Macho Man Randy Savage in his prime. And that's just the three biggest names in basketball.

In football, things are worse. Much worse. It used to be that this time of year you could count on several constants – baseball's spring training, college basketball's March Madness, Daylight Savings Time and the Washington Redskins going overboard in the first week of free agency. Well, three out of four ain't bad.

The Redskins, for the second time in three years have opted to basically sit on their hands while the rest of the league overpays for mediocre talent. The only two players they've acquired are hand-picked upgrades who the coaching staff has worked with in the past. Middle linebacker London Fletcher comes over from the Buffalo Bills to reunite with defensive guru Gregg Williams and "Love Boat Captain" Fred Smoot will now once again dock his vessel at Redskins Park, after two less-than-memorable years in Moose Knuckle, Minnesota. That's it. No square pegs to fit in round holes. No additional safeties signed to the punter's personal security detail. Just two very logical moves to shore up an underachieving defense. If they keep this up Len Pasquarelli is gonna be out of a job.

And while The Danny and his ‘Skins are spending money on burger joints instead of bad free agents, the rest of the league is throwing around signing bonuses and $20 million guaranteed like they're paying in Monopoly money. Take, for example, the Buffalo Bills.

You may remember their owner Ralph Wilson as the guy who voted against the new collective bargaining agreement because he "didn't understand it." It seems that the 88-year old had trouble keeping up when they started talking too fast and using big words during the final stages of the meeting (which shouldn't surprise anyone – after all, he did go to the University of Virginia and everyone knows Cavs aren't that bright). But even though Mr. Magoo isn't really sure what's going on in the NFL these days it hasn't stopped him from throwing around a staggering amount of money for an organization Wilson often refers to as a "small-market team."

On the first day of free agency, the Bills signed three offensive linemen – Derrick Dockery, Langston Walker and Jason Whittle. That wouldn't really be news if not for the fact that they gave Dockery a seven-year deal worth $49 million and includes $18.5 million in guaranteed money. When I first saw the headline I honestly thought it was a mistake – how does the fourth-best offensive linemen in Washington land a $49-million deal? I mean, did Mr. Magoo think he was getting Pro Bowler Chris Samuels too? It's just baffling.

I would be willing to look past the total amount of the contract if I thought for a second the Bills knew what they were doing. I mean, some times teams have to overspend a little bit to get quality players to come in. But, of course, that's not the case here. The Bills just don't have a clue.

What would be the most logical move after revamping their offensive line? Oh, I don't know, how about anything but trading away their best player? The Bills traded their one true offensive star, running back Willis McGahee, to Baltimore for a couple draft picks. Now they've got a so-so quarterback (J.P. Losman), one solid receiver (Lee Evans) and no running back (No one). So tell me again why they spent so much on a new offensive line? Who exactly are they hoping to protect?

No wonder McGahee said in an interview that the team might be better of in Toronto. Canadians wouldn't know any better. They're too busy watching hockey and Bryan Adams videos. But don't feel sorry for Willis, he's off to play for a true Super Bowl contender next year. Hell, if I were in his shoes, I'd be willing to forgo Man Law #1 too (guys don't wear purple) if it meant getting away from an organization as clueless as the Bills.

Brian Murphy is the 2005 Defense Department's sportswriter of the year. And he still doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. Contact him at murf@the5holes.com.