When it comes crashing down

People are idiots.

The other day I decided to hit up Chipotle for lunch. For those not familiar, it's basically a Mexican restaurant that's set up like Subway (only the food doesn't suck). I ordered a steak burrito and moved on down the assembly line ready to tell them what I want crammed into that beautiful slice of heaven.

If you can't tell, I'm a big fan of the Chipotle. I don't get to eat there very often, but when I do, I enjoy it. So now I'm savoring one of the few precious moments in my life where I'm actually in a good mood. These are noteworthy occasions that aren't to be taken lightly (just ask my wife).

All is well in my universe … well … until the twit behind me orders her lunch.

She scans the menu board, looks at the employee, flashes a half smile and then orders a vegetarian burrito bowl. I couldn't believe my ears. I mean, she ordered a burrito with no meat and no tortilla.

Are you kidding me?!? How is that even on the goddamned menu? They plop some veggies into a bowl on a bed of rice and this lady thinks she's eating Mexican food. Needless to say my happy-time lunch was ruined. It took everything I had not to hit her square in her prissy face and tell her to take her minivan down the street and order a fucking McSalad.

Is nothing sacred in this world? Along those same lines, Sports Illustrated and The Associated Press reported this week that the names of 11 professional wrestlers have joined the list of athletes linked to a nationwide steroid investigation. They went on to say that the Jewish community is good with money, black people don't like to swim and white people love bumper stickers.

Okay, maybe I made up one or two of those headlines, but seriously, is there a person in the world who can honestly say that the thought of a professional wrestler using performance-enhancing drugs is the least bit surprising?

I hate to break it to you, but Vince McMahon, World Wrestling Entertainment's chairman of the board, admitted to using steroids back in the 80's, went on trial way back in 1994 for allegedly giving his wrestlers steroids and the prosecution even forced Hulk Hogan to testify in the trial. So this isn't exactly groundbreaking.

The names listed include Kurt Angle, Randy Orton, Edge, Rey Mysterio Jr., The Hurricane and the late Eddie Guerrero from the world of professional wrestling, as well as baseball's Jose Canseco, Gary Matthews Jr., John Rocker, Jerry Hairston Jr. and David Bell, former heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield, Pittsburgh Steelers doctor Richard Rydze and bodybuilder Victor Martinez.

After reading the SI.com article, you really have to give it to Randy Orton. I mean, when the kid commits to doing something, he gives 100 percent. Orton allegedly received eight prescriptions for six different drugs – stanozolol, nandrolone, anastrozole, Clomiphene citrate, oxandrolone and testosterone – between March and August of 2004. Orton is clearly a guy who isn't afraid to try new things.

Now Vince McMahon is about a week away from involving himself in a WrestleMania match where either he or Donald Trump will have to shave their head, so he's not one who typically worries about negative press. But even McMahon realizes that being lumped with losers like Jose Canseco and John Rocker isn't a good thing, so the WWE released the following statement:

"All of the allegations set forth in a recent SI.com article mentioning WWE predate the initiation of WWE's current Talent Wellness Program. This WWE program prohibits the use of performance enhancing drugs, as well as other prescription drugs which can be abused, if taken for other than a legitimate medical purpose pursuant to a valid prescription from a licensed and treating physician. For purposes of WWE's policy, prescriptions obtained over the Internet and/or from suppliers of prescription drugs from the Internet are not considered to have been given for a legitimate medical purpose."

Now here's my question – who cares? We're talking about grown men who beat the hell out of each other while wearing silly costumes in pre-scripted scenarios. Do we really need to stop the presses to ensure that these men aren't taking anything that would help them get an edge against their opponent? I mean, if they're booked to lose that night, then they still lose – steroids or not. So why are they even relevant to a story focusing on legitimate sports?

It's okay to take preventive measures against professional athletes who attempt to use performance-enhancing substances in order to gain an unfair advantage. I'm all for slamming Barry Bonds or Shawne Merriman if they're caught cheating. But we're talking about professional wrestlers – this should be treated no different than an actor like Sylvester Stallone getting caught at an airport with illegal substances.

If it's against the law, charge them. But don't pretend to be shocked and appalled because a professional wrestler like Randy Orton does whatever he can to keep himself in the spotlight. Don't hate him. Embrace him for going the extra distance, for you, the fans. Well, as long as he doesn't order a meat-less, tortilla-less burrito.

Brian Murphy is the 2005 Defense Department's sportswriter of the year. And he still doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. Contact him at murf@the5holes.com.