America loves drama

Not too long ago, I wrote a column about my life falling apart after I turned 30. While my age did play a significant role in my problems, I realized that many of them weren't limited solely to that milestone. As it turns out, most of my worries were coming from outside sources, so I decided to take charge of the situation and recently instituted a new "no drama" policy.

Basically I announced to the world that I was done playing games and being part of the high school bullshit that can weigh a person down. Think of me as Ron Livingston's character in Office Space, only with some anger and rage thrown in for good measure.

No more co-workers trying to sabotage my professional career. No more suffering through hour-long guilt trips from family members. No more watching my alcoholic friends pull a "Mel Gibson" and cause a scene in the bar parking lot at 2 a.m. Plain and simple, I'm done with it all.

I don't know if it's because reality TV has everyone convinced they should have a camera on them or what, but far too many people thrive off of that nonsense and I just can't handle it anymore. From this point on I'm hanging up, walking away or just plain avoiding any and all drama - not just for my sanity, but also for my health. This stuff will kill you, and I'm not going down like that. Don't believe me?

Take, for example, the story of Mary J. Blige and TLC. Blige had her priorities in life right and sang the smash-hit, "No More Drama." The ladies of TLC instead chose to sing about "No Scrubs," a song dedicated to causing drama and harassing deadbeats. Since then, Mary J. has gone on to become a six-time Grammy award winner and one of the biggest names in music today, while two of the three girls from TLC are homeless and the third, ironically enough, died "hanging out the passenger side of her best friend's ride, trying to holla at me." While this shows karma is a powerful bitch, it also clearly illustrates what drama can do to ruin a person.

Now, just because I don't want them in my life doesn't mean I can't secretly enjoy drama queens and attention whores in the world of professional sports. And truth be told, I love to wallow in other people's misery, so my attitude towards drama in the NFL is the more, the merrier.

Let me say up front, I'm enjoying the NFL's "offseason" as much as any in recent history. There has been no shortage of drama, and almost none of it has to do with anything that goes on during an actual football game.

Adam "Pacman" Jones fails to mention to his employer, the Tennessee Titans, that he was arrested twice last year. Needless to say, when the team and the league find this out, they were naturally unhappy with the young cornerback. That's when Roger Goodell, the league commissioner, summons Pacman to New York in an attempt to scare the young man straight before he kills himself or someone else. So what does Jones do? He swings by a New York strip club the night before his face-to-face with the commish where he promises he's a changed man who has learned from his mistakes. It's safe to say that Goodell probably won't be lifting Pacman's yearlong suspension any time soon.

Speaking of suspensions, how smart was it for pot-loving RB Ricky Williams to fail a drug test right before he was supposed to meet with Goodell to request permission to return from a yearlong drug suspension? The Heisman-Trophy-winner-turned-yoga-instructor still owes the Miami Dolphins more than $8 million after he walked out on them a couple years ago. Now he can't even get back into the league to earn money to support his habit. What a shame.

Then there's Atlanta Falcons QB Mike Vick, who apparently is a big fan of Method Man. In addition to being the most famous member of the Wu-Tang Clan, Method Man is also an actor who appears on the best television show today, The Wire.

On the show, Meth plays a low-level thug named Cheese, who enjoys participating in dog fighting. Not to be outdone, Vick owns a home in Surry County, Virginia, where 70 pit bulls were seized because they were involved in ... you guessed it ... dog fighting. While Vick denies knowing anything about it, eye witnesses and possible video evidence suggest otherwise. This story is far from over, but I wouldn't be surprised if it ends with Vick imitating another Method Man role, as a prisoner on the show, Oz.

And finally, we have Green Bay Packers QB Brett Favre, who up until this year only annoyed us with his annual "will he or won't he" retirement bullshit. Now, he's crying because the Packers didn't trade for Randy Moss, a diva receiver who hasn't been good since Jeff George was his quarterback. You're the quarterback, not the general manager, Brett. Whether you think "There's Something About Randy" or not, he's on a honeymoon in New England now, so get over it. If you don't like the team, then take your ball and go home. Otherwise, drop the drama and play with the hand you're dealt. I swear, you give a guy one small cameo at the end of a movie a decade ago and all of the sudden he thinks the world revolves around him. I blame Ben Stiller - if he was funny none of this would be happening.

So I invite all of you to join me in a drama-free life. Why should you suffer when you can sit back, pop a cold one and watch NFL players ruin their lives with self-inflicted retardation?

Brian Murphy is the 2005 Defense Department's sportswriter of the year. And he still doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. Contact him at murf@the5holes.com.