What's in a headline?

Some mornings you wake up, and you know that it's not going to be a good day. That's normally because you're stumbling out of bed an hour and a half late knowing you had an important meeting with one of the big wigs that started 45 minutes ago. We've all been "lucky" enough to have a morning start off like that.

Other mornings, you find out right off the bat that you're in store for a great day. For me, a guy who has spent the last 13 years as a writer, those days normally come as I'm reading the headlines in the newspaper as I eat my breakfast. I've been doing this long enough that I typically don't read articles – I just scan the headlines and look for something to catch my eye. And truth be told, over the years I've made a game out of it by reading the headline and attempting to guess what the article is about.

Take for example this beauty of a headline: "Vick apologizes to Falcons owner Blank." This is what we, in the biz, call a timeless classic. When I see a headline like that it instantly puts a smile on my face as I attempt to guess the story. It could have been used last year after the quarterback flipped off the home crowd in Atlanta or maybe after a "mix up" in an airport involving a water bottle with a secret compartment. But this time, my local newspaper dusted it off for Vick's dogfighting shenanigans. So needless to say, I enjoy the four or five times each year when I come across that headline.

The next headline to catch my eye was: "Player says steroid use in golf exists." So I immediately try to guess which player is the focal point of the article – is it Phil Mickelson because he keeps melting down and by calling everyone else a cheater it makes him feel a little better about himself? Or is it possible John Daly started drinking again and began thinking outloud while sitting at the bar during happy hour? Or did someone just happen to see Barry Bonds on a golf course during a day off? The possibilities are endless.

Sadly, none of those guesses were correct. It was only Gary Player, a once relevant golfer who basically says "a guy told me that he uses steroids, but made me promise not to tell." So not only is the Johannesburg, South Africa native raising a fuss about nothing, he's also a shitty friend. If you're not supposed to tell, then how did the Associated Press find out about it? Either you tell on him because you love the game and don't want to see someone trying to cheat or you're a good friend who keeps his mouth shut. But you can't try to play both sides of the fence -- you'll just end up pissing off everyone.

And besides, I hate to break it to you Gary, but your friend is a moron. We live in a world where "Tiger proofing" exists. Your buddy isn't going to be rewarded for taking steroids, he's going to overdrive the hole and end up out of bounds with a double bogey. Golfers need accuracy, not distance, these days. Let him stay on the juice and then start eating his clubs when he rages out because he keeps getting a six on every par three.

Up next on my sports page was another regular headline: "Sheffield races to play card." This should come as no surprise to sports fans since, you know, we never hear about Gary Sheffield when he's actually playing baseball. The only question then becomes who is Sheffield targeting in his "the world is against me because I'm black" tirade this time? A former teammate? An umpire? A waiter from the Applebee's who only gave him one refill on his beverage? The sky is the limit when it's time to guess who Sheffield feels slighted against this week.

Fortunately the focal point this week is only Joe Torre, the classy manager from the Yankees. I say fortunately because Torre has been around the game long enough that 99 percent of the people who hear this know that Sheffield is talking out of his ass and that Torre isn't racist. But chances are the media (especially in a tabloid-centric market like New York) will run with this to the point that it'll cause enough of a distraction to the Yankees and prevent them from doing much of anything the second half of the season. And everyone knows by now that life is better when the Yankees aren't winning.

Brian Murphy is the 2005 Defense Department's sportswriter of the year. And he still doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. Contact him at murf@the5holes.com.