The fix is in

This is not the best time for the world of professional sports. For every feel good moment, like Cal Ripken Jr. and Tony Gwynn being inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame there are 10 not-so-great issues, like anything involving Barry Bonds or Mike Vick.

I always have been and always will be a diehard sports fan, but it'd be nice to be able to use sports as a distraction from all the drama and bullshit that goes on in the rest of the world. I mean, people just want to watch a baseball game without worrying which batters are juiced on which chemicals. And lord knows people want to watch a football game without having to think about whether or not the face of their local franchise kills animals as a hobby.

But I'm not a guy who just sits back and whines about what's wrong with the world. I'm a problem solver. So the focus of my column this week will be to fix what is wrong with the world of professional sports today.

We'll start with the big daddy of them all, the National Football League. The NFL might as well start printing their own money because they have no problems bringing in a consistent cash flow. And while Paul Tagliabue was a very good commissioner, all indications are that Roger Goodell and his take-no-prisoners approach are perfect for our country's premiere sports league. A year ago we saw the Ohio police department using a Bengals program to identify crooks in Cincinnati and it was readily apparent there was a problem. Now, these billion-dollar babies know that if they get in trouble there will be consequences and that's good for everyone involved.

But what can the NFL do better? For starters, the league can stop being greedy and forget the idea of global expansion. Explain how one second you can fold NFL Europe, and the next you're sending teams back over there to play regular season games abroad. And this isn't a one-time gimmick, league officials envision a day when every team play at least one game overseas per season.

Well I'm going to let you in on a little secret - the rest of the world doesn't care. They like soccer (not that there's anything wrong with that). You're just now getting a handle on the situation stateside, with players unable to stay out of the police blotter during the offseason or even bye weeks. Why send a guy like Pacman Jones to Amsterdam when an international incident would be a given?

Another quick note for the NFL, stop giving out such large chunks of guaranteed money to rookies. Fix the salary system for rookie pay to be more in line with the NBA. Give first round draft picks a three-year, salary-slotted deal that is worth a total of the $20 million you're guaranteeing these guys. If they play well, then they get the big bucks. If they're a bust, then the team is protected. How is Pro Bowl safety Sean Taylor supposed to feel when rookie safety LaRon Landry is making more money than one of the hardest hitters in the league without ever stepping onto the field? Take care of your veteran players and explain to the rookies that as long as they produce, the money will be there when the time is right.

Major League Baseball's issues are easy - first and foremost, the league needs to fire commissioner Bud Selig. He's been in the driver's seat for the entire steroid era (of course he's been reading a book or talking on his cell phone instead of keeping both hands on the wheel and focusing on driving, but that's another story). Bonds will break the homerun record any day now and Selig is pissed, even threatening to no-show when Barry breaks the sport's most monumental record. My question is simple, why wait until now to do something? You were in charge when the rampant steroid use was going on, so why be appalled now? Go find yourself a Roger Goodell-type replacement and people may believe that baseball really does want to clean up its act.

My second suggestion for baseball is a fun one. I'd like to see Major League Baseball adopt the same format as some of the premiere soccer leagues worldwide. Have the American League be the equivalent of the Italian Serie A league and the National League would be Serie B. This is the next best solution since half the league isn't actually competitive and no one in baseball wants a salary cap.

Teams that spend money and put out competitive products, like the New York Yankees and Mets, the Chicago Cubs and White Sox and the Los Angeles Dodgers and Angels would all be in the American League. Teams like the Washington Nationals, Pittsburgh Pirates and Tampa Bay Devil Rays would be demoted to the National League until they either spend some money to get actual players or have enough talent in their scouting department to make up for their shitty owners. What's not to love?

Obviously there's a flaw with the National Basketball Association, and I'm not talking about one crooked referee. Something's just not right when you see the Phoenix Suns trade two first round draft picks for a salary-cap exemption and a second-round pick. Or how about when you see articles declaring a cancer like Steve Francis an "asset" because he's in the final year of his contract and would give his new team salary cap space?

Basketball needs to adopt the NFL's policy of not having guaranteed contracts. I admit, I'm not totally opposed to seeing a team suffer because it signed Zach Randolph or Mark Blount to a terrible contract. But if you're a New York Knicks fan these days you have to be on board with what I'm suggesting because it'd be better to cut your starting five now and start from scratch rather than to wait until each of these albatrosses and locker room cancers is in the final year of their over-inflated deals to get them off the books. And don't even get me started on buying out deals - paying someone $17 million to have them not play for your team. That's just plain ridiculous.

The NHL needs to get a real television contract and switch to the Olympic-sized rink. Opening up the game more gives your young superstars like Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin room to make highlight-worthy plays and having a TV deal gives casual sports fans a chance to see those highlights (what a novel concept).

As for the rest of the world, the Tour De France should just embrace what it is and legalize all drugs and performance-enhancing substances. You could even go one step further and play it up like professional wrestling - having the good guys be the clean riders, while the bad guys would have stage names like "Benny Bonds" or "Mick McGwire" and throw tacks on the road to slow down the rest of the competition.

You could even have angles during the races where riders switch allegiances like in professional wrestling. How cool would it be to see two riders suddenly lock hands and clothesline a fellow good guy when he tried to pass them? The duo would then rip off their good guy shirts to show that they've secretly been working for the bad guys for days. It may not fix all of the sport's issues, but at least people would care about bicycle racing.

And since I mentioned professional wrestling, I'll give them some advice too. I know World Wrestling Entertainment isn't really a sports league, but the WWE keeps showing up on my sports pages because of the Chris Benoit deal. The best thing Vince McMahon and his buddies can do is to go sign all of the troublemakers like Pacman Jones and Mike Vick. Its easy publicity for McMahon and makes people stop focusing on questions like "Why do wrestlers keep dying at such a young age?"

And besides, you're telling me that Pacman and Ron Mexico wouldn't be a helluva tag team? Crowds would go nuts while Jones and Mexico "make it rain" on their way down to the ring while listening to "Who let the dogs out." Vick's already a natural at "flipping the bird" to the home crowd and knows all about airports, so get him signed and on the road immediately. Pacman might not legally be allowed to cross state lines, but we can work through those issues when we get there.

These suggestions might not cure everything that ails the professional sports landscape, but it would sure make everything more entertaining when you open up your Sunday morning newspaper.

Brian Murphy is the 2005 Defense Department's sportswriter of the year. And he still doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. Contact him at murf@the5holes.com.