Kiss my asphalt

As a lifelong sports nut I'm saddened to admit that until last week I had never attended a NASCAR race in person. I've casually paid attention to the sport over the years - keeping up with the headlines and watching the Daytona 500, but that's been about the extent of it. Until now. After a day at the Richmond International Raceway taking in the Chevy Rock and Roll 400 up close and personal, I can say that I'm a fan for life. Here are 10 reasons why I love the sport and you should too.

1.America loves drama. We are a nation of people who cannot help rubbernecking at an intersection just to see how bad an accident is. Got juicy office drama? Where do I sign up? Bottom line, we live in a society made for drama queens.

That's why I'm here to tell you that the Dale Jr.-Teresa Earnhardt feud is the kind of tabloid "he said, she said" drama that people cannot get enough of. All that's missing is a photo in the bottom corner of the page with Britney Spears in a bad wig making out with yet another gay guy and this would sell millions of copies of Us Weekly.

For those who may not know, Teresa is the president and chief executive officer of Dale Earnhardt, Inc., making her the first woman in NASCAR history to own a team. Dale Jr. is the sports most famous face, which is why he appears in Budweiser commercials with Jay-Z and no one even blinks an eye. Well, in May, Junior announced he'd be leaving DEI because his stepmother wouldn't hand over 51 percent of the company. One month later, the most prized free agent in NASCAR history announced he'd be joining Hendrick Motorsports in 2008. DEI countered by saying Dale Jr. could leave, but they're keeping his #8 car. Earnhardt Jr. said negotiations broke down when Teresa asked for part of the licensing revenue, along with wanting the number back after he retired.

"Just ridiculous kind of requests," Earnhardt Jr. said. "We just wanted the number, but I was willing to give the number back when I was done driving. I wouldn't have any use for it personally."

Junior best comments came last week when he said that Teresa is unable to move on after his father's death and that she's scared to let go of anything, including the #8 car - even though Dale Jr. made it famous. You tell me this isn't more entertaining than looking at photos of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in some third-world country.

2. NASCAR is better than golf. The difference between NASCAR's Chase for the Cup and the PGA's FedEx Cup is simple - the NASCAR participants actually care about their playoffs. How is anyone supposed to care about golf's postseason when Tiger Woods skips the first event and Phil Mickelson blows off week three?

3. Tony Stewart is my hero. I admit, I have road rage issues. If someone is chugging along slowly in the fast lane, my impulse is to cut them off and force them off the road and into the nearest tree. So it's easy to see why a hothead like Stewart appeals to me. He's fearless on the road, even getting into it with teammate Denny Hamlin earlier this year because his teammate was in the way of him winning a race. Basically, he's the anti-Jeff Gordon and that's a good thing.

4. NASCAR is better than hockey. Just look at the ratings.

5. Great movies. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby and Days of Thunder. Nuf' said.

6. NASCAR is better than baseball. No one can pay attention to the thousands of minor league teams spread out across the country, and honestly, unless there is a team nearby why should people care? But the NASCAR minor league, called the Busch Series, is filled with "name" drivers like Carl Edwards, Kevin Harvick and Kyle Busch. These guys just love driving, and would race go-carts and golf carts if people would let them.

7. Clint Bowyer's girlfriend. Move over Stacey's mom because there is a new hotness in town. Total props are due to my main man, Noah, who gave me the head's up on a hottie named Athena Barber. I may be an award-winning journalist, but my words won't do her justice. So just click here and judge for yourself. And then remember to thank Noah.

8. NASCAR is better than football. Alright, alright ... I understand that just suggesting another sport is better than football is punishable by death, but hear me out. Last season, something called a Kangaroo TV was available to rent at NFL stadiums. In theory, it's like having the NFL's Sunday Ticket from Direct TV in your lap - you can watch whatever game you'd like while sitting in the nosebleeds of your local stadium.

Well, that's why it's only good in theory - there are several bugs that need to be worked out. For starters, the signal sucks. I've heard from dozens of people who were less-than-pleased with the shoddy reception from their seats and/or tailgate, and I witnessed first hand individuals who couldn't get it to work reliably in the press box of FedEx Field this past weekend. So asking for $300 or so for a concept is probably not going to win over many people. And here's my other issue - if I'm at the stadium, don't I want to watch the game I'm at? The TV feed of that game is so delayed that by the time you see the first down play you're missing second down. What I'm saying is this thing is more trouble than it's worth.

But the Kangaroo TV was seemingly invented for NASCAR. For starters, everyone is watching the same race. And depending on where your seat is it might help to have the TV feed to clearly see what's going on over on the other side of the track. Factor in the in-race audio and video, real-time data and statistics and what's not to love? Everyone enjoys seeing the 10-car pile-up from inside Kenny Wallace's car and it's always enjoyable to hear Jeff Gordon talking strategy with his crew chief on whether to take a pitstop or not at the end of the race. So basically, while the NFL's Kangaroo TV is a disappointment, it was tailor-made for a day at the race.

8b. NASCAR is better than football (part two). NASCAR's Jimmie Johnson isn't a tool who takes himself too seriously - unlike that failed former Miami Dolphins head coach who now collects a paycheck while laughing at Terry Bradshaw's jokes on the pre-game show. Screw that guy and his ridiculous hair.

9. The sponsors. Not since my scarred childhood have I seen Jack Daniels and a UPS vehicle in such close proximity. Thankfully, my Uncle Jim got fired and sent to rehab after the incident, and Clint Bowyer and Dale Jarrett can happily co-exist.

10. Pit lizards. I'll be honest, up until last weekend I didn't even know these gals existed. Now, I feel like the first 30 years of my life were wasted. Every sport has groupies - in hockey, they're referred to as puck bunnies. In football, I call them yard markers. Well, in NASCAR they're pit lizards, and these honorable women are so dedicated that they're willing to sleep with the pit crew in hopes of working their way up to the driver. So forgive me for cutting this short - I'm off to the parking garage at HoboTrashcan Headquarters to learn how to change four tires in 15 seconds.

Brian Murphy is the 2005 Defense Department's sportswriter of the year. And he still doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. Contact him at murf@the5holes.com.