First and 10

It seems like only yesterday the NFL season started, but in truth, after this weekend we'll be a quarter of the way through the regular season. So it seems only appropriate that we take a time out and recap the 10 things we've learned in the first quarter of the 2007 season.

1. There are no guarantees. Before the season it was widely assumed that the New Orleans Saints, the Chicago Bears and the San Diego Chargers were so stacked that they'd be hosting home games deep into the playoffs. Well, let's not crown their ass (thanks Denny Green) just yet. They are a combined 2-7 and one of those wins came because the Chargers played the Bears, so one of them had to win. Chargers quarterback Phillip Rivers looks to have regressed from last year, Bears quarterback Rex Grossman looks to have remembered who he was a year ago and the Saints ... well, where do we begin?

Deuce McAllister is out for the year, Reggie Bush can't stop dancing long enough to actually gain yards and Drew Brees is searching on eBay for his mojo. It's so bad down in the bayou that the media is already churning out the "If the Saints lose then Katrina wins" stories. These are not good times.

2. There are no experts. Each week, ESPN (a.k.a. - the Worldwide Leader in Sports) asks its eight "experts" to simply pick which team will win each game. No point spreads. No handicap (well ...), Just "Team A will beat Team B." I'm going to pull the curtain back a little bit and let you guys in on a little secret - the self-proclaimed "braintrust of Bristol University" doesn't have any more of a clue than you do. Just check out their week two picks - everyone agreed that New Orleans would beat Tampa Bay and Philadelphia would roll over Washington. Further driving home my point, seven out of eight guys confidently selected Carolina over Houston, Cincinnati over Cleveland and Seattle over Arizona. All of those were wrong.

Here's what I'm getting at - out of eight "experts," only Ron Jaworski (32 right) and Mark Schlereth (34) have more correct picks than my mom (30), who can't name all 32 teams. Sean Salisbury (28), Merril Hoge (29), Eric Allen (25), Chris Mortensen (27), Mike Golic (27) and some guy named Seth Wickersham (29) should be demoted to kitchen duty immediately.

3. There are no geniuses. Brian Billick was considered an offensive genius when he was a coordinator for the Minnesota Vikings. Since 1999, Billick's Baltimore teams have had one trademark - a great defense that carries a so-so offense. This year, his Ravens have the 16th best offense by yards and 14th best by points scored, while the defense is currently eighth.

Same division, different coach. Marvin Lewis was viewed as a defensive god during his coordinator days. People were so eager to drink the Marvin Kool-Aid that his players read the book Who Moved My Cheese? because he somehow convinced them it'd help them to do a better job on the football field. Well, since Marvin moved his cheese to Cincinnati in 2003 the Bengals have yet to play any defense. And judging by the 51 points they allowed to the Cleveland Browns and their 29th-place defensive ranking, some things never change.

4. Chris Simms still has no spleen.

5. Character is overrated. Randy Moss is an asshole. Terrell Owens is a diva. But look at their teams - New England and Dallas. Each team remains undefeated and they're the top two offenses - both by yards and points scored - in the entire NFL. So if you're team's playoffs are fading fast, you better hope they pick up the phone and call Ricky Williams or Maurice Clarett's bail bondsman.

6. The league hates fun. With teams openly cheating on NFL sidelines, do we really need the league office to concern itself with Terrell Owens' touchdown celebration or whether spiking the ball should draw a penalty? Seriously, how screwed up are your priorities?

7. Football is missing on Monday nights. I'll start this by saying I love Tony Kornheiser. I read his columns religiously (back when he still wrote), loved his radio show and have always enjoyed PTI. But his shtick doesn't work in the Monday Night Football booth. And because he's buddy-buddy with Ron Jaworski, he sometimes distracts the one guy I actually enjoy hearing from during a Monday night game. Someone get him out of there and while we're at it, stop inviting Charles Barkley, Jamie Foxx and whoever else you can find into the booth. Football fans don't want or need the added nonsense. They're tuning in to watch the game. That's why ESPN's College Gameday is so great - Chris Fowler, Kirk Herbstreit and Lee Corso have perfected the formula. They don't try to "overcook my grits," they simply focus on the game.

8. Norv is still Norv. Yeah, um ... about that new head coach of your's, San Diego ... I hope you kept the receipt. You still may be covered under the warranty if you act now.

9. Irony is ironic. Donovan McNabb is a funny guy. In 2003, when idiot commentator Rush Limbaugh claimed McNabb was overrated and was being coddled by the media because he was a black quarterback, McNabb simply said "I thought we were past that." Four years later, in an interview on Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel, McNabb apparently feels our society has regressed to the point that we're no longer past that, so he told James Brown that African-American quarterbacks face added pressure to succeed in today's NFL. My two cents - Donovan plays in Philly, where the fans like to be heard. They boo early and often. They're also huge frontrunners, so they'll love you when you're winning, but call for your neck when you're not. If you want to play in a city where football doesn't matter, then try St. Louis, Arizona or Jacksonville.

10. Keep the fantasy. I started playing fantasy football in 1996. Back then, admitting you played was roughly akin to admitting you watched professional wrestling or you played Dungeons and Dragons. Now, everyone plays. I mean, at lunch one day last week our waitress was openly talking to her tables trying to decide whether to start Reggie Bush against the Titans or not. I like that fantasy football is here to stay, but at the same time does it have to be so mainstream that everyone's doing it? It's only a matter of time before someone steps in and ruins it for all of us (kind of like Napster or Britney Spears).

Brian Murphy is the 2005 Defense Department's sportswriter of the year. And he still doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. Contact him at murf@the5holes.com.