Master of my domain

You may have noticed a trend in recent weeks here at HoboTrashcan. It seems every straight male columnist on the site (okay, that's everyone except Ned Bitters) has written a column about football. In my younger days, I might have felt the need to mark my territory by throwing a brick through Evan Redmon's windshield or stealing the couch Vick Viggler sleeps on. But not anymore. Instead, I thought about the situation and was inspired for this week's column. After all, I'm clearly the most valuable player here at the Trashcan, so I decided to expand that idea and compile a list of the MVPs each NFL team's season hinges on.

Arizona Cardinals - Brenda Warner. I swear this woman is the antichrist. Every time you think she's out of your life, she uses her voodoo to prematurely end Matt Leinart's season and give her hubby the starting quarterback job again. Get used to it Arizona fans - this story won't end until someone puts a stake through her heart.

Atlanta Falcons - cornerback DeAngelo Hall. This is one of the most fascinating subplots of the 2007 season. You've got one of the most talented players on the Atlanta Falcons openly feuding with his head coach. Because the situation wasn't handled properly after Hall's meltdown against the Carolina Panthers, other Falcons players (like tight end Alge Crumpler) have begun to second guess rookie coach Bobby Petrino now. Something needs to give if this team is going to do much of anything this year.

Baltimore Ravens - safety Ed Reed. Brian Billick is no longer the smartest man in the room and Ray Lewis is no longer the most dominant defensive player in the league - in fact, he's not even the most dominant player on his own defense. That honor goes to Reed, who is the one Ravens player other teams would love to avoid at all costs. Reed must continue to make plays - especially considering Billick's desire to platoon Steve McNair and Kyle Boller at quarterback - if Baltimore is going to compete with the Steelers this season.

Buffalo Bills - punter Brian Moorman. The Buffalo Bills aren't a very good team, as clearly illustrated in their come-from-ahead defeat last week to the Dallas Cowboys at home. But while the Bills refuse to generate any offense and their defense can't make a stand when it matters, their special teams are still better than average - mostly because of their Pro Bowl punter. Plus, he can take a hit.

Carolina Panthers - singer Michael Jackson. Hey David Carr, the former King of Pop called and he wants his white glove back.

Chicago Bears - wide receiver Devin Hester. Last year the Bears were the cream of the crop in the NFC. This year they're average, at best. What's changed? Well, teams have finally figured out that if you kick the ball to Hester he will make you pay.

Cincinnati Bengals - running back Rudi Johnson. While Carson Palmer and the two talented wide receivers get all the publicity, the guy with the girl's name quietly goes about his job. But if you take him out of the lineup, then Bengals are a one-dimensional team. Since they aren't capable of playing defense, they need a running game to go with that lethal passing attack.

Cleveland Browns - quarterback Brady Quinn. "Maybe next year" is a phrase often uttered in Cleveland, so let's focus on the positive - you know, a guy who very well might be the future of the franchise.

Dallas Cowboys - tight end Jason Witten. The quarterback, the diva wide receiver and the owner may all get more attention, but Witten is one of the most underappreciated players in the entire league. Go back and watch the Cowboys-Bills game. While T.O. was busy dropping passes and Romo was throwing interceptions by the dozen, Witten was quietly bailing out the Cowboys.

Denver Broncos - head coach Mike Shanahan. You don't even have to follow the football franchise in Denver this year to feel the impact of Shanahan. Just tune into the final few seconds of a close football game and watch a team kick the winning field goal, only the opposing team's coach calls a timeout at the last possible second and they have to attempt the field goal kick again. Yeah, thanks Shanahan. You dickhead.

Detroit Lions - lord and savior Jesus Christ. A story last week claimed at least 30 members of the Lions have found Christ since Jon Kitna came to Detroit. Here I just thought it was because they were praying Matt Millen would be fired.

Green Bay Packers - quarterback Brett Favre. They are the youngest team in the NFL, but they still live and die by the old man behind center.

Houston Texans - defensive tackle Amobi Okoye. Sure, people will forever question the Texans' decision to draft defensive end Mario Williams over Vince Young and Reggie Bush, but the best player on a young and talented defense very well may end up being Okoye. Simply put - the youngest player selected in the 2007 NFL draft is the real deal.

Indianapolis Colts - quarterback Peyton Manning. Now if we could just get him some exposure, you know ... commercials or something.

Jacksonville Jaguars - running back Maurice Jones-Drew. You know your offense is limited when David Garrard is running the show, but the man with the hyphen is what Fred Taylor used to be - a homerun threat any time he touches the ball.

Kansas City Chiefs - Hard Knocks producer. Thank you for showing us during training camp that this team was going to suck.

Miami Dolphins - running back Ricky Williams. If you were associated with the worst team in the NFL you'd wanna smoke something to take the edge off too.

Minnesota Vikings - running back Adrian Peterson. If he can stay healthy he gives the Minnesota offense a reason to take the field.

New England Patriots - wide receiver Randy Moss. Sure, the head coach and quarterback in New England are proven winners, but a motivated Randy Moss is the one guy who takes the entire team to another level. He's the reason the Patriots have a chance to go undefeated this year (if they can get past Dallas this weekend).

New Orleans Saints - no one.

New York Giants - wide receiver Plaxico Burress. Eli Manning is average, but Burress is playing at such a high level that no one notices the struggles of Peyton's little brother.

New York Jets - head coach Eric Mangini. Maybe that cameo on The Sopranos wasn't such a great idea. Maybe the "man genius" should have spent that time addressing the half dozen problems that plague the J-E-T-S, JETS, JETS JETS! instead of hanging with Tony. And while we're on the subject, isn't it amazing that cameo actually happened? I mean, in any other setting Mangini would have ran to the commish and tattled that someone had a camera pointed on him.

Oakland Raiders - owner Al Davis. That senile old man gets credit, if for no other reason than for bringing in 32-year-old head coach Lane Kiffin, who has the Raiders playing some decent football these days. It's amazing what happens when you bring in people who specialize at running a football program (as opposed to a bed and breakfast).

Philadelphia Eagles - Andy Reid's sons. You'd think he'd be able to focus on football since they're both behind bars (meaning he knows where they are at night).

Pittsburgh Steelers - quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Ever since he started wearing a helmet he's become much smarter (on and off the field).

San Diego Chargers - head coach Norv Turner. It was nice of Turner's Chargers to show a flash of the immensely talented 2006 San Diego squad last week in Denver. That one game will give everyone a little more false hope that the stacked lineup will be able to overcome the incompetent head coach.

San Francisco 49ers - running back Frank Gore. Who the hell else was I going to pick? Trent Dilfer?

Seattle Seahawks - fullback Mack Strong. Lets see how Shaun Alexander does without the Pro Bowler leading the way.

St. Louis Rams - first baseman Albert Pujols. At least St. Louis has that going for it.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers - quarterback Jeff Garcia. With his running backs dropping like flies, Garcia continues to bring out the best in the Tampa Bay offense. That's because the man has toughness and heart. And a spleen.

Tennessee Titans - professional wrestler Adam "Pacman" Jones. If only because I'm looking ahead to when the Madden cover jinx cripples quarterback Vince Young and Pacman uses a chairshot to knock out commissioner Roger Goodell.

Washington Redskins - quarterback Jason Campbell. The local newspapers used the headline "M'm! M'm! Good!" after Campbell's performance last week against the Detroit Lions. I wish I was kidding. I think it's safe to assume that the Redskins will live and die by their young signal caller - cheesy soup references or not.

Brian Murphy is the 2005 Defense Department's sportswriter of the year. And he still doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. Contact him at murf@the5holes.com.